67 years ago today Henry John Blann and Eva Isabel Robbins were united in marriage. That began an adventure together that would take them to Africa and back three times, the birth of four children and subsequently 17 grandchildren and 23 great grandchildren. They lived in Indiana where their four children grew to adulthood and then lived in Pennsylvania, New York, Pennsylvania again and Maryland. Eight years ago, in August of 2001, they moved to Florida to be near me, their daughter, who had offered many times for them to make this change so that I would be able to care for them as they aged into role changing. That is, when the parent becomes the child and the child becomes the parent.
Theirs was a wonderful marriage of giving to one another, protecting and honoring each other. My mother prayed for years that God would take Dad home first. She felt that he so depended on her that if she were to go first that he wouldn’t be able to make it without her. God answered her prayer and took Dad home to heaven 4 months ago. She had no idea of the grief and loneliness that she would face as a result of that answered prayer. I have realized more than ever in these past four months how much my Dad actually protected and cared for her. His encouragement and support at times when her perfectionist nature would threaten to consume her were what she needed to balance things in her mind. As his dementia increased, that became more my role in her life.
She has just recently begun to talk about him and repeat memories that she has. These are usually triggered by sights she recognizes as we ride in the car. She will begin to cry and then apologize. This is the point when I remind her that it is normal and healthy to cry. Her dementia has increased greatly since Dad’s passing and I am sure that this is partially as a result of grief. How could one not greatly grieve the loss of someone that you have spent your whole life with – the other side of yourself?
Dementia has robbed me (and all those who have loved my parents) of the bright, wise and sharp-witted minds of these two special people. I am thankful beyond measure for the years that I did have with them and the benefits that I have reaped because of that blessing on my life. While my mother is more like a little girl at most times, her sweetness and her loving and caring nature continues to show through in many ways. Those who care for her daily have obviously come to love her. Many have made comments to me regarding her sweet nature. She continues to minister to others through her Christ-likeness. I asked her the other day about something that a nurse told me she had done (a kind gesture for another resident) she didn’t remember at all about doing it. I guess that it just comes naturally at this point! ☺ Oh, to be so naturally kind and compassionate that when I no longer have a clear mind that I would respond in kindness without thinking as Mom does.
I am blessed, as are my siblings, to have been loved, nurtured, disciplined, encouraged, rebuked, loved and encouraged (duplication not by accident) by these two imperfect people who strove for Godly perfection throughout their lives.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
METAMORPHOSIS
Metamorphosis – a change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one, by natural or supernatural means.
This is a story that has been bubbling in my mind and heart for over three months now. It has been four months since my beloved “Daddy” had a “change of form”, so to speak. A couple of days after he passed away, my sister, her husband and I were standing in my kitchen. Rosie glanced out the glass door of the kitchen and saw a large, beautiful butterfly on the screen of the porch and pointed it out to me. I glanced at it and under my breath, without thinking, whispered, “hi Daddy”. I told no one of my reaction for a few days fearing they might think that I had flipped my lid or was seriously screwed up in my theology.
A few days later I shared this experience with my sister who probably tried very hard not to raise her eyebrows at me. It puzzled me as to why I reacted this way and I wondered as to what possible meaning it could have…this spontaneous reaction of talking to the butterfly and addressing it as “Daddy”.
One thing that helped me feel a little less spooked by my reaction was one of the grief booklets that I read. The following paragraph spoke to me and helped me understand that my reaction was quite normal.
“Many who grieve report unexplainable experiences that suggest a feeling of connectedness with a loved one who has died. Some understand these to be normal perceptions that occur for a time following a death, while others believe them to be magical or spiritual occurrences.”
When I read that, I felt a little better about what had happened and realized that this was not an unusual occurrence and I wasn’t losing my mind but still I wondered about the significance of it or if there was even any significance. A few weeks later I was driving with my daughter and at a stoplight I noticed that the car in front of us had a butterfly on the license plate. As we drew closer I discovered that it was a Florida specialty plate for Hospice. I was stunned. I had no idea at this point that the butterfly is used as a symbol by many hospice societies world-wide. I have no idea if the hospice facility where Dad was at the end uses the butterfly or not. It was not something that I noticed at the time we were there.
The loss of my father after years of caring for him and for my mother has had a profound impact on me. I have struggled at times with guilt…well, lots of times. I have second guessed myself and the decisions we made and continue to make on behalf of Mom. The roles are definitely reversed…I have become my mother’s Mom. She has even introduced me at times as her mother. The last time she realized her mistake and corrected herself. Getting off track here – back to the butterflies!
The whole butterfly thing intrigued me. At every turn I kept seeing butterflies. I even ordered a new pair of shoes on line and they came with a butterfly picture. What was I supposed to be learning from all of this? I started spending hours researching.
Like the butterfly, hospice is a symbol of transformation. They help people make the most important transformation in life, and help them find hope even in the process of dying. That was definitely true for our family. Hospice helped us in the education of what was happening and what to expect to helping make Dad’s last days as comfortable as possible.
Butterflies have been a part of many legends. They are symbolic and carry significant meaning in many cultures. In many Native American Tribes butterflies are a symbol of rebirth, regeneration, happiness, and joy.
Butterflies have a multi-stage life cycle; beginning with a larvae stage and ending with the spectacular metamorphose into a colorful winged adult form. Some people think of this cycle as similar to the human life cycle. The concept is that we are born into this world and leave this world, metamorphosing into a new and beautiful spiritual world, free of pain and suffering. I have the assurance that my Dad, whose heart belonged fully to his Savior and Lord, Jesus, did, in fact, metamorphose in to a new life and a new body.
Another grief booklet reads, “Search your own memory for an image or object that was special to your loved one, or that helps you bring your loved one to mind……find a way to hold onto that special “icon,” and let it bring you comfort and joy.” For me, it is the butterfly. As I look back to the day that I saw the butterfly on the screen, my conclusion is that God knew how much I had just gone through and what I was facing in the days ahead. It was such a sweet reminder that Dad is safely with Jesus and that my Heavenly Father is watching over me, guiding me and loving me as I continue on in my responsibilities of caring for my Dad's beloved wife that he struggled with leaving behind.
Psalm 30:11,12
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, that my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever. (NASV)
Praise God, my Dad’s mourning in the loss of his mind and body has now turned into dancing. He is in the presence of Jesus and he is singing and dancing in his new body and with his new mind.
In all my researching on this subject, I discovered that a very common practice with Hospice facilities is to have a butterfly release as fund-raisers and as memorials for loved ones who have passed on. We are having a family memorial for Dad over the Thanksgiving holiday. There will be almost 50 immediate family members present to celebrate Dad’s life. I’d love to do a butterfly release at that time. I think that it would be a beautiful and fun experience.
This is a story that has been bubbling in my mind and heart for over three months now. It has been four months since my beloved “Daddy” had a “change of form”, so to speak. A couple of days after he passed away, my sister, her husband and I were standing in my kitchen. Rosie glanced out the glass door of the kitchen and saw a large, beautiful butterfly on the screen of the porch and pointed it out to me. I glanced at it and under my breath, without thinking, whispered, “hi Daddy”. I told no one of my reaction for a few days fearing they might think that I had flipped my lid or was seriously screwed up in my theology.
A few days later I shared this experience with my sister who probably tried very hard not to raise her eyebrows at me. It puzzled me as to why I reacted this way and I wondered as to what possible meaning it could have…this spontaneous reaction of talking to the butterfly and addressing it as “Daddy”.
One thing that helped me feel a little less spooked by my reaction was one of the grief booklets that I read. The following paragraph spoke to me and helped me understand that my reaction was quite normal.
“Many who grieve report unexplainable experiences that suggest a feeling of connectedness with a loved one who has died. Some understand these to be normal perceptions that occur for a time following a death, while others believe them to be magical or spiritual occurrences.”
When I read that, I felt a little better about what had happened and realized that this was not an unusual occurrence and I wasn’t losing my mind but still I wondered about the significance of it or if there was even any significance. A few weeks later I was driving with my daughter and at a stoplight I noticed that the car in front of us had a butterfly on the license plate. As we drew closer I discovered that it was a Florida specialty plate for Hospice. I was stunned. I had no idea at this point that the butterfly is used as a symbol by many hospice societies world-wide. I have no idea if the hospice facility where Dad was at the end uses the butterfly or not. It was not something that I noticed at the time we were there.
The loss of my father after years of caring for him and for my mother has had a profound impact on me. I have struggled at times with guilt…well, lots of times. I have second guessed myself and the decisions we made and continue to make on behalf of Mom. The roles are definitely reversed…I have become my mother’s Mom. She has even introduced me at times as her mother. The last time she realized her mistake and corrected herself. Getting off track here – back to the butterflies!
The whole butterfly thing intrigued me. At every turn I kept seeing butterflies. I even ordered a new pair of shoes on line and they came with a butterfly picture. What was I supposed to be learning from all of this? I started spending hours researching.
Like the butterfly, hospice is a symbol of transformation. They help people make the most important transformation in life, and help them find hope even in the process of dying. That was definitely true for our family. Hospice helped us in the education of what was happening and what to expect to helping make Dad’s last days as comfortable as possible.
Butterflies have been a part of many legends. They are symbolic and carry significant meaning in many cultures. In many Native American Tribes butterflies are a symbol of rebirth, regeneration, happiness, and joy.
Butterflies have a multi-stage life cycle; beginning with a larvae stage and ending with the spectacular metamorphose into a colorful winged adult form. Some people think of this cycle as similar to the human life cycle. The concept is that we are born into this world and leave this world, metamorphosing into a new and beautiful spiritual world, free of pain and suffering. I have the assurance that my Dad, whose heart belonged fully to his Savior and Lord, Jesus, did, in fact, metamorphose in to a new life and a new body.
Another grief booklet reads, “Search your own memory for an image or object that was special to your loved one, or that helps you bring your loved one to mind……find a way to hold onto that special “icon,” and let it bring you comfort and joy.” For me, it is the butterfly. As I look back to the day that I saw the butterfly on the screen, my conclusion is that God knew how much I had just gone through and what I was facing in the days ahead. It was such a sweet reminder that Dad is safely with Jesus and that my Heavenly Father is watching over me, guiding me and loving me as I continue on in my responsibilities of caring for my Dad's beloved wife that he struggled with leaving behind.
Psalm 30:11,12
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, that my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever. (NASV)
Praise God, my Dad’s mourning in the loss of his mind and body has now turned into dancing. He is in the presence of Jesus and he is singing and dancing in his new body and with his new mind.
In all my researching on this subject, I discovered that a very common practice with Hospice facilities is to have a butterfly release as fund-raisers and as memorials for loved ones who have passed on. We are having a family memorial for Dad over the Thanksgiving holiday. There will be almost 50 immediate family members present to celebrate Dad’s life. I’d love to do a butterfly release at that time. I think that it would be a beautiful and fun experience.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Woah!! God's reminder!
I have searched back through the blog and cannot find anywhere that I have shared the scripture song that I listened to over and over as a source of strength in the days before moving Mom and Dad to the nursing home. I was reminded of this and I was shutting my computer down and getting ready to go to bed. I am listening to it again as I write. I simply cannot go to sleep until I share this great gift to my mind from God. I asked, He answered. The song is by John Michael Talbot and is entitled Psalm 62.
Only in God is my soul at rest, in Him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock, my strength and my salvation.
My stronghold, my Saviour,
I shall not be afraid at all.
My stronghold, my saviour, I shall not be moved!
Only in God is found safety, when the enemy pursues me.
Only in God is found glory, I am found meek and found lowly.
My stronghold my saviour, I shall not be afraid at all,
My stronghold, my saviour, I shall not be moved.
Only in God is my soul at rest in him comes my salvation.
I will rest in Him.
Only in God is my soul at rest, in Him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock, my strength and my salvation.
My stronghold, my Saviour,
I shall not be afraid at all.
My stronghold, my saviour, I shall not be moved!
Only in God is found safety, when the enemy pursues me.
Only in God is found glory, I am found meek and found lowly.
My stronghold my saviour, I shall not be afraid at all,
My stronghold, my saviour, I shall not be moved.
Only in God is my soul at rest in him comes my salvation.
I will rest in Him.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The mental battle...again
I don’t know what to do. Lord, you say that if we don’t have wisdom that we should just ask. I’m asking. Please! I don’t know where to go next with Mom. My heart aches. She is so confused. (I am writing this while sitting in the AM church service.) Pastor David talked about an insane person during the message. (My mind has gone away from the message and into my own struggle). Dealing with someone so confused who thinks that they are not or, rather, you want to believe that they are not - - it messes with one’s own head. (Wow, after reading this back, I can sure tell my head is messed up!) ☺
One of the songs we sang this morning in church, “You alone are God, you alone are sovereign…through the storms of life, I will trust your promise. Everything thing works together for our good.” That’s not just my good but Mom’s too. Lord, please show me – use me as you need to for Mom’s good. I am just not sure what that is. The scripture of the day was meant for a different sermon than the one I heard in my head as I wrote and thought. (Romans 8:19-28) Amazing how that works.
It is truly agony to watch your parent slowly lose their mind to dementia. Then there is the internal battle against listening to the lie that it is somehow caused by something I’ve done or a decision I’ve made on her behalf.
Being taught all your life that others are first – the old saying of “God, others and you” -- where does taking care of me, protecting my own mind, my own sanity come in?? How does this happen? How is it biblical? Not how does it look for anyone else but for me? Uniquely me? (Dad loved that word, used it a lot – unique.) I struggle with her being in the nursing home. Especially when she tells me that she misses me and wishes she could be with me all the time. When she tells me that she knows I have other business to do besides visiting my mother.
I’m back to where I started at the beginning of this. I need wisdom, clear direction. What’s happening to my Mother’s mind? Is this just where she is going and has been going for some time? Is it made worse by her intense grief at Dad’s passing? Is she even aware of the grief? A couple of weeks ago she was talking to her brother on the phone for the first time in several weeks. She just kept talking about their Dad and all the things about him and their old home. Nothing about her husband and missing him.
Last weekend I had Mom here at home for several hours on Sat. & Sun. By the time that we were headed back to the facility, I was mentally exhausted. As we were driving back and I was thinking about where I was emotionally and wondering why, I was reminded of a story I had read about Corrie Ten Boom. It’s a story that I have used over and over before. She talks about grace being like the train ticket that her father held for her when she was a child. He kept it for her until it was time to hand it to the conductor. God gives us the grace to face the things He allows to happen in our lives when we need it. I felt like my grace ticket for full-time caregiving had expired. This may not be such great theology but it was as if God was saying to me that the reason it had expired was because it was no longer my job.
Come to think of it, maybe Pastor David’s message was on target for me. He talked about how the enemy lies to us to keep us in the past with our failures and sins. Maybe my struggle is because the enemy keeps trying to trick my mind into forgetting the way that God has worked out the situation already. God has already removed the load and I keep trying to take it back up because I feel guilty. (Guilt- A feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.) Interesting. I surely don’t want to be a failure in my obligation to care for my mother. Someone once said, “don’t doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light.” Now if I could just have the confidence that I HAVE been shown and to walk in it and trust the Sovereign God to care for and protect my mother.
Several months ago I prayed for compassion without guilt. I think that it’s time to go there again. Lord, grant me compassion without guilt.
One of the songs we sang this morning in church, “You alone are God, you alone are sovereign…through the storms of life, I will trust your promise. Everything thing works together for our good.” That’s not just my good but Mom’s too. Lord, please show me – use me as you need to for Mom’s good. I am just not sure what that is. The scripture of the day was meant for a different sermon than the one I heard in my head as I wrote and thought. (Romans 8:19-28) Amazing how that works.
It is truly agony to watch your parent slowly lose their mind to dementia. Then there is the internal battle against listening to the lie that it is somehow caused by something I’ve done or a decision I’ve made on her behalf.
Being taught all your life that others are first – the old saying of “God, others and you” -- where does taking care of me, protecting my own mind, my own sanity come in?? How does this happen? How is it biblical? Not how does it look for anyone else but for me? Uniquely me? (Dad loved that word, used it a lot – unique.) I struggle with her being in the nursing home. Especially when she tells me that she misses me and wishes she could be with me all the time. When she tells me that she knows I have other business to do besides visiting my mother.
I’m back to where I started at the beginning of this. I need wisdom, clear direction. What’s happening to my Mother’s mind? Is this just where she is going and has been going for some time? Is it made worse by her intense grief at Dad’s passing? Is she even aware of the grief? A couple of weeks ago she was talking to her brother on the phone for the first time in several weeks. She just kept talking about their Dad and all the things about him and their old home. Nothing about her husband and missing him.
Last weekend I had Mom here at home for several hours on Sat. & Sun. By the time that we were headed back to the facility, I was mentally exhausted. As we were driving back and I was thinking about where I was emotionally and wondering why, I was reminded of a story I had read about Corrie Ten Boom. It’s a story that I have used over and over before. She talks about grace being like the train ticket that her father held for her when she was a child. He kept it for her until it was time to hand it to the conductor. God gives us the grace to face the things He allows to happen in our lives when we need it. I felt like my grace ticket for full-time caregiving had expired. This may not be such great theology but it was as if God was saying to me that the reason it had expired was because it was no longer my job.
Come to think of it, maybe Pastor David’s message was on target for me. He talked about how the enemy lies to us to keep us in the past with our failures and sins. Maybe my struggle is because the enemy keeps trying to trick my mind into forgetting the way that God has worked out the situation already. God has already removed the load and I keep trying to take it back up because I feel guilty. (Guilt- A feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.) Interesting. I surely don’t want to be a failure in my obligation to care for my mother. Someone once said, “don’t doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light.” Now if I could just have the confidence that I HAVE been shown and to walk in it and trust the Sovereign God to care for and protect my mother.
Several months ago I prayed for compassion without guilt. I think that it’s time to go there again. Lord, grant me compassion without guilt.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
The message is the same 39 years later
The words of my Dad, President of Frankfort Wesleyan Bible College, in the front of the 1970 yearbook:
THE DAWNING OF A DECADE
The sun is rapidly rising in the eastern sky of the 70's. What do the days ahead hold in store? God only knows.
We do know that problems lie ahead, even as they were present in the 60's. The hearts of many people quake at the thought of nuclear war, over-population, inflation, pollution, and the other very real problems.
Christians are concerned about those problems also, but there is a difference. People in need are not just a problem. They are people in need to be reached for Christ.
The new decade offers another opportunity to serve Jesus Christ. Let us be up and about the Master’s business.
H. John Blann
THE DAWNING OF A DECADE
The sun is rapidly rising in the eastern sky of the 70's. What do the days ahead hold in store? God only knows.
We do know that problems lie ahead, even as they were present in the 60's. The hearts of many people quake at the thought of nuclear war, over-population, inflation, pollution, and the other very real problems.
Christians are concerned about those problems also, but there is a difference. People in need are not just a problem. They are people in need to be reached for Christ.
The new decade offers another opportunity to serve Jesus Christ. Let us be up and about the Master’s business.
H. John Blann
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Nursing home admission day
This is the first journal entry of life in a nursing home and it was written before I started this blog. In the interest of keeping all of these records in one place, I am posting it now.
*****
June 18, 2009
This is my progress report concerning Mom and Dad’s admission to the nursing home on Tuesday. Tonight is the third night that they are spending in their new room at Doctors Lake Healthcare.
On Tuesday morning we were working to finish gathering all the things that we still needed to take over to the nursing home. I was trying to get Mom and Dad ready to go. We had planned to meet Shelly, the admissions director at 11:00am. So much for the best laid plans. It took longer than normal to get Dad finished with breakfast and into the bathroom to do his morning routine. When we were finally ready to leave, Dad would not get up from the chair. (Things were definitely a bit confusing as he had to sit in Mom’s chair because we had taken his to the nursing home the night before.) When we said it was time to go, he said that he needed to ask a question. “Why do we have to go somewhere else?” I tried to explain…again…that it was because I needed a chance to rest as my body was getting very tired. He looked at Rosie at some point and said, “she can do it.”
We got them into the car and Mom asked if this was it…were they coming back…and I said yes, for visits. She got teary eyed as she had been off and on for the past few days. Dad was very difficult to get in the car. Sam and Jim had gone on ahead to work on some things in their room so Rosie and I took Mom and Dad over. When we got to the home Dad would not get out of the car. I could tell that he was very upset. He then said…”you have been very unfair to us. You have made this decision without us!” I reminded him that I had talked to them about it and told them what was happening and why but he just didn’t remember. He finally did get out and walked to his new room with us using his walker. By the time we got to their room he was having trouble walking because his legs were so tired. Shelly was walking with us and told me later that she was concerned that he was a fall risk. They had their lunch in the room and then we met several different people and the nurse came in to do Dad’s intake information.
First of all, let me go back a little. Shortly after we arrived I met the nurse in charge of their room. She was very, very nice and her name was Gloria. I was told that the night nurse would be Grace. Later, when we met her, we found her to be such a sweet and pleasant person!! It occurred to me when I was told the nurse’s names that it was kind of cool that they were Grace and Gloria. As we were driving home that night and contemplating the day’s events, that particular fact really moved us. Jim noted later that there is an old song, “Where He Leads Me, I Will Follow”. One verse says, “He will give me grace and glory, He will give me grace and glory, and go with me all the way. What a comforting reminder.
Now, back to Dad’s intake information….we sat there as Gloria asked Dad the necessary questions. She asked him if he knew what day it was and after a few moments of blankness he stated that it was one day later than yesterday. He was asked how old he was and he said “200”. When asked what month it was he was totally blank so she hinted and said that it is the month of Father’s Day. He asked if we had passed March yet and when I said yes he told the nurse that it is a couple months past March. He didn’t get the month of his birthday correct but did get the day. When asked who the president is he answered, “John Blann”. (Pretty sure that was a cover up for his embarrassment of not knowing the answer). We told her that he HAD been a president….of a Bible College. During the process of doing the intake the nurse became teary. She tried to cover it up but finally told me that he reminded her of her Daddy. She kept telling me that they would be alright. Later, she came back to the room to see how I was doing and she told me the story of her father. She is from the Philippines and is the oldest of the children in her family. She has been in the states for 39 years and when her father became ill with dementia, her brothers cared for him. She wasn’t able to be there but would get updates and reports by phone. He has been gone for 10 years but she still grieves for him and the fact that she wasn’t with him to care for him. I told her that she could love my Daddy for me. What a gift to have that kind of compassion to care for my Dad the first day of his arrival at this new place.
The day progressed with lots of activity. The PT came in and walked with both of them to see where they were in their abilities. We all left about 4:30 and told them we would see them after supper. We went back with other stuff they needed and did more tweaking to the room. It is very cute and comfortable. Mom has been very confused, thinking that she needs to care for Dad. We have to keep reminding her that she is there to keep him company but that others must care for him. The staff said that she keeps trying to get him up and make him move and that concerns them. Today, I think that I may have gotten through to Mom that she must not try to get him up at any time.
On Wednesday, Rosie and Jim stopped in to visit Mom and Dad on their way out of town to St. Augustine for the day. (By the way, what an absolute gift from God that Rosie and Jim were able to work the timing to be here just when they were needed for this transition!!) They found Mom and Dad in the Activity Room listening to a man play the piano for the residents. They were sitting side by side, holding hands and Dad was beating time with his free hand. Mom kept talking about the song that she asked the pianist if he knew and that he played it for her! In the afternoon, I met with Shelly in Admissions and signed all the paperwork. My hand ached by the time we finished! I then met the business office ladies, the social worker and the Administrator. I had a nice time visiting with Mom and Dad after that.
Thursday, we got there as they were finishing lunch. Dad was taking longer than he should and that is because of his distraction in people watching. The nurse and Mom were suggesting that he eat in their room instead so that he could concentrate on eating but they really don’t want Mom to miss out on the social interaction. We (Rosie, Jim & I) took Mom and Dad back to their room. Mom uses the walker to walk around the facility and they have Dad in a wheel chair that he can maneuver with his feet or be pushed. He walked himself (with direction) all the way back to their room. He hadn’t been shaved that day, he had spilled food on his pants and Mom seemed down and very tired. I was feeling sick inside and wishing that I could just take them back home and yet I knew that I couldn’t. We got them into their recliners and suggest that they take a nap and I would come back later. I went back later in the afternoon. I was still feeling awful about them being in this situation and for the first time since the process began earlier in the week, I broke down. During this time I received a phone call from our worship pastor at church who had experienced something quite similar with his father a couple of years ago. Just being with someone who knew what I was feeling even though there was nothing that he could do to change things, he just understood and listened to me cry out the feelings in my heart, was a release. (I am so incredibly thankful for God’s impeccable timing in this whole process.) When I got to the nursing home, my heaviness had lifted and I was able to go in with a lighter heart. When I got in there, they had napped and were feeling lighter hearted as well….at least Mom was. Dad is, more or less, just there. There may be things going on that he cannot articulate but this transition has really affected his dementia for now. He loves to listen to me talk to Mom and take everything in, but he communicates very little. Mom was telling me that she had gotten to play with clay in physical therapy that day. She said, “It was fun!” They had worked their legs in therapy the day before and on this day they had worked their hands. They had balls of clay with objects hidden in them that they needed to work out with their fingers. (They have been having therapy every day since the first full day they were admitted.)
The next thing that lifted my spirits was when the CNA came in to get them for supper. She brought in a contraption called a Stand Lift to get Dad out of his recliner into his wheel chair for supper. As I watched her do that I commented to Mom that they had equipment there that I didn’t have at home to do what needed to be done to care for Dad and I realized the truth in that….I couldn’t take him home and this is where he needs to be to get the care that is necessary. His pants had been bunched up in his crotch and I had tried to pull them down for him while sitting in the chair. When the CNA came to get him into the wheelchair with the lift, she pulled his pants straight for him when she stood him up before seating him again and after she seated him, she finger combed his hair in the back that was messed up from sitting in the chair. That gesture touched me so much that I commented on that in the meeting that we had the next day with all the department heads. I left there with such a sense of relief and peace. We all (Sam & I, Rosie & Jim) went to Sherri and Mark’s that evening for supper. That was the first time that we had been able to have a meal in their home since they moved in. What a fun time, except that I was very sleepy. It sees that the emotional strain had taken it’s toll and I was kind of crashing.
We had a meeting on the fourth day (Friday) to meet the department heads and plan for Mom and Dad and to share how we think they are doing. Rosie and Sherri attended with me. Again, I must say how very kind and helpful everyone is. (Mom keeps telling me, also, how kind everyone is to them). By the time we finished our meeting Mom and Dad were in therapy. The three of us hung out with them while finishing their therapy. Sherri and Mark left later in the afternoon for Chicago and then next week, (Wednesday) they will attend the court for the adoption proceedings for Marcia and Isaiah and then head home with the kids, Lord willing. (Again….the timing of this whole process is amazing). We all left to go get lunch and so Sherri could finish doing what she needed to do for the trip. Later that afternoon, we went back for a visit…three grandchildren and four of us “adults”. Dad loved to watching the kids…didn’t say much…but they both seemed to love the company. But Mom made a comment that was quite amazing. She told me about the lady across the hall from her. She is from England. She said that she had gone to visit with her and that she didn’t have people visiting her. She then told me that she could be a blessing here because of helping people who were lonely and by being kind to the staff. That was the coolest thing to see how she was beginning to acclimate and try to bloom where she’s been planted. They are learning the ropes and seeming to adjust really, really well!
Rosie and Jim looked at a house today (Saturday) while Sam and I took Briana to the airport. That was fun for me…to get to go through security with Briana and accompany her to the gate. Sam waited for me in the “courtyard”. We met Rosie and Jim at the nursing home with the kids to see Mom and Dad in the afternoon. Mom told us that Sherri had been there that morning while they were in therapy. I didn’t correct her and tell her that it happened that way the day before. So that could be a good brain thing….if you miss a day she might think that you WERE here that day while thinking of the day before. Sometimes dementia can be an asset!
Tomorrow is Father’s Day. Rosie and Jim are going to postpone their departure until after lunch. We will be eating Sonny’s together at the nursing home in the conference room/private dining room with Mom and Dad to celebrate the day. Mom keeps asking me about going to church with us. I’m just not sure how that is all going to work out. They have S.S. in the morning and then a church service in the afternoon at the nursing home. I suggested they wait and see how the routine goes.
Well, I am falling asleep again and I think that I have jabbered long enough. God is good, his timing is incredible and his strength is amazing. I am thankful for the answered prayer of “compassion without guilt”!
*****
June 18, 2009
This is my progress report concerning Mom and Dad’s admission to the nursing home on Tuesday. Tonight is the third night that they are spending in their new room at Doctors Lake Healthcare.
On Tuesday morning we were working to finish gathering all the things that we still needed to take over to the nursing home. I was trying to get Mom and Dad ready to go. We had planned to meet Shelly, the admissions director at 11:00am. So much for the best laid plans. It took longer than normal to get Dad finished with breakfast and into the bathroom to do his morning routine. When we were finally ready to leave, Dad would not get up from the chair. (Things were definitely a bit confusing as he had to sit in Mom’s chair because we had taken his to the nursing home the night before.) When we said it was time to go, he said that he needed to ask a question. “Why do we have to go somewhere else?” I tried to explain…again…that it was because I needed a chance to rest as my body was getting very tired. He looked at Rosie at some point and said, “she can do it.”
We got them into the car and Mom asked if this was it…were they coming back…and I said yes, for visits. She got teary eyed as she had been off and on for the past few days. Dad was very difficult to get in the car. Sam and Jim had gone on ahead to work on some things in their room so Rosie and I took Mom and Dad over. When we got to the home Dad would not get out of the car. I could tell that he was very upset. He then said…”you have been very unfair to us. You have made this decision without us!” I reminded him that I had talked to them about it and told them what was happening and why but he just didn’t remember. He finally did get out and walked to his new room with us using his walker. By the time we got to their room he was having trouble walking because his legs were so tired. Shelly was walking with us and told me later that she was concerned that he was a fall risk. They had their lunch in the room and then we met several different people and the nurse came in to do Dad’s intake information.
First of all, let me go back a little. Shortly after we arrived I met the nurse in charge of their room. She was very, very nice and her name was Gloria. I was told that the night nurse would be Grace. Later, when we met her, we found her to be such a sweet and pleasant person!! It occurred to me when I was told the nurse’s names that it was kind of cool that they were Grace and Gloria. As we were driving home that night and contemplating the day’s events, that particular fact really moved us. Jim noted later that there is an old song, “Where He Leads Me, I Will Follow”. One verse says, “He will give me grace and glory, He will give me grace and glory, and go with me all the way. What a comforting reminder.
Now, back to Dad’s intake information….we sat there as Gloria asked Dad the necessary questions. She asked him if he knew what day it was and after a few moments of blankness he stated that it was one day later than yesterday. He was asked how old he was and he said “200”. When asked what month it was he was totally blank so she hinted and said that it is the month of Father’s Day. He asked if we had passed March yet and when I said yes he told the nurse that it is a couple months past March. He didn’t get the month of his birthday correct but did get the day. When asked who the president is he answered, “John Blann”. (Pretty sure that was a cover up for his embarrassment of not knowing the answer). We told her that he HAD been a president….of a Bible College. During the process of doing the intake the nurse became teary. She tried to cover it up but finally told me that he reminded her of her Daddy. She kept telling me that they would be alright. Later, she came back to the room to see how I was doing and she told me the story of her father. She is from the Philippines and is the oldest of the children in her family. She has been in the states for 39 years and when her father became ill with dementia, her brothers cared for him. She wasn’t able to be there but would get updates and reports by phone. He has been gone for 10 years but she still grieves for him and the fact that she wasn’t with him to care for him. I told her that she could love my Daddy for me. What a gift to have that kind of compassion to care for my Dad the first day of his arrival at this new place.
The day progressed with lots of activity. The PT came in and walked with both of them to see where they were in their abilities. We all left about 4:30 and told them we would see them after supper. We went back with other stuff they needed and did more tweaking to the room. It is very cute and comfortable. Mom has been very confused, thinking that she needs to care for Dad. We have to keep reminding her that she is there to keep him company but that others must care for him. The staff said that she keeps trying to get him up and make him move and that concerns them. Today, I think that I may have gotten through to Mom that she must not try to get him up at any time.
On Wednesday, Rosie and Jim stopped in to visit Mom and Dad on their way out of town to St. Augustine for the day. (By the way, what an absolute gift from God that Rosie and Jim were able to work the timing to be here just when they were needed for this transition!!) They found Mom and Dad in the Activity Room listening to a man play the piano for the residents. They were sitting side by side, holding hands and Dad was beating time with his free hand. Mom kept talking about the song that she asked the pianist if he knew and that he played it for her! In the afternoon, I met with Shelly in Admissions and signed all the paperwork. My hand ached by the time we finished! I then met the business office ladies, the social worker and the Administrator. I had a nice time visiting with Mom and Dad after that.
Thursday, we got there as they were finishing lunch. Dad was taking longer than he should and that is because of his distraction in people watching. The nurse and Mom were suggesting that he eat in their room instead so that he could concentrate on eating but they really don’t want Mom to miss out on the social interaction. We (Rosie, Jim & I) took Mom and Dad back to their room. Mom uses the walker to walk around the facility and they have Dad in a wheel chair that he can maneuver with his feet or be pushed. He walked himself (with direction) all the way back to their room. He hadn’t been shaved that day, he had spilled food on his pants and Mom seemed down and very tired. I was feeling sick inside and wishing that I could just take them back home and yet I knew that I couldn’t. We got them into their recliners and suggest that they take a nap and I would come back later. I went back later in the afternoon. I was still feeling awful about them being in this situation and for the first time since the process began earlier in the week, I broke down. During this time I received a phone call from our worship pastor at church who had experienced something quite similar with his father a couple of years ago. Just being with someone who knew what I was feeling even though there was nothing that he could do to change things, he just understood and listened to me cry out the feelings in my heart, was a release. (I am so incredibly thankful for God’s impeccable timing in this whole process.) When I got to the nursing home, my heaviness had lifted and I was able to go in with a lighter heart. When I got in there, they had napped and were feeling lighter hearted as well….at least Mom was. Dad is, more or less, just there. There may be things going on that he cannot articulate but this transition has really affected his dementia for now. He loves to listen to me talk to Mom and take everything in, but he communicates very little. Mom was telling me that she had gotten to play with clay in physical therapy that day. She said, “It was fun!” They had worked their legs in therapy the day before and on this day they had worked their hands. They had balls of clay with objects hidden in them that they needed to work out with their fingers. (They have been having therapy every day since the first full day they were admitted.)
The next thing that lifted my spirits was when the CNA came in to get them for supper. She brought in a contraption called a Stand Lift to get Dad out of his recliner into his wheel chair for supper. As I watched her do that I commented to Mom that they had equipment there that I didn’t have at home to do what needed to be done to care for Dad and I realized the truth in that….I couldn’t take him home and this is where he needs to be to get the care that is necessary. His pants had been bunched up in his crotch and I had tried to pull them down for him while sitting in the chair. When the CNA came to get him into the wheelchair with the lift, she pulled his pants straight for him when she stood him up before seating him again and after she seated him, she finger combed his hair in the back that was messed up from sitting in the chair. That gesture touched me so much that I commented on that in the meeting that we had the next day with all the department heads. I left there with such a sense of relief and peace. We all (Sam & I, Rosie & Jim) went to Sherri and Mark’s that evening for supper. That was the first time that we had been able to have a meal in their home since they moved in. What a fun time, except that I was very sleepy. It sees that the emotional strain had taken it’s toll and I was kind of crashing.
We had a meeting on the fourth day (Friday) to meet the department heads and plan for Mom and Dad and to share how we think they are doing. Rosie and Sherri attended with me. Again, I must say how very kind and helpful everyone is. (Mom keeps telling me, also, how kind everyone is to them). By the time we finished our meeting Mom and Dad were in therapy. The three of us hung out with them while finishing their therapy. Sherri and Mark left later in the afternoon for Chicago and then next week, (Wednesday) they will attend the court for the adoption proceedings for Marcia and Isaiah and then head home with the kids, Lord willing. (Again….the timing of this whole process is amazing). We all left to go get lunch and so Sherri could finish doing what she needed to do for the trip. Later that afternoon, we went back for a visit…three grandchildren and four of us “adults”. Dad loved to watching the kids…didn’t say much…but they both seemed to love the company. But Mom made a comment that was quite amazing. She told me about the lady across the hall from her. She is from England. She said that she had gone to visit with her and that she didn’t have people visiting her. She then told me that she could be a blessing here because of helping people who were lonely and by being kind to the staff. That was the coolest thing to see how she was beginning to acclimate and try to bloom where she’s been planted. They are learning the ropes and seeming to adjust really, really well!
Rosie and Jim looked at a house today (Saturday) while Sam and I took Briana to the airport. That was fun for me…to get to go through security with Briana and accompany her to the gate. Sam waited for me in the “courtyard”. We met Rosie and Jim at the nursing home with the kids to see Mom and Dad in the afternoon. Mom told us that Sherri had been there that morning while they were in therapy. I didn’t correct her and tell her that it happened that way the day before. So that could be a good brain thing….if you miss a day she might think that you WERE here that day while thinking of the day before. Sometimes dementia can be an asset!
Tomorrow is Father’s Day. Rosie and Jim are going to postpone their departure until after lunch. We will be eating Sonny’s together at the nursing home in the conference room/private dining room with Mom and Dad to celebrate the day. Mom keeps asking me about going to church with us. I’m just not sure how that is all going to work out. They have S.S. in the morning and then a church service in the afternoon at the nursing home. I suggested they wait and see how the routine goes.
Well, I am falling asleep again and I think that I have jabbered long enough. God is good, his timing is incredible and his strength is amazing. I am thankful for the answered prayer of “compassion without guilt”!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
The long goodbye
I am so sad tonight. Today I left Mom at the nursing home after a visit and was filled with so many emotions. The main one I recognized was guilt. Guilt is a close friend of mine…I know it quite well. The dictionary on my computer gives one definition of guilt as “a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation”. That’s it! That’s what has been plaguing me.
Mom has roommate issues again. Add to that the grieving that takes place because of the loss of her beloved husband…add to THAT the dementia that is taking more and more of her mind and we have a confused and troubled person. Enter, stage right, the daughter who has a built in desire to fix everything and keep everyone she loves, happy. This daughter has entered a stage that she cannot fix, cannot change and she is still also working through the loss of HER beloved Daddy.
Earlier this evening I made a phone call. The dear person on the other end of the line listened a lot and then helped me to focus on some things. During the course of the conversation I realized again that a lot of my problem is that I am grieving deeply the loss of my mother as well as my Dad. Many months ago, as I watched Dad decline so greatly, I realized how much that Mom had sacrificed doing a lot of things that she wanted to do because of Daddy. She would talk to me of specific things that she would enjoy doing but she wouldn’t do them because it may take her away from him or make him feel left out. I imagined all the things that we could do together when Dad passed away. (Not that I was wishing him gone, you understand, but just thinking realistically about when that time would come.) Now he’s gone and she can’t do them or has no desire to.
Back to where I began…I left Mom at the nursing home as was filled with so many emotions…
Guilt! But why? It’s not my fault that Mom’s mind is deteriorating the way it is. I didn’t do it to her! It began long before the nursing home entered the picture! The social worker at the facility where Mom lives told me yesterday that losing a spouse can plummet the dementia decline. I didn’t end Dad’s life! Yesterday when Mom was voicing her concerns about her roommate, I asked if she would like to come home for the day and hang out here. She was very excited about that. She brought her reading material and her word find book. When it was lunchtime I went and got her favorite, Chick-Fil-A. She ate very little but enjoyed a hearty bowl of ice cream! She went back to reading and a little while later was in tears. She had picked up a book on grief. She told me that she had been sure she was “on top of things”. After we talked a few minutes, she asked if I was ready to take her back. She told me that she wanted to go back because she had things to do there and it kept her mind off of things. I took her back. Others in the family have talked about how it is probably easier for her to be there than at home. Here at home, where she spent the past two years living with Daddy, are constant reminders of that fact that he is no longer here. I feel guilty, why??
There is a book entitled “The Long Goodbye”, by Patti Davis in which she talks about her father's Alzheimer disease. I was reminded tonight, during my phone conversation, of that phrase, the long goodbye. That’s where I am with Mom. I am already saying goodbye. The guilt that make me want to bring her home and try to help restore her mind is that part of me that wants to fix things. And I can’t fix things. I can’t turn back time for Mom and her mind. I can’t bring Dad back. Bringing her home won’t make her mind get better. I can’t slow down the dementia process.
It has been suggested that maybe I feel guilt because of being away on vacation when things started to go really bad for Dad. I have strongly denied that I feel any guilt in that regard. What I feel is that God gave me an incredible gift, knowing as He did, what I was getting ready to face when I got home. When we went on that vacation, I was at the bottom of my barrel of strength, energy and mental stamina. It was just enough to help me get through the next few weeks. That brings me to Mom being in the nursing home.
It has also been suggested that God gave me a gift by working things out for both of my parents to be placed together in a facility before Dad passed away. Dad’s most dire need of extra care led them there together because I wouldn’t/couldn’t separate them. Mom became used to it, made friends, got involved with activities and trusts her caregivers. Can I accept this as a gift from God and embrace it equally as well as the week He gave me before Dad died? I’m going to work on it!
Mom has roommate issues again. Add to that the grieving that takes place because of the loss of her beloved husband…add to THAT the dementia that is taking more and more of her mind and we have a confused and troubled person. Enter, stage right, the daughter who has a built in desire to fix everything and keep everyone she loves, happy. This daughter has entered a stage that she cannot fix, cannot change and she is still also working through the loss of HER beloved Daddy.
Earlier this evening I made a phone call. The dear person on the other end of the line listened a lot and then helped me to focus on some things. During the course of the conversation I realized again that a lot of my problem is that I am grieving deeply the loss of my mother as well as my Dad. Many months ago, as I watched Dad decline so greatly, I realized how much that Mom had sacrificed doing a lot of things that she wanted to do because of Daddy. She would talk to me of specific things that she would enjoy doing but she wouldn’t do them because it may take her away from him or make him feel left out. I imagined all the things that we could do together when Dad passed away. (Not that I was wishing him gone, you understand, but just thinking realistically about when that time would come.) Now he’s gone and she can’t do them or has no desire to.
Back to where I began…I left Mom at the nursing home as was filled with so many emotions…
Guilt! But why? It’s not my fault that Mom’s mind is deteriorating the way it is. I didn’t do it to her! It began long before the nursing home entered the picture! The social worker at the facility where Mom lives told me yesterday that losing a spouse can plummet the dementia decline. I didn’t end Dad’s life! Yesterday when Mom was voicing her concerns about her roommate, I asked if she would like to come home for the day and hang out here. She was very excited about that. She brought her reading material and her word find book. When it was lunchtime I went and got her favorite, Chick-Fil-A. She ate very little but enjoyed a hearty bowl of ice cream! She went back to reading and a little while later was in tears. She had picked up a book on grief. She told me that she had been sure she was “on top of things”. After we talked a few minutes, she asked if I was ready to take her back. She told me that she wanted to go back because she had things to do there and it kept her mind off of things. I took her back. Others in the family have talked about how it is probably easier for her to be there than at home. Here at home, where she spent the past two years living with Daddy, are constant reminders of that fact that he is no longer here. I feel guilty, why??
There is a book entitled “The Long Goodbye”, by Patti Davis in which she talks about her father's Alzheimer disease. I was reminded tonight, during my phone conversation, of that phrase, the long goodbye. That’s where I am with Mom. I am already saying goodbye. The guilt that make me want to bring her home and try to help restore her mind is that part of me that wants to fix things. And I can’t fix things. I can’t turn back time for Mom and her mind. I can’t bring Dad back. Bringing her home won’t make her mind get better. I can’t slow down the dementia process.
It has been suggested that maybe I feel guilt because of being away on vacation when things started to go really bad for Dad. I have strongly denied that I feel any guilt in that regard. What I feel is that God gave me an incredible gift, knowing as He did, what I was getting ready to face when I got home. When we went on that vacation, I was at the bottom of my barrel of strength, energy and mental stamina. It was just enough to help me get through the next few weeks. That brings me to Mom being in the nursing home.
It has also been suggested that God gave me a gift by working things out for both of my parents to be placed together in a facility before Dad passed away. Dad’s most dire need of extra care led them there together because I wouldn’t/couldn’t separate them. Mom became used to it, made friends, got involved with activities and trusts her caregivers. Can I accept this as a gift from God and embrace it equally as well as the week He gave me before Dad died? I’m going to work on it!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
A month in the life of my Mother
Warning -- This is a LONG entry! Can't cram a month into one page. :)
It’s been a month since Mom lost the man that she had been married for almost 67 years. A lot of emotional ups and downs have taken place in these past few weeks. For some reason, I have found it difficult to write about Mom and her circumstances. Most of the updates have been about Dad…what he meant to me, to family members and to friends and acquaintances. The memories have been a vital part of the healing process, especially for me. The memories have also been very helpful for sharing with Mom to facilitate her own grieving. In her state of mind at this time in her life, it has been an interesting process, to say the least, to watch and help her with the business of grieving.
I struggle as I sit here trying to put into words where we’ve been with Mom these past several weeks. Why?? In some respects, I’m thinking, I have lost both of my parents. My mother is just a shadow of the vibrant, strong, highly intelligent and wise woman that she once was. Where do I begin as I try to process the emotions and challenges I deal with?
The thing that keeps coming back to my mind is the story I was told about the last time Dad was taken to the hospital from the nursing home. We were in Pennsylvania and the decision was made between Sherri and myself by phone that Dad should be transported to the hospital. When the ambulance came to the facility to pick him up and transport him, it was time for Bingo. As they were taking Dad out, Mom was on her way to Bingo. For anyone reading this who knew my Mom in her younger years of mental clarity, this would be shocking! That she could calmly go to Bingo because this was her new “fun” routine while her husband was on his way to the hospital speaks volumes about where she is mentally at this point in her life.
During the process of Dad’s final days Mom had very little “normal” interaction with him. She was frustrated and confused by the state he was in. She would turn to us and say that he wasn’t looking at her or he wasn’t responding to her. She even made the comment at one point that there didn’t seem to be a reason to spend much time with him because he wasn’t responding to her. Consequently, we didn’t push for her to visit him but let her take the lead in telling us when she wanted to see him.
When Dad was taken to Hospice she called me that first night, when we were getting ready to leave Dad to go home for the night. She was crying and asking to see him. I had promised her that she could see him anytime that she wanted to, so Rich, Sam and I went back across town to get her and took her back to see him. That was the first time that she had seemed to really get it that things were not good. Even though we had talked about the process, (I had talked to her before we told the Dr. that we needed to comply with his issues and stop tube feeding), she didn’t remember the details and had confused ideas about what was going on.
On the day that Dad passed away, Mom was the most lucid that she had been in awhile. She was calm, sweet and loving in her interaction with him. But afterwards she said, “why is his mouth still open?” I told her that he was singing with the angels and couldn’t close it. She seemed to take that explanation just as a child would and was content with that answer.
Mom spent the rest of the day (Friday) with us at the house…sometimes crying but just enjoying being with the family. She was ready to go back to her room for the night after we finished supper. It was really tough knowing what to do for her and thinking of her being alone in her room. We made the decision that it would be too confusing if we were to bring her home to sleep for the night and could conceivably create problems. I told her that she could call me any time and that I didn’t want her to be lonely and by herself when she was sad. She spent Saturday and Sunday afternoons at the house with us. Sunday afternoon was the memorial service at the church. She really didn’t seem to grasp what was happening. At the end of the service she asked if she could say something and Pastor David gave her the microphone. She told the audience that they had a great pastor and worship pastor and that they visited her. While sweet, it was not a normal response for a grieving widow. Two days later she told the staff at the nursing home that she was fine now…she was on top of things and ready to help other people. Again, while a nice thing in theory, not normal. Her husband hadn’t been gone a week and she was ready to move on.
We had some concerns for her on one hand but on the other hand, it seemed that her dementia was a gift. Never thought I would be thankful for dementia! It seemed to be softening the blow of the loss of her dear husband. Later, as many cards and letters came in…stories of memories that people had of Dad… she would cry as she heard them. One day she told me that she had been awake during the night crying, thinking of Dad. All of this encouraged my heart as I felt like she was finally able to recognize the loss and begin to grieve in a healthy manner. When she cries, though, she apologizes like it is something bad and we remind her always that this is a normal part of things and it’s just fine to cry.
Mom wanted all of Dad’s clothes out of the room quickly and packed them up herself because Rosie and I didn’t do it fast enough. She wanted his name off the door…it made her cry. She wanted the sign on his closet that reminded the staff to use his suspenders removed right away. She wanted all memories of him out of the room! She said it was too hard to deal with. The facility sent a staff psychologist into chat with her. He told her he was there to help her with the loss of her husband. She told me that she wasn’t very impressed with this minister that came in to visit with her. “He didn’t know Daddy and I didn’t want to talk to him about him!” she said.
Many of the staff had fallen love with them and were very protective of Mom. They would let me know if they thought that she needed me or was too sad. They facility had planned to leave Mom alone in the room as long as they could but they told me about a week after Dad died that they would be needing to the space and would be needing to move someone in. They moved a resident in who was quite mobile and verbal. On first meeting one would think that there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. She is a very sweet lady. Mom introduced me to her several times and Marie was just as glad to meet me each time as if it had been the first. The problem with this arrangement was that sweet little Marie was a tag along. She followed Mom everywhere and Mom just about went crazy. She was crying and upset and I asked for a change to be made. Her next roommate was a lady who had had a stroke and couldn’t speak. Her mind seems to be quite clear and she is pretty mobile and is up and about and out of the room quite a bit. But to communicate, she must write it down on a pad of paper if gestures don’t work. This time it was Hazel who wasn’t happy with the arrangement… mostly because she liked the setup of her previous room. Mom wasn’t very happy either, though, because Hazel had her TV on all the time. It wasn’t anything that Mom wouldn’t watch but it was the fact that there was noise most of the time. Before the staff could work on any changes, Hazel’s son showed up out of nowhere and decided to take her home. Up until this time, Hazel had told the staff that her children didn’t want her around. This son said that he would take her to Arizona where her daughter lived. It wasn’t much more than a week that Hazel was back in the room with Mom. She wrote a note to Mom on her note pad that her kids didn’t want her. He brought her back with no belongings. This time, Mom seemed able to connect that Hazel had nothing and she was rich in love. They seemed to be coexisting quite well but when I asked the administration about it they said that Hazel still wanted to go back to her old room. It’s been a week and they are still together and Hazel seems to hanging in there okay. She seems to like the fact that I will fight for her as well as for Mom and has asked me to handle a situation for her. Maybe they will be able to stay together. Mom has gotten quite used to the TV being on and actually seems to be enjoying some of the things she sees. She forgets to turn on her own TV so she watches the news and game shows over Hazel’s shoulder (so to speak).
A couple of weeks ago I had encouraged Mom to play the piano in the dining room. She didn’t seem to realize that it was there for anyone to play. The staff knew that she played but she had not agreed to play for them yet. Once she tried the piano out and the people heard her, she began to get requests to play. This encouraged her and she called me one day and said the she wanted to use her money to get a piano tuner because the piano was a mess! Then she asked me for music so we got a couple of her songbooks from home. A family member of another resident heard her play and brought her a binder with music in it for Mom to have. That was such a kind gesture.
Last week Mom was asked if she would represent the facility, along with a friend of hers, in a county wide senior lady’s competition. I’m not sure what the event is actually called but many of the nursing homes are participating with two ladies from each who have interesting backgrounds. She will be taken shopping to find a formal dress and have her hair and nails done for the event. They plan to have the ladies taken to the event in a limousine. It will be held at a local church and families are encouraged to attend. I had told her about it first. Then a few days later she was officially asked by one of the staff. She didn’t remember that I had told her about it. On the afternoon of the day that the staff member asked her, I visited with her and was asking about her conversation in the morning. She didn’t remember it at all. She just remembered the staff member speaking with her but didn’t have any idea about what. One thing for sure…life can be real exciting when you have new experiences every day.
I visit with Mom every day. In the whole time that she has been in the facility there have only been a couple of days that I haven’t seen her. Keeping a schedule is not one of my strong points and I have not established a routine of visitation as Mom had done with her Mom. When Grandma was in the nursing home, Mom used to visit her every day at 2:00 on the dot. Her life was ruled by this plan. Early on, I had decided that I couldn’t and wouldn’t do this. Since Mom has always been ruled by schedules, I knew that this would be deadly for her and for me. It was hard for her at first. She wanted to know when I would be there so she could be in the room. It took awhile but she finally became comfortable with my direction. That was to go about her day and do what she wanted to do and not worry about when I would come. But I promised her that I would find her wherever she was when I got there. She also was afraid to nap at the beginning in case I would come and she would miss me. Another promise…I would never come and leave without seeing her. She has gotten so comfortable with the staff that she will now ask them for help instead of waiting for me. One day B.J. called me. She was just leaving the facility after visiting with Mom. She had spent time with her while she was in physical therapy and then when it was time for lunch she proceeded to walk with her to lunch, planning to keep her company during lunch. When they got to the door of the dining room, Mom turned to B.J. and thanked her coming to visit and have a nice day. When B.J. told me this story I laughed and told her that she had been dismissed!! B.J. heartily agreed. Mom was ready to spend time with her friends and didn’t need anyone getting in the way of that.
Mom’s friends from their Sunday School class have been wonderful! They visit frequently and had asked what they could do for her. I suggested a birdfeeder to place outside of her window along with the flowers that we had placed there. They did that and she has had such a great time watching the birds come to the feeder. One lady visited Mom at 9:00 PM. I noticed that Mom had written the lady’s name in her guest book with the time noted beside it. The next day she told me that she didn’t appreciate people coming to see her at 9:00 at night! Speaking of the guest book…she asks visitors several times during their visit to be sure and sign her guest book. If you don’t sign and she remembers, she will write your name in the guest book. She has been keeping guest books for years! The other day, Heather found Mom’s old ones and found the date of her first visit to Grandma and Grandpa’s house when she was a baby.
The most amazing thing occurred on our way back to the facility this past Sunday. We had taken her to church and then home for lunch with the family. Heather and family had been here for the week and were leaving to go home after lunch. Sherri’s family was coming for lunch as well. She was so excited to be with everyone but was ready to head back to her room about 2:30. On the way back I was telling her that next Sunday would be a quiet one because Sherri’s family wouldn’t be with us and Heather’s family would be back in Tallahassee. She told me not to worry about her because she had people. She would be fine. Amazing!
Yesterday, when I arrived at the facility to visit Mom, Shelly, the admissions director told me she had a funny story for me. During the morning Bible study time, the man who normally led it was unable to attend. A lady resident decided that she would run it. Afterwards, Mom went up to Shelly and asked who was in charge here. She said it wasn’t her but could she help with something. Mom told her that something needed to be done about this lady who got up and led the Bible study. Marie, Mom’s first roommate happened to be with her. Mom told Shelly “we are not Mormans and this lady should not be allowed to lead the study! When the normal leader cannot be there we should just dismiss and wait until the next time!” Marie piped up and said “and I’m Roman Catholic!” (Or was that Morman Catholic?) I told Shelly that I think they are finally getting to see my Mom and she agreed!
Mom seems to be very content with her place in life at this time. The staff loves her and she loves them. When we take her out she tells them that she will be back and they reply that she’d better or they will come and find her. This gives me a peace that has been difficult to come by in these past few months. And for that I am very thankful!
It’s been a month since Mom lost the man that she had been married for almost 67 years. A lot of emotional ups and downs have taken place in these past few weeks. For some reason, I have found it difficult to write about Mom and her circumstances. Most of the updates have been about Dad…what he meant to me, to family members and to friends and acquaintances. The memories have been a vital part of the healing process, especially for me. The memories have also been very helpful for sharing with Mom to facilitate her own grieving. In her state of mind at this time in her life, it has been an interesting process, to say the least, to watch and help her with the business of grieving.
I struggle as I sit here trying to put into words where we’ve been with Mom these past several weeks. Why?? In some respects, I’m thinking, I have lost both of my parents. My mother is just a shadow of the vibrant, strong, highly intelligent and wise woman that she once was. Where do I begin as I try to process the emotions and challenges I deal with?
The thing that keeps coming back to my mind is the story I was told about the last time Dad was taken to the hospital from the nursing home. We were in Pennsylvania and the decision was made between Sherri and myself by phone that Dad should be transported to the hospital. When the ambulance came to the facility to pick him up and transport him, it was time for Bingo. As they were taking Dad out, Mom was on her way to Bingo. For anyone reading this who knew my Mom in her younger years of mental clarity, this would be shocking! That she could calmly go to Bingo because this was her new “fun” routine while her husband was on his way to the hospital speaks volumes about where she is mentally at this point in her life.
During the process of Dad’s final days Mom had very little “normal” interaction with him. She was frustrated and confused by the state he was in. She would turn to us and say that he wasn’t looking at her or he wasn’t responding to her. She even made the comment at one point that there didn’t seem to be a reason to spend much time with him because he wasn’t responding to her. Consequently, we didn’t push for her to visit him but let her take the lead in telling us when she wanted to see him.
When Dad was taken to Hospice she called me that first night, when we were getting ready to leave Dad to go home for the night. She was crying and asking to see him. I had promised her that she could see him anytime that she wanted to, so Rich, Sam and I went back across town to get her and took her back to see him. That was the first time that she had seemed to really get it that things were not good. Even though we had talked about the process, (I had talked to her before we told the Dr. that we needed to comply with his issues and stop tube feeding), she didn’t remember the details and had confused ideas about what was going on.
On the day that Dad passed away, Mom was the most lucid that she had been in awhile. She was calm, sweet and loving in her interaction with him. But afterwards she said, “why is his mouth still open?” I told her that he was singing with the angels and couldn’t close it. She seemed to take that explanation just as a child would and was content with that answer.
Mom spent the rest of the day (Friday) with us at the house…sometimes crying but just enjoying being with the family. She was ready to go back to her room for the night after we finished supper. It was really tough knowing what to do for her and thinking of her being alone in her room. We made the decision that it would be too confusing if we were to bring her home to sleep for the night and could conceivably create problems. I told her that she could call me any time and that I didn’t want her to be lonely and by herself when she was sad. She spent Saturday and Sunday afternoons at the house with us. Sunday afternoon was the memorial service at the church. She really didn’t seem to grasp what was happening. At the end of the service she asked if she could say something and Pastor David gave her the microphone. She told the audience that they had a great pastor and worship pastor and that they visited her. While sweet, it was not a normal response for a grieving widow. Two days later she told the staff at the nursing home that she was fine now…she was on top of things and ready to help other people. Again, while a nice thing in theory, not normal. Her husband hadn’t been gone a week and she was ready to move on.
We had some concerns for her on one hand but on the other hand, it seemed that her dementia was a gift. Never thought I would be thankful for dementia! It seemed to be softening the blow of the loss of her dear husband. Later, as many cards and letters came in…stories of memories that people had of Dad… she would cry as she heard them. One day she told me that she had been awake during the night crying, thinking of Dad. All of this encouraged my heart as I felt like she was finally able to recognize the loss and begin to grieve in a healthy manner. When she cries, though, she apologizes like it is something bad and we remind her always that this is a normal part of things and it’s just fine to cry.
Mom wanted all of Dad’s clothes out of the room quickly and packed them up herself because Rosie and I didn’t do it fast enough. She wanted his name off the door…it made her cry. She wanted the sign on his closet that reminded the staff to use his suspenders removed right away. She wanted all memories of him out of the room! She said it was too hard to deal with. The facility sent a staff psychologist into chat with her. He told her he was there to help her with the loss of her husband. She told me that she wasn’t very impressed with this minister that came in to visit with her. “He didn’t know Daddy and I didn’t want to talk to him about him!” she said.
Many of the staff had fallen love with them and were very protective of Mom. They would let me know if they thought that she needed me or was too sad. They facility had planned to leave Mom alone in the room as long as they could but they told me about a week after Dad died that they would be needing to the space and would be needing to move someone in. They moved a resident in who was quite mobile and verbal. On first meeting one would think that there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. She is a very sweet lady. Mom introduced me to her several times and Marie was just as glad to meet me each time as if it had been the first. The problem with this arrangement was that sweet little Marie was a tag along. She followed Mom everywhere and Mom just about went crazy. She was crying and upset and I asked for a change to be made. Her next roommate was a lady who had had a stroke and couldn’t speak. Her mind seems to be quite clear and she is pretty mobile and is up and about and out of the room quite a bit. But to communicate, she must write it down on a pad of paper if gestures don’t work. This time it was Hazel who wasn’t happy with the arrangement… mostly because she liked the setup of her previous room. Mom wasn’t very happy either, though, because Hazel had her TV on all the time. It wasn’t anything that Mom wouldn’t watch but it was the fact that there was noise most of the time. Before the staff could work on any changes, Hazel’s son showed up out of nowhere and decided to take her home. Up until this time, Hazel had told the staff that her children didn’t want her around. This son said that he would take her to Arizona where her daughter lived. It wasn’t much more than a week that Hazel was back in the room with Mom. She wrote a note to Mom on her note pad that her kids didn’t want her. He brought her back with no belongings. This time, Mom seemed able to connect that Hazel had nothing and she was rich in love. They seemed to be coexisting quite well but when I asked the administration about it they said that Hazel still wanted to go back to her old room. It’s been a week and they are still together and Hazel seems to hanging in there okay. She seems to like the fact that I will fight for her as well as for Mom and has asked me to handle a situation for her. Maybe they will be able to stay together. Mom has gotten quite used to the TV being on and actually seems to be enjoying some of the things she sees. She forgets to turn on her own TV so she watches the news and game shows over Hazel’s shoulder (so to speak).
A couple of weeks ago I had encouraged Mom to play the piano in the dining room. She didn’t seem to realize that it was there for anyone to play. The staff knew that she played but she had not agreed to play for them yet. Once she tried the piano out and the people heard her, she began to get requests to play. This encouraged her and she called me one day and said the she wanted to use her money to get a piano tuner because the piano was a mess! Then she asked me for music so we got a couple of her songbooks from home. A family member of another resident heard her play and brought her a binder with music in it for Mom to have. That was such a kind gesture.
Last week Mom was asked if she would represent the facility, along with a friend of hers, in a county wide senior lady’s competition. I’m not sure what the event is actually called but many of the nursing homes are participating with two ladies from each who have interesting backgrounds. She will be taken shopping to find a formal dress and have her hair and nails done for the event. They plan to have the ladies taken to the event in a limousine. It will be held at a local church and families are encouraged to attend. I had told her about it first. Then a few days later she was officially asked by one of the staff. She didn’t remember that I had told her about it. On the afternoon of the day that the staff member asked her, I visited with her and was asking about her conversation in the morning. She didn’t remember it at all. She just remembered the staff member speaking with her but didn’t have any idea about what. One thing for sure…life can be real exciting when you have new experiences every day.
I visit with Mom every day. In the whole time that she has been in the facility there have only been a couple of days that I haven’t seen her. Keeping a schedule is not one of my strong points and I have not established a routine of visitation as Mom had done with her Mom. When Grandma was in the nursing home, Mom used to visit her every day at 2:00 on the dot. Her life was ruled by this plan. Early on, I had decided that I couldn’t and wouldn’t do this. Since Mom has always been ruled by schedules, I knew that this would be deadly for her and for me. It was hard for her at first. She wanted to know when I would be there so she could be in the room. It took awhile but she finally became comfortable with my direction. That was to go about her day and do what she wanted to do and not worry about when I would come. But I promised her that I would find her wherever she was when I got there. She also was afraid to nap at the beginning in case I would come and she would miss me. Another promise…I would never come and leave without seeing her. She has gotten so comfortable with the staff that she will now ask them for help instead of waiting for me. One day B.J. called me. She was just leaving the facility after visiting with Mom. She had spent time with her while she was in physical therapy and then when it was time for lunch she proceeded to walk with her to lunch, planning to keep her company during lunch. When they got to the door of the dining room, Mom turned to B.J. and thanked her coming to visit and have a nice day. When B.J. told me this story I laughed and told her that she had been dismissed!! B.J. heartily agreed. Mom was ready to spend time with her friends and didn’t need anyone getting in the way of that.
Mom’s friends from their Sunday School class have been wonderful! They visit frequently and had asked what they could do for her. I suggested a birdfeeder to place outside of her window along with the flowers that we had placed there. They did that and she has had such a great time watching the birds come to the feeder. One lady visited Mom at 9:00 PM. I noticed that Mom had written the lady’s name in her guest book with the time noted beside it. The next day she told me that she didn’t appreciate people coming to see her at 9:00 at night! Speaking of the guest book…she asks visitors several times during their visit to be sure and sign her guest book. If you don’t sign and she remembers, she will write your name in the guest book. She has been keeping guest books for years! The other day, Heather found Mom’s old ones and found the date of her first visit to Grandma and Grandpa’s house when she was a baby.
The most amazing thing occurred on our way back to the facility this past Sunday. We had taken her to church and then home for lunch with the family. Heather and family had been here for the week and were leaving to go home after lunch. Sherri’s family was coming for lunch as well. She was so excited to be with everyone but was ready to head back to her room about 2:30. On the way back I was telling her that next Sunday would be a quiet one because Sherri’s family wouldn’t be with us and Heather’s family would be back in Tallahassee. She told me not to worry about her because she had people. She would be fine. Amazing!
Yesterday, when I arrived at the facility to visit Mom, Shelly, the admissions director told me she had a funny story for me. During the morning Bible study time, the man who normally led it was unable to attend. A lady resident decided that she would run it. Afterwards, Mom went up to Shelly and asked who was in charge here. She said it wasn’t her but could she help with something. Mom told her that something needed to be done about this lady who got up and led the Bible study. Marie, Mom’s first roommate happened to be with her. Mom told Shelly “we are not Mormans and this lady should not be allowed to lead the study! When the normal leader cannot be there we should just dismiss and wait until the next time!” Marie piped up and said “and I’m Roman Catholic!” (Or was that Morman Catholic?) I told Shelly that I think they are finally getting to see my Mom and she agreed!
Mom seems to be very content with her place in life at this time. The staff loves her and she loves them. When we take her out she tells them that she will be back and they reply that she’d better or they will come and find her. This gives me a peace that has been difficult to come by in these past few months. And for that I am very thankful!
Monday, August 24, 2009
A letter from my cousin, Sylvia
August 21, 2009
Dear Lois,
It’s been interesting to read the notes from your folks’ coworkers in Africa. I don’t have any memories from there (!) but I have some from the U.S.A.
My earliest memories of your father are when he lived with us briefly while he was working (I think) at GE or maybe studying. I’m not sure. That was a very long time ago.
We had some emotional farewells and welcome home events when your family would depart or return from Africa. I remember my mom jumping up and down and crying, “I see Johnny! I see Johnny!” when your ship was docking.
After the Africa years were over and your dad was president at Frankfort, I stayed with your family on several occasions when I was on deputation. I don’t remember how many times I visited and spoke in churches where your father was pastoring but he always gave me an open door to share my ministry with his church people. Your parents were faithful supporters of mine for probably close to 40 years.
I remember your father speaking on “missionary day” at one of the campmeetings we attended. He told the people, “I’d like to talk shop today,” and then he told some of the nitty-gritty of the workings of the mission on the field. Another time, I remember him telling about the time your mom was bitten by the puff adder and how the Lord spared her life.
One thing I really admired about your folks was that they always thought the best of people. They never made negative comments about people even when others were doing it and the information was true.
It may have been more than one time, but I remember the family reunion we had in Troutville (53 of us that time) and the whole gang sang From Every Stormy Wind and your father was the chief organizer. Too bad we don’t have a recording of it.
I think Phil still has the “pump lamp” that your father made for us. It’s in the shape of an old fashioned water pump. You turn it on and off by pulling the pump handle. He was a master craftsman.
Your father’s passing marks the end of an era in our family.
Now he’s with his parents and siblings in the presence of Jesus. We miss him but we have to be happy for him.
We pray the Lord will fill your heart with His peace.
Lots of love,
Sylvia
Dear Lois,
It’s been interesting to read the notes from your folks’ coworkers in Africa. I don’t have any memories from there (!) but I have some from the U.S.A.
My earliest memories of your father are when he lived with us briefly while he was working (I think) at GE or maybe studying. I’m not sure. That was a very long time ago.
We had some emotional farewells and welcome home events when your family would depart or return from Africa. I remember my mom jumping up and down and crying, “I see Johnny! I see Johnny!” when your ship was docking.
After the Africa years were over and your dad was president at Frankfort, I stayed with your family on several occasions when I was on deputation. I don’t remember how many times I visited and spoke in churches where your father was pastoring but he always gave me an open door to share my ministry with his church people. Your parents were faithful supporters of mine for probably close to 40 years.
I remember your father speaking on “missionary day” at one of the campmeetings we attended. He told the people, “I’d like to talk shop today,” and then he told some of the nitty-gritty of the workings of the mission on the field. Another time, I remember him telling about the time your mom was bitten by the puff adder and how the Lord spared her life.
One thing I really admired about your folks was that they always thought the best of people. They never made negative comments about people even when others were doing it and the information was true.
It may have been more than one time, but I remember the family reunion we had in Troutville (53 of us that time) and the whole gang sang From Every Stormy Wind and your father was the chief organizer. Too bad we don’t have a recording of it.
I think Phil still has the “pump lamp” that your father made for us. It’s in the shape of an old fashioned water pump. You turn it on and off by pulling the pump handle. He was a master craftsman.
Your father’s passing marks the end of an era in our family.
Now he’s with his parents and siblings in the presence of Jesus. We miss him but we have to be happy for him.
We pray the Lord will fill your heart with His peace.
Lots of love,
Sylvia
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Letters from the mission field
Below is a post from my brother, Rich. He has been going through letters that our parents wrote home from the mission field and gathering information of the amazing life they have led. I find it astounding to hear of the experiences they had.
(Excerpt from letter from Jembo Mission, Northern Rhodesia 24 January, 1949)
Between Christmas and New Years, Brother Gray and I went on a short trip to
the valley. I had promised the people at Jumbo that I would visit them with the new
missionary way back in May before the Grays had gotten here and I had not been able
to keep my promise to them. So since it was dry weather, we went and had a good trip.
We went on bicycles and by foot, it seemed mostly by foot. The hills are not any smaller
than the last time that I tried that escarpment only then I had nothing to push. We left
here in the morning with our bicycles loaded, with two of our workers with us. We
reached our destination, Jumbo, about 5:30 and 24 miles later.
The last ten miles consisted of getting off and pushing up and down hills too bad
to ride. We have some pictures of the trip that ought to show the ruggedness of the
path. We made it all right but were quite tired and very thirsty. We had boiled water
once on the way but our water bags were empty when we reached there. We had taken
camp cots with us and we set them up in the school house as soon as we arrived. It
was very hot there and it seemed that we wouldn't get to sleep when we finally turned
in. We had a service with the people in the school yard. The only light that we had was
the light of a wood fire. It was so warm that you didn't want to have the fire too large. We
could see the forms of the people gathered around but could not distinguish them very
well. We had a good service and many prayed at the close.
The next day we pushed on to Kayuni which proved to be 13 miles by my
cyclometer. That trip was about as hard as the one on the previous day because we
were tired. The first five miles were terrific passing through river beds that were very
steep and big rocks on the banks. I had such a load on my bicycle that I couldn't lift it to
carry but had to push only. At the end of the five miles the water bags were empty and
we stopped to boil water. The last part was not so bad and we finally reached our
destination. We had a service with the people that night and went to bed thankfully. We
pitched our cots and nets out under the trees so that we could get what breeze there
was. That evening we made arrangements with two school boys from Jembo that were
on vacation, to carry our beds and blankets for us back to Jumbo and then later back to
the Mission. That was a big help for then the bicycles were light enough to carry over
the bad places.
In the morning we went on to the hot springs. Brother Gray had not seen them
before and we all wanted to take a bath. On the way we passed a small village where
some women were wailing. We stopped and enquired what was the matter. A small
baby had died the day before and they had buried it and were wailing over the grave.
We called the people together and I talked to them for a few minutes about how the little
one had gone to be with Jesus and that they should get prepared to go to heaven also.
We prayed with them and went on our way.
We had to walk downstream quite a ways to get to where the water was cool
enough for us to bathe. Where the water comes out of the hill side, it is nearly to the
boiling point. I ate some corn that was cooked in the water the last time that I was there.
After we had had our fill of seeing that phenomenon of nature, we returned to Kayuni.
We ate a little and began our journey back to Jumbo. It was not as bad this time since
we had less of a load to push. That evening we had another service with the people but
the wind blew so that it was hard to make yourself heard and we closed rather soon. We
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made arrangements to have four boys help carry our things up the escarpment for us.
So we (Brother Gray and I) were relieved of our bicycles and loads and we walked up in
comparative ease. At the top of the hill, about 14 miles from the Mission, we took the
bicycles again and rode on in. We were pretty tired when we got back but had had a
good trip. We had travelled altogether about 90 miles.
John Blann
(My notes: This is an amazing story to show the lengths that John Blann would go to in
order to reach out to the local people there. By today’s standards, it is hard to conceive
that amount of miles spent traveling around on a bicycle just to get from one place to
another. There are many stories of doing a 50 mile bicycle ride in one day just to go out
to preach or to check up on a mission station.)
(Excerpt from the 31 January 1949 letter written by John Blann to Brother Flexon
requesting support for opening a new mission station in a region that had previously not
been reached by the gospel.)
I have made seven trips to the Valley area in the past nine months. I am
more convinced of the need and the opportunity that is there. Along the river itself, there
is a very large concentration of population. We have eight schools open in the valley
and three that we have permission for but are unable to get teachers to go and teach. If
we had teachers we easily could open up another half dozen stations in as many
months. On one of my last trips there, a village asked me for a teacher. There are four
villages in that locality that have no one to teach or to preach to them. That is only an
isolated case too. The difficulty in getting teachers to go there is that the people on the
plateau regard the valley nearly as bad and as far away from their way of living as the
people in America do Africa. First there are practically no roads. The track that we have
used is in its infancy and has been used only by jeeps thus far. Secondly there are no
stores to buy the necessities of life such as salt, food, clothing, soap, etc. During the
heavy rains there is no way to get out at present. They have diseases there that are not
prevalent on the plateau. There are crocodiles in the river where the people draw water.
It is a starvation area because the people do not know proper ways to take care of the
ground and grow enough food. All these things go through the teacher’s minds when
they are asked to go to the valley to help those people.
All of our teachers are first generation Christians and are just a few steps
away from heathenism. I don't know that we can blame them too much when some
Christians in America will hardly turn over their hand towards the fulfillment of the Great
Commission. However these things do exist and must be overcome. The only ways they
will be overcome is by example. We must have a sub-station there where a missionary
stays. There must be a dispensary attached. Roads must be opened up for easy
transportation of essentials. The people must be taught better methods of agriculture so
they will not have a famine yearly. If this is done then I believe that it will be easier to get
Page 3 of 3
teachers to go and work there. Also the expanding of the work there will raise up
Christian workers from the Valley people themselves. It will take time for they are living
in great spiritual darkness. The last trip that I made in the valley, one of our workers was
talking to a man about going to heaven. His answer was that he was too old to repent.
The work there in the valley is real pioneer work such as there is in few parts of Africa
today. We need a missionary there if we are really going to do anything for those
people. The number of people that there are in that area under our work is as great as
the number that are in the area in the plateau, I believe. There is room for a complete
mission field in the valley that would take all the time of a couple and a nurse easily right
now, and room for expansion in the coming years when the country is opened up more
in a material way. What can we do with it? I have already in a previous letter offered my
services in that field if someone could be sent to relieve me at Jembo. One hardly dares
to not obey the words that Jesus spoke to His disciples "Lift up your eyes and look on
the fields". There just is not enough time and strength to do what needs to be done.
I think that I have finished my epistle for this time. Please do not think that
what I have said is in anyway demanding. It is only that as I see the possibilities of
advancement, it is my heart's desire to see the work of God go forward.
I can testify that I love the Lord with all my heart and find much joy in being
able to serve Him in Africa. My constant prayer is that He will help me to be more for
Him.
Yours in His service
H. John Blann
(My notes: It is that very area that John and Eva Blann spent during the next eight
years. There are many stories of going into villages that had never heard the Good
News and how that ultimately ended up touching the lives of thousands for the good.
They reached out to the people in a unique way; preaching the gospel, developing
schools for the local people, trained native pastors to continue the work, helped
establish medical clinics and hospitals, and established many churches in the area.
The resourcefulness of this couple to minister to the needs of the people there has been
an amazing story to read.)
(Excerpt from letter from Jembo Mission, Northern Rhodesia 24 January, 1949)
Between Christmas and New Years, Brother Gray and I went on a short trip to
the valley. I had promised the people at Jumbo that I would visit them with the new
missionary way back in May before the Grays had gotten here and I had not been able
to keep my promise to them. So since it was dry weather, we went and had a good trip.
We went on bicycles and by foot, it seemed mostly by foot. The hills are not any smaller
than the last time that I tried that escarpment only then I had nothing to push. We left
here in the morning with our bicycles loaded, with two of our workers with us. We
reached our destination, Jumbo, about 5:30 and 24 miles later.
The last ten miles consisted of getting off and pushing up and down hills too bad
to ride. We have some pictures of the trip that ought to show the ruggedness of the
path. We made it all right but were quite tired and very thirsty. We had boiled water
once on the way but our water bags were empty when we reached there. We had taken
camp cots with us and we set them up in the school house as soon as we arrived. It
was very hot there and it seemed that we wouldn't get to sleep when we finally turned
in. We had a service with the people in the school yard. The only light that we had was
the light of a wood fire. It was so warm that you didn't want to have the fire too large. We
could see the forms of the people gathered around but could not distinguish them very
well. We had a good service and many prayed at the close.
The next day we pushed on to Kayuni which proved to be 13 miles by my
cyclometer. That trip was about as hard as the one on the previous day because we
were tired. The first five miles were terrific passing through river beds that were very
steep and big rocks on the banks. I had such a load on my bicycle that I couldn't lift it to
carry but had to push only. At the end of the five miles the water bags were empty and
we stopped to boil water. The last part was not so bad and we finally reached our
destination. We had a service with the people that night and went to bed thankfully. We
pitched our cots and nets out under the trees so that we could get what breeze there
was. That evening we made arrangements with two school boys from Jembo that were
on vacation, to carry our beds and blankets for us back to Jumbo and then later back to
the Mission. That was a big help for then the bicycles were light enough to carry over
the bad places.
In the morning we went on to the hot springs. Brother Gray had not seen them
before and we all wanted to take a bath. On the way we passed a small village where
some women were wailing. We stopped and enquired what was the matter. A small
baby had died the day before and they had buried it and were wailing over the grave.
We called the people together and I talked to them for a few minutes about how the little
one had gone to be with Jesus and that they should get prepared to go to heaven also.
We prayed with them and went on our way.
We had to walk downstream quite a ways to get to where the water was cool
enough for us to bathe. Where the water comes out of the hill side, it is nearly to the
boiling point. I ate some corn that was cooked in the water the last time that I was there.
After we had had our fill of seeing that phenomenon of nature, we returned to Kayuni.
We ate a little and began our journey back to Jumbo. It was not as bad this time since
we had less of a load to push. That evening we had another service with the people but
the wind blew so that it was hard to make yourself heard and we closed rather soon. We
Page 2 of 3
made arrangements to have four boys help carry our things up the escarpment for us.
So we (Brother Gray and I) were relieved of our bicycles and loads and we walked up in
comparative ease. At the top of the hill, about 14 miles from the Mission, we took the
bicycles again and rode on in. We were pretty tired when we got back but had had a
good trip. We had travelled altogether about 90 miles.
John Blann
(My notes: This is an amazing story to show the lengths that John Blann would go to in
order to reach out to the local people there. By today’s standards, it is hard to conceive
that amount of miles spent traveling around on a bicycle just to get from one place to
another. There are many stories of doing a 50 mile bicycle ride in one day just to go out
to preach or to check up on a mission station.)
(Excerpt from the 31 January 1949 letter written by John Blann to Brother Flexon
requesting support for opening a new mission station in a region that had previously not
been reached by the gospel.)
I have made seven trips to the Valley area in the past nine months. I am
more convinced of the need and the opportunity that is there. Along the river itself, there
is a very large concentration of population. We have eight schools open in the valley
and three that we have permission for but are unable to get teachers to go and teach. If
we had teachers we easily could open up another half dozen stations in as many
months. On one of my last trips there, a village asked me for a teacher. There are four
villages in that locality that have no one to teach or to preach to them. That is only an
isolated case too. The difficulty in getting teachers to go there is that the people on the
plateau regard the valley nearly as bad and as far away from their way of living as the
people in America do Africa. First there are practically no roads. The track that we have
used is in its infancy and has been used only by jeeps thus far. Secondly there are no
stores to buy the necessities of life such as salt, food, clothing, soap, etc. During the
heavy rains there is no way to get out at present. They have diseases there that are not
prevalent on the plateau. There are crocodiles in the river where the people draw water.
It is a starvation area because the people do not know proper ways to take care of the
ground and grow enough food. All these things go through the teacher’s minds when
they are asked to go to the valley to help those people.
All of our teachers are first generation Christians and are just a few steps
away from heathenism. I don't know that we can blame them too much when some
Christians in America will hardly turn over their hand towards the fulfillment of the Great
Commission. However these things do exist and must be overcome. The only ways they
will be overcome is by example. We must have a sub-station there where a missionary
stays. There must be a dispensary attached. Roads must be opened up for easy
transportation of essentials. The people must be taught better methods of agriculture so
they will not have a famine yearly. If this is done then I believe that it will be easier to get
Page 3 of 3
teachers to go and work there. Also the expanding of the work there will raise up
Christian workers from the Valley people themselves. It will take time for they are living
in great spiritual darkness. The last trip that I made in the valley, one of our workers was
talking to a man about going to heaven. His answer was that he was too old to repent.
The work there in the valley is real pioneer work such as there is in few parts of Africa
today. We need a missionary there if we are really going to do anything for those
people. The number of people that there are in that area under our work is as great as
the number that are in the area in the plateau, I believe. There is room for a complete
mission field in the valley that would take all the time of a couple and a nurse easily right
now, and room for expansion in the coming years when the country is opened up more
in a material way. What can we do with it? I have already in a previous letter offered my
services in that field if someone could be sent to relieve me at Jembo. One hardly dares
to not obey the words that Jesus spoke to His disciples "Lift up your eyes and look on
the fields". There just is not enough time and strength to do what needs to be done.
I think that I have finished my epistle for this time. Please do not think that
what I have said is in anyway demanding. It is only that as I see the possibilities of
advancement, it is my heart's desire to see the work of God go forward.
I can testify that I love the Lord with all my heart and find much joy in being
able to serve Him in Africa. My constant prayer is that He will help me to be more for
Him.
Yours in His service
H. John Blann
(My notes: It is that very area that John and Eva Blann spent during the next eight
years. There are many stories of going into villages that had never heard the Good
News and how that ultimately ended up touching the lives of thousands for the good.
They reached out to the people in a unique way; preaching the gospel, developing
schools for the local people, trained native pastors to continue the work, helped
establish medical clinics and hospitals, and established many churches in the area.
The resourcefulness of this couple to minister to the needs of the people there has been
an amazing story to read.)
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Memories - Part two
Tonight I will share an excerpt of a letter received by way of another missionary that we served with in Africa. The letter is from "good neighbors and all the missionaries loved them very much".
"Thank you for letting me know that John Blann had passed on I was sad to hear about it. I immediately started to think about him and our original meeting of around 47/48 I think, and the circumstances that surrounded it. John and Eva got off the train with little Rose Marie at what must have been for them a very bare station only to find no one there to meet them, and how by good fortune on that afternoon, I had taken my Mother into Pemba to meet and socialize with the wife of a railway employee for an hour or two, and then somehow I had met up with John on the deserted platform of Pemba Station, and to be asked by him if I knew of a Jembo Mission?? Apparently, John had sent a telegram to Jembo Mission advising of his arrival but as you will doubtless remember in those days, telegrams were not delivered but were treated as letters in your postal box awaiting collections. Anyway, what happened was that my Mother and I took them out to Jembo, with Eva and Rose Marie sitting in the front of our old 1938 Chevy pick-up with my Mother and myself, and John sitting in the open back with their luggage. When we arrived at Jembo there was much consternation amongst the 2 or 3 ladies who were the only staff on the Mission as nobody knew when the Blanns were arriving and I seem to think that there was no male Missionary staff in residence at that time. Those first few weeks/months must have been quite an eye-opener for the Blanns at that time! To my mind John was a highly capable mechanical genius and was able to turn his hand to almost anything that needed repair. I remember him installing new ceilings in the lounge at our house and also one of the bedrooms. He also did an overhaul of the engine on that old Chevy and installed new rings and bearings. I remember quite clearly going out with John when they were stationed in the Zambesi Valley on the edge of the mighty Zambesi River on at least 3 occasion, hunting crocodiles at night with the aid of a powerful spotlight and the various dramas we had; one in particular which included you, Ray, and Roger, when we ran aground on a sandbank in the middle of the river which nearly catapulted all of us into the river! On another occasion, one of the crocodiles we had shot and dragged into the boat, suddenly came alive causing severe consternation in the boat until we could get a light on the scene. I then had the task of dispatching this sudden burst of life by administering several blows to the crocodile's head with a hammer, as a sort of coup de grace which in the process and excitement, I somehow managed to inexplicably throw John's precious steel handled hammer in the Zambesi.
Yes, John was a great and honorable person, and he will be remembered by many for the fine person he was. Please convey my deep sympathy to Eva and to remind her that I remember their days in Zambia with deep admiration."
In my last post I mentioned the simple faith and trust in the life of my Dad. This letter also shows the faith and trust this young family had to have to start this adventure of theirs with the Lord. But it also shows the spirit of adventure, thirst for a challenge and the creative ingenuity that defined my Dad. I sure do miss him!
"Thank you for letting me know that John Blann had passed on I was sad to hear about it. I immediately started to think about him and our original meeting of around 47/48 I think, and the circumstances that surrounded it. John and Eva got off the train with little Rose Marie at what must have been for them a very bare station only to find no one there to meet them, and how by good fortune on that afternoon, I had taken my Mother into Pemba to meet and socialize with the wife of a railway employee for an hour or two, and then somehow I had met up with John on the deserted platform of Pemba Station, and to be asked by him if I knew of a Jembo Mission?? Apparently, John had sent a telegram to Jembo Mission advising of his arrival but as you will doubtless remember in those days, telegrams were not delivered but were treated as letters in your postal box awaiting collections. Anyway, what happened was that my Mother and I took them out to Jembo, with Eva and Rose Marie sitting in the front of our old 1938 Chevy pick-up with my Mother and myself, and John sitting in the open back with their luggage. When we arrived at Jembo there was much consternation amongst the 2 or 3 ladies who were the only staff on the Mission as nobody knew when the Blanns were arriving and I seem to think that there was no male Missionary staff in residence at that time. Those first few weeks/months must have been quite an eye-opener for the Blanns at that time! To my mind John was a highly capable mechanical genius and was able to turn his hand to almost anything that needed repair. I remember him installing new ceilings in the lounge at our house and also one of the bedrooms. He also did an overhaul of the engine on that old Chevy and installed new rings and bearings. I remember quite clearly going out with John when they were stationed in the Zambesi Valley on the edge of the mighty Zambesi River on at least 3 occasion, hunting crocodiles at night with the aid of a powerful spotlight and the various dramas we had; one in particular which included you, Ray, and Roger, when we ran aground on a sandbank in the middle of the river which nearly catapulted all of us into the river! On another occasion, one of the crocodiles we had shot and dragged into the boat, suddenly came alive causing severe consternation in the boat until we could get a light on the scene. I then had the task of dispatching this sudden burst of life by administering several blows to the crocodile's head with a hammer, as a sort of coup de grace which in the process and excitement, I somehow managed to inexplicably throw John's precious steel handled hammer in the Zambesi.
Yes, John was a great and honorable person, and he will be remembered by many for the fine person he was. Please convey my deep sympathy to Eva and to remind her that I remember their days in Zambia with deep admiration."
In my last post I mentioned the simple faith and trust in the life of my Dad. This letter also shows the faith and trust this young family had to have to start this adventure of theirs with the Lord. But it also shows the spirit of adventure, thirst for a challenge and the creative ingenuity that defined my Dad. I sure do miss him!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Memories from the past
It's been almost four weeks since the man I called Daddy for 56 years exchanged life on earth with eternal life with his Lord. During these past weeks, we have received lots of wonderful cards and letters from family, friends and acquaintances. While all have been uplifting and encouraging, some have contained precious memories of my Dad. I'd like to share some of these here.
"Dear Lois,
Thanks for sharing with us about the "home going" of your dad just recently. Thinking about both he and your mother, brought back memories of our times with them. Ermal remembers especially how they pioneered the work in the valley in Zambia.
One special time was when he visited them and they were having a problem wit hyenas. They ad a shelter fixed for him to stay in, but when he arrived he was told the hyenas had chewed up the mattress in that shelter just the night before. He wasn't very excited about sleeping in the shelter, so he asked if he could sleep in their very small "home" - I think it had just 3 little rooms. He had to sleep on the floor and remembers his feet touching the screen door - the only thing between him and any hyenas that came through the night. He said he prayed most of the night and didn't get much sleep. Your dad also heard the hyenas when they came - he breathed a short prayer for the Lord's protection and slet through the night. The next morning they chatted about that - your dad prayed a short prayer and he slept - Ermal prayed through the night and got very little sleep."
It was fun to read this story from another missionary friend from long ago and I thank them for sharing it with us, One thing that struck me as I read this story and reflected on it was the simple faith of my Dad. That's why he could go into an area where others said it was impossible and impassable. He "prayed a short prayer and he slept". He so completely trusted that God would take care of them. I watched that complete trust play out many times through the years.
"Dear Lois,
Thanks for sharing with us about the "home going" of your dad just recently. Thinking about both he and your mother, brought back memories of our times with them. Ermal remembers especially how they pioneered the work in the valley in Zambia.
One special time was when he visited them and they were having a problem wit hyenas. They ad a shelter fixed for him to stay in, but when he arrived he was told the hyenas had chewed up the mattress in that shelter just the night before. He wasn't very excited about sleeping in the shelter, so he asked if he could sleep in their very small "home" - I think it had just 3 little rooms. He had to sleep on the floor and remembers his feet touching the screen door - the only thing between him and any hyenas that came through the night. He said he prayed most of the night and didn't get much sleep. Your dad also heard the hyenas when they came - he breathed a short prayer for the Lord's protection and slet through the night. The next morning they chatted about that - your dad prayed a short prayer and he slept - Ermal prayed through the night and got very little sleep."
It was fun to read this story from another missionary friend from long ago and I thank them for sharing it with us, One thing that struck me as I read this story and reflected on it was the simple faith of my Dad. That's why he could go into an area where others said it was impossible and impassable. He "prayed a short prayer and he slept". He so completely trusted that God would take care of them. I watched that complete trust play out many times through the years.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Struggles, Frustrations & Decisions
I have battled with leaving Mom in the nursing home following Dad's passing. My siblings have encouraged me not to take her home as I would be back in the same position needing to have help if I ever needed to be away from home. I have 4 grandchildren and our Heather (mom to three) is in Med school in Tallahassee. I want to be able to give her a hand at times with the children. I want to be able to just be a Nana. I’d like to be able to visit our son’s families in North and South Carolina. Yesterday, in church, I think I only heard half of the message as I was thinking through everything and trying to understand what it was that God would have me do. Sam is very supportive and would support whatever I decided but his inclination is to also leave Mom where she is while giving her lots of support and times away from the facility spent with us.
I was reminded today that God truly worked out all of the details for Mom and Dad to be at Doctors Lake and He did it for a reason. He could have called Daddy home a few weeks earlier before they left the house and Mom would still be here and I would still be very tied to the house and my responsibilities here. Mom is settled there and has made many friends of the staff and has many activities to enjoy and people to see and that wouldn't be the case here. I was so busy caring for Mom and Dad that I had very little time to "play" with them.
Today, Mom called and asked if she had dreamed it or did I say she could come home. I explained that where she was, she had a safe place to stay if I needed to be away to help with the grandkids and she had activities and friends there and that we could still do fun things together. Rosie was still here - they were packed and ready to go soon so I decided that I would just run and get her and bring her back here so that she could tell them goodbye from here and they wouldn't have to stop there. That would also help her to see that we weren't having a "party" without her. So I brought her home about 10am and she hung out here with me until I took her to get her nails done at noon. Then we went to eat at Chick-Fil-A (her favorite place) and then back to Doctors Lake by two so I could get to a Dr.'s appt. This is my commitment to her. I will leave her there to live but will be able to spend lots of quality time with her that I wasn't able to do when I did all of her care and Dad's care.
Mom has gone downhill mentally so much lately. This is a woman who has accomplished much in her lifetime. She was a talented and capable woman. And now, she cannot follow directions to do the handwork that she used to do. I gave her a kit today to make hot pads. She was so excited. The kind you weave from stretchy loops. She sat there and looped the first layer and then just placed the next layer of loops right over the top the other direction. I showed her that wasn't correct...helped her take them off and showed her how to weave it in. I did two loops to show her. Thirty minutes later she was still contentedly struggling with the third loop and only had it halfway woven in.
We had wanted to}] be a part of the Creek Church (the satellite campus across the street from us) but it is so very important for Mom to be in service at the main campus that we have decided that we will continue to attend there so that Mom can be there. Then we will bring her home for Sunday dinner with the family. Sherri and her family usually join us every Sunday after church. We will continue to take things one day at a time.
I was reminded today that God truly worked out all of the details for Mom and Dad to be at Doctors Lake and He did it for a reason. He could have called Daddy home a few weeks earlier before they left the house and Mom would still be here and I would still be very tied to the house and my responsibilities here. Mom is settled there and has made many friends of the staff and has many activities to enjoy and people to see and that wouldn't be the case here. I was so busy caring for Mom and Dad that I had very little time to "play" with them.
Today, Mom called and asked if she had dreamed it or did I say she could come home. I explained that where she was, she had a safe place to stay if I needed to be away to help with the grandkids and she had activities and friends there and that we could still do fun things together. Rosie was still here - they were packed and ready to go soon so I decided that I would just run and get her and bring her back here so that she could tell them goodbye from here and they wouldn't have to stop there. That would also help her to see that we weren't having a "party" without her. So I brought her home about 10am and she hung out here with me until I took her to get her nails done at noon. Then we went to eat at Chick-Fil-A (her favorite place) and then back to Doctors Lake by two so I could get to a Dr.'s appt. This is my commitment to her. I will leave her there to live but will be able to spend lots of quality time with her that I wasn't able to do when I did all of her care and Dad's care.
Mom has gone downhill mentally so much lately. This is a woman who has accomplished much in her lifetime. She was a talented and capable woman. And now, she cannot follow directions to do the handwork that she used to do. I gave her a kit today to make hot pads. She was so excited. The kind you weave from stretchy loops. She sat there and looped the first layer and then just placed the next layer of loops right over the top the other direction. I showed her that wasn't correct...helped her take them off and showed her how to weave it in. I did two loops to show her. Thirty minutes later she was still contentedly struggling with the third loop and only had it halfway woven in.
We had wanted to}] be a part of the Creek Church (the satellite campus across the street from us) but it is so very important for Mom to be in service at the main campus that we have decided that we will continue to attend there so that Mom can be there. Then we will bring her home for Sunday dinner with the family. Sherri and her family usually join us every Sunday after church. We will continue to take things one day at a time.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Finally, I'm back!! Time to share again.
I’m back! It’s been a week and a half since Daddy went to be with Jesus. I have been silent since then…unable to write. Many times I have wanted to sit down and share the circumstances of the day that he passed away but I just couldn’t do it. Whether I was too tired, too emotionally overwrought or too numb…I don’t know. I just know I couldn’t do it. It feels much longer than a week and a half – like Dad has been gone much longer. One of the booklets that I read about grief that I picked up from the funeral home said that even when our parent who passes is old and has dementia, we are saying goodbye to the Mom or Dad of our youth. It certainly is a bit of a phenomenon of sorts. As I was saying goodbye in the last days, I was saying goodbye to my “Daddy”. Remembering special times as a child with my Dad…the nights that I would wake up crying because I had dreamed that my Dad had left to go to an outstation in Africa without me. (I have memories of him taking me with him and was very jealous when my “little” brother was old enough to go along also.) Another memory was of how my Dad called me his “little Lotus blossom”. My brothers would sometimes call me “locust” instead of Lois to tease me but my Dad would always correct them and call me Lotus. These and other things I recalled with my Dad as he lay on his bed the last days of his life. Some of the things that I would recall brought a small smile to Dad’s face even when he wasn’t able to communicate. He heard me and was remembering with me.
I mentioned in the post I wrote the night before Dad passed away that the doctor had mentioned that Dad would probably have another 3 to 5 days. He indicated that he was a robust man and was very hydrated. Earlier, in February, when I first started to get help in at the house, one of the things that the nurse had been concerned about was that Dad was somewhat dehydrated. It was very difficult to get Dad to drink enough. Another thing that had concerned me was that he seemed to be a little blue around his lips, which could mean that he wasn’t getting enough oxygen. I mention this because the night before he passed away he was more hydrated and had a higher oxygen level than had been normal for a while. We had prayed earlier that God would have mercy on Dad and not allow him to linger long and suffer. We had also specifically prayed for peace. That last night, before crawling into the roll-away-bed in his room I laid my head on his chest and cried. I told him many things but one thing I said was that he was not going to get better here…that the only way he was going to get better was with Jesus. Dad was a very strong and determined individual and if he had any thought that he would get better he would fight to stay. I know that God is sovereign and that His timing is perfect but I do believe that he uses each of us in His own way to fulfill His purposes and his plans.
I slept quite soundly during the night and yet I dreamed a lot. The nurse that came on duty at 11:00 pm never seemed to come in and yet I found out in the morning that they tried to be very quiet when they came in during the night because I was sleeping so well. I was agitated in the morning because I never once saw the nurse to talk with her and felt as if Dad was being neglected. I had a couple of hours with Dad in the morning before any other family member arrived. I sang through every song that Rosie had printed the words to and we had sung as a family on Sunday morning. Then I read scripture to him from his Bible and read from a devotional book we had in the room after which I stood up to talk to him. Dad had been pretty unresponsive and not moving his eyes to make eye contact for maybe about 24 hours. At that moment, when I began to talk with him, his eyes shifted and he made eye contact with me for several minutes. I know that he heard the things that I was saying to him and was trying to respond.
Mom called a short while later and said that she was ready to come and see Dad. We made arrangements for Sherri to go pick her up and bring her to the Hospice facility. Meanwhile, the nurse we had for the day shift had come in and assessed Dad. Her feeling was that we were in the hours to days time frame regarding his dying. Early in the morning Dad had spiked a fever of almost 103. His breathing was getting shallower and more quiet. Mom arrived as did many other family members. Sherri brought Mom, Marcia & Isaiah. Nila and I were in the room along with Rosie, Jim and Amber. Sam was coming to eat lunch at Hospice with us. When Mom arrived, she talked to Dad and he did the same thing that he had done with me…he moved his eyes and made eye contact with her. She told him that she loved him and he responded with a grunt which I am SURE was him telling her that he loved her too. A little while later we decided that many of us were hungry and we began to figure out what we were going to do for lunch. Sherri and Mom decided to stay in the room while the rest of us went to the cafeteria to get lunch. We kissed Dad goodbye before we left the room. We had just sat down and begun to eat our lunch when Sherri called my cell phone and said to come quickly.
We raced back to the room but he was gone by the time we returned. I think about Daddy all the time in many different contexts, I miss him but I am so thankful for him that he is with Jesus, his savior, his salvation…the one that he served with all his heart for almost all of his life (since he was four years old.)
I have received several letters and notes of remembrances of Dad. The way he ministered to people, the way he loved people, his integrity and his skills as a fix-it person. These letters are priceless memories and I hope to compile them in a manner for all the family to be able to enjoy and benefit from.
I have been falling asleep for the past several minutes as I write this Hopefully, it will make sense.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I mentioned in the post I wrote the night before Dad passed away that the doctor had mentioned that Dad would probably have another 3 to 5 days. He indicated that he was a robust man and was very hydrated. Earlier, in February, when I first started to get help in at the house, one of the things that the nurse had been concerned about was that Dad was somewhat dehydrated. It was very difficult to get Dad to drink enough. Another thing that had concerned me was that he seemed to be a little blue around his lips, which could mean that he wasn’t getting enough oxygen. I mention this because the night before he passed away he was more hydrated and had a higher oxygen level than had been normal for a while. We had prayed earlier that God would have mercy on Dad and not allow him to linger long and suffer. We had also specifically prayed for peace. That last night, before crawling into the roll-away-bed in his room I laid my head on his chest and cried. I told him many things but one thing I said was that he was not going to get better here…that the only way he was going to get better was with Jesus. Dad was a very strong and determined individual and if he had any thought that he would get better he would fight to stay. I know that God is sovereign and that His timing is perfect but I do believe that he uses each of us in His own way to fulfill His purposes and his plans.
I slept quite soundly during the night and yet I dreamed a lot. The nurse that came on duty at 11:00 pm never seemed to come in and yet I found out in the morning that they tried to be very quiet when they came in during the night because I was sleeping so well. I was agitated in the morning because I never once saw the nurse to talk with her and felt as if Dad was being neglected. I had a couple of hours with Dad in the morning before any other family member arrived. I sang through every song that Rosie had printed the words to and we had sung as a family on Sunday morning. Then I read scripture to him from his Bible and read from a devotional book we had in the room after which I stood up to talk to him. Dad had been pretty unresponsive and not moving his eyes to make eye contact for maybe about 24 hours. At that moment, when I began to talk with him, his eyes shifted and he made eye contact with me for several minutes. I know that he heard the things that I was saying to him and was trying to respond.
Mom called a short while later and said that she was ready to come and see Dad. We made arrangements for Sherri to go pick her up and bring her to the Hospice facility. Meanwhile, the nurse we had for the day shift had come in and assessed Dad. Her feeling was that we were in the hours to days time frame regarding his dying. Early in the morning Dad had spiked a fever of almost 103. His breathing was getting shallower and more quiet. Mom arrived as did many other family members. Sherri brought Mom, Marcia & Isaiah. Nila and I were in the room along with Rosie, Jim and Amber. Sam was coming to eat lunch at Hospice with us. When Mom arrived, she talked to Dad and he did the same thing that he had done with me…he moved his eyes and made eye contact with her. She told him that she loved him and he responded with a grunt which I am SURE was him telling her that he loved her too. A little while later we decided that many of us were hungry and we began to figure out what we were going to do for lunch. Sherri and Mom decided to stay in the room while the rest of us went to the cafeteria to get lunch. We kissed Dad goodbye before we left the room. We had just sat down and begun to eat our lunch when Sherri called my cell phone and said to come quickly.
We raced back to the room but he was gone by the time we returned. I think about Daddy all the time in many different contexts, I miss him but I am so thankful for him that he is with Jesus, his savior, his salvation…the one that he served with all his heart for almost all of his life (since he was four years old.)
I have received several letters and notes of remembrances of Dad. The way he ministered to people, the way he loved people, his integrity and his skills as a fix-it person. These letters are priceless memories and I hope to compile them in a manner for all the family to be able to enjoy and benefit from.
I have been falling asleep for the past several minutes as I write this Hopefully, it will make sense.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Silence on the blog
I have been silent on this blog since Dad's departure from this world. There has been a lot going on; company, helping Mom through this time, home responsibilities and emotions to work through. I am ready to write again and put down on paper the things that my heart is going through except that I am too tired right now. I will rest and then begin to update this blog tomorrow.
Final date for H. John Blann's celebration of a life well lived
We have finalized the plans for Dad's celebration. It will take place on Saturday, November 28, 2009 in Orange Park/Middleburg, FL. The actual location of the gathering and time is TBA (to be announced) at such a time as when I know. :) But, understandably so, the date must be set for those to plan who may wish to be in attendance at this family affair. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. If I have the answer, I will share it with you, if I don't, we'll figure it out together. :)
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Change of plans
First of all, please think about forgiving me for this in advance...I have been under duress lately (duh)!! :)
I guess I jumped the gun with making a decision too soon. You know what they say about making decisions while under stress? We wanted to plan something for the family as a celebration of Grandpa's life and picked the date in August. As we began to think about it and what was most appropriate for all and for me and for Grandma, it seems to be much more wise to wait and have our celebration at Thanksgiving. It has worked well for us as a time to gather many times over the years. It will give Grandma some time to emotionally get back on her feet and back into her daily routine and it will give me some time to rest and recuperate from the stress of these past weeks.
I guess I jumped the gun with making a decision too soon. You know what they say about making decisions while under stress? We wanted to plan something for the family as a celebration of Grandpa's life and picked the date in August. As we began to think about it and what was most appropriate for all and for me and for Grandma, it seems to be much more wise to wait and have our celebration at Thanksgiving. It has worked well for us as a time to gather many times over the years. It will give Grandma some time to emotionally get back on her feet and back into her daily routine and it will give me some time to rest and recuperate from the stress of these past weeks.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
H. John Blann 1920-2009
Please go to our son-in-love's blog at the link I have placed below. It is his blog. The link will take you directly to the page of his beautiful tribute to our Dad, Uncle, Grandpa and friend. I'll post more later regarding the wonderful, God-ordained events of this day of my Dad's homegoing.
http://davidstaples.blogspot.com/2009/07/h-john-blann-1920-2009.html
http://davidstaples.blogspot.com/2009/07/h-john-blann-1920-2009.html
Meeting Jesus!!!
Daddy PEACEFULLY went to be with Jesus at about 1:30PM. I will write more about the events of the day later but it has been amazing how God has orchestrated so many details in this process. Mom is at peace knowing that Dad is no longer suffering. Love to all and thanks for the many prayers.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Waiting...still
Today has been a bit of a roller coaster emotionally. We thought we were losing Dad this morning. He had some of the signs. We gathered together. We hung out together in the room. This afternoon his breathing seemed to be more labored than ever and many breaks in breathing. Tonight his blood pressure is 130/86 and he is breathing at a more steady rate but very shallow. The doctor doesn't feel like his passing is imminent but maybe within the next 3 to 5 days. He also commented that God had an annoying ability...He has veto power. :) The doctor is a believer and was fun to talk to as well. He gave some good counsel and was excited to hear about Daddy's life and the heritage we all have. The doctor strongly suggested that only one person stay here a night to give everyone else a chance to sleep and stay well. We are going to rotate. Tonight is my night and I am going to go to sleep soon as I only slept about 3 hours last night. Got my toothbrush and retainer. What more could I ask??
Rough Night
***I have been asked if I could share some pictures to help those who can't be here feel a little more like they are here. The pictures with Sam sitting by Dad are from Monday. Sherri is Sunday and Mom, Rich & Dad is from Saturday.***
This has been the toughest night so far. Nila and I were begging God to take Daddy home and we sat beside him while he struggled to breath. He held our hands so tightly that his nails almost penetrated the skin on my fingers and Nila's fingers felt like they were breaking. It's astounding how strong he still is. He was more agitated as his lungs have been filling with fluid. He's had several breathing treatments today and tonight they increased the amount of morphine they have been giving him to try and ease his pain. Today was the first day that we have seen this much pain. We had a really rough stretch and Rosie and Jim came back and are here at the Hospice facility with Nila and me. This is the first night that we have stayed the night with him. We just couldn't leave this time as it is the first time that he was like this. The other nights, after his medication, he seemed to rest well. The whole day was rougher than before. It is 25 minutes after midnight at this moment and he is finally asleep and resting relatively well, considering.
After Rosie and Jim came into the room and Jim saw Dad struggling so hard to breath and having the panic that comes with feeling like you can't breath, he left the room in tears. But his tears were more from anger than sadness at that point. He told me that he had enough anger for 12 people at that point. Here was a man who had spent his life serving God and why did he have to suffer like this?! He went into the chapel and all of a sudden he saw in his mind, Jesus on the cross. He felt God showing him how much Jesus had suffered...for him...for all of us! Jim: "For the first time I really, really got it -- how Jesus suffered for ME! We look at Dad suffering there in the bed but he is suffering without nails in his hands and a spear in his side." (written with Jim's permission)
The nurse came in a little while ago and gave Dad some more meds to make him comfortable. I had asked her on Saturday what the signs were that indicated that the end was really near. She told me then that he didn't have any of the signs and I didn't push her for more info at that time. When she came in this time she reminded me of that question and told me that the breathing tonight was one big indicator. He had a fever that just came up. That was another sign. His eyes were another and then the fact that she moistened his mouth and he didn't respond at all was another. Every other time that we have done anything with his mouth he has reacted strongly. This time, there was no reaction.
Earlier, when he was struggling so hard to breath and after Rosie and Jim had come back, the four of us were softly singing around the bed as we held his hands and loving on his head. As we sang "It is Well with my soul" he obviously was trying to sing with us...it was just a guttural hum but he was definitely communicating his heart at that moment!
It was made so clear to me tonight that I can't fix everything -- as if I thought I could. It tears your heart out when you sit beside a loved one in pain, struggling to breath, fighting panic and fear and there isn't a single thing you can do to fix it. I sat there and sobbed as I begged God for a miracle for Dad and "Lord, I want it NOW!" I have been Mom and Dad's caretaker for eight years. I'm sort of used to taking care of them...meeting all the needs I possible can. This is totally out of my hands. I am completely helpless to change this situation. I may have said this before...don't remember, don't have time to check it out..but a couple of weeks ago when I was talking to God and wondering why Dad had to suffer the dementia and loss of physical ability, it was as if the Lord said to me, "it's not about your Dad, it's about you!" Dad was still here because God still had things to teach me and others by him still being here. I pray I learn those things well!
Rosie is asleep on the recliner, Nila just dozed off on the cot they gave us and I am sitting with my feet up in the window seat. The fold-out armchair awaits me when I get sleepy. I think the cup of coffee I had about an hour ago is still hyping me up.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Sunday's activities
Last night I got in bed and set up my computer on my lap to update the blog before I went to sleep. Guess what? I went to sleep anyway. So I apologize to those family members who were waiting to hear about our day with Grandpa. I was going to say Dad/Grandpa but I remembered that all who call him Dad were here. :) That was the most wonderful thing about yesterday. Rosie and Jim had left Indiana on Saturday evening following a wedding that Jim participated in. They had planned to stop to sleep and come in sometime on Sunday. Richard had arrived in Florida on Wednesday night and Paul and JoAnne made last minute plans and arrived here on Saturday evening. Nila came Thursday morning. We picked Grandma up at the nursing home and we all spent most of the day at the Hospice facility with Grandpa. B.J. had gone over to visit Grandpa and was there when we arrived. One of the things that we had wanted to do was sing for Grandpa together as a family as we had done so often in our younger years. Rosie had printed out the words to several favorite songs and brought them with her. Grandma had a collection of hymnals (I have teased her and accused her of stealing them from the churches) and I found the ones that had a song in it that we used to sing as a family. We must have sung about 10 songs in between tears and laughter. B.J. started to sing with us and she said as soon as she heard us she stopped singing. She said "Wow! I never knew you could sing like that. You sound like a regular quartet!" She said we could be another Jackson Five. :) It sure was fun to sing like that together again. It's been years since that has happened with all of us together. I used to sing "Stand Up For Jesus" when I tried to get Dad to stand up here at home to go eat or get out of bed. He tried to move his body in the bed in a similar fashion. During another song that we sang, he tried to keep a beat. It even seemed at times as if he were trying to sing with us or hum along.
I wanted add some information that I failed to give in an earlier post. When I explained to you about stopping the tube feedings it may have left some questions unanswered in your minds. For me, it has been hard to think of not feeding Dad. It's very hard for me to wrap my mind around that and I try not to dwell on it. One thing that the hospice nurses have explained has been helpful to me and hopefully it will be to you as well. When a person's body begins to shut down...when they are approaching the end of their life and choose to no longer eat or cannot eat, to continue to "force" feed them battles with the normal process of shutting down and creates more pain for the person. Their body is trying to shut and and the feeding tries to "jump start" things, so to speak, and that creates the discomfort. (I explained that in strictly unprofessional, layman's term and as I understand it.)
I talked with Grandma yesterday before we went in to see Grandpa about telling Grandpa that it was okay if he wanted to go be with Jesus. I'm not sure if that was a good idea or not as she kept repeating it to him so much that at one point he sort of shook his head and mumbled "uhn, uh". I took that as he is not going anywhere just yet. :) She probably didn't remember that she had said it so many times. For those of you who have seen "Finding Nemo", we have called Grandma's repetition the Dory syndrome. :) All we have to say to each other when something like that happens is "Dory". :) For those of you who don't know, Dory, played by Ellen DeGeneres, was always forgetting what she had just said. I decided that Grandma needed an emotional break and said let's take a break and go look around this beautiful facility. We went to the chapel and sat in there and talked for awhile. I suggested that Grandma not said it anymore since we didn't want him to feel like we were booting him out the door. :) We spent enough time away from the room, change of scenery and change of mental focus and when we went back to the room awhile later things were much better and she was less emotional. Later, when the nurse came into give him some meds through his feeding tube, I suggested another emotional break. (I didn't want her to see that being done.)
Sherri came in and stayed with Grandpa while all of the rest of us went out and got lunch. Grandma was so thrilled to be spending time with all of the family. She stayed with us all until late afternoon when Sherri took her back to the nursing home to eat supper and rest for awhile. We left the Grandpa earlier than usual. We were all very tired and knew that he needed rest as there had been alot of activity that day. We picked Grandma up at the nursing home and brought her back to our house for a couple of hours to be with all of the family. It was the first time that she had been here since their move to the nursing home. I was concerned about how she would react to some of the changes that I had made in the living room. They were changes that helped me to cope with the change of them moving out. Nothing drastic but helpful to me. She made no comment as we passed through their apartment to go to my kitchen. We had to use their entrance because of the ramp. She did later ask Sherri to take her to her "office" and looked for a couple of things in her desk but it wasn't as traumatic as I feared it would be.
There have been some wonderful moments for individual family members as they visited with their Dad/Grandpa these past few days. Grandpa has patted someone on the back as they laid their head on his chest and cried while they told him how much he meant to them. One had an arm lovingly rubbed, a head patted, hands squeezed, some words clearly understood...like "proud of you", "I love you", "you are very, very special". One got an enthusiastic, "you're here!" As I talked with my Daddy on Saturday and told him how much he had meant to me and reminded him of some of the funny, teasing things he had said to me as a child, he grinned. Later that day, I spoke to him and said, "Daddy, it's Lois" and he replied, "you're not Lois". (That did not upset me, by the way.) A nurse later suggested that he may have been remembering me as a little girl and not the woman he was looking at. I liked that thought. When Richard and I were in the room alone with him on Sat. night, Dad pointed (he has been doing that alot). He said, "Do you see that little boy? Do you see that man?" We wonder if he is seeing glimpses of heaven.
Sherri told me of a dream she had the night before last. It was of Grandpa at about 30 years of age riding a bicycle. She was trying to get him to stop but he wouldn't. He was having so much fun. Later he was running and running and having fun and she couldn't get him to come back in the house. She said it was a fun dream to seem him so vibrant and alive. We decided that he was going to have so much fun running and riding again when he got his new body in heaven.
If any of you have any questions at all or want to call and talk to Grandpa on the phone (we can put the phone up to his ear), please let me know. If there is anything at all that I can do to share with you in your own grieving process I will be happy to do it. We are certainly very blessed with the wonderful heritage we share in this family! Much love to all of you!
(forgive me for any errors or typos-- I am not going to waste the time right now to edit) ;-)
I wanted add some information that I failed to give in an earlier post. When I explained to you about stopping the tube feedings it may have left some questions unanswered in your minds. For me, it has been hard to think of not feeding Dad. It's very hard for me to wrap my mind around that and I try not to dwell on it. One thing that the hospice nurses have explained has been helpful to me and hopefully it will be to you as well. When a person's body begins to shut down...when they are approaching the end of their life and choose to no longer eat or cannot eat, to continue to "force" feed them battles with the normal process of shutting down and creates more pain for the person. Their body is trying to shut and and the feeding tries to "jump start" things, so to speak, and that creates the discomfort. (I explained that in strictly unprofessional, layman's term and as I understand it.)
I talked with Grandma yesterday before we went in to see Grandpa about telling Grandpa that it was okay if he wanted to go be with Jesus. I'm not sure if that was a good idea or not as she kept repeating it to him so much that at one point he sort of shook his head and mumbled "uhn, uh". I took that as he is not going anywhere just yet. :) She probably didn't remember that she had said it so many times. For those of you who have seen "Finding Nemo", we have called Grandma's repetition the Dory syndrome. :) All we have to say to each other when something like that happens is "Dory". :) For those of you who don't know, Dory, played by Ellen DeGeneres, was always forgetting what she had just said. I decided that Grandma needed an emotional break and said let's take a break and go look around this beautiful facility. We went to the chapel and sat in there and talked for awhile. I suggested that Grandma not said it anymore since we didn't want him to feel like we were booting him out the door. :) We spent enough time away from the room, change of scenery and change of mental focus and when we went back to the room awhile later things were much better and she was less emotional. Later, when the nurse came into give him some meds through his feeding tube, I suggested another emotional break. (I didn't want her to see that being done.)
Sherri came in and stayed with Grandpa while all of the rest of us went out and got lunch. Grandma was so thrilled to be spending time with all of the family. She stayed with us all until late afternoon when Sherri took her back to the nursing home to eat supper and rest for awhile. We left the Grandpa earlier than usual. We were all very tired and knew that he needed rest as there had been alot of activity that day. We picked Grandma up at the nursing home and brought her back to our house for a couple of hours to be with all of the family. It was the first time that she had been here since their move to the nursing home. I was concerned about how she would react to some of the changes that I had made in the living room. They were changes that helped me to cope with the change of them moving out. Nothing drastic but helpful to me. She made no comment as we passed through their apartment to go to my kitchen. We had to use their entrance because of the ramp. She did later ask Sherri to take her to her "office" and looked for a couple of things in her desk but it wasn't as traumatic as I feared it would be.
There have been some wonderful moments for individual family members as they visited with their Dad/Grandpa these past few days. Grandpa has patted someone on the back as they laid their head on his chest and cried while they told him how much he meant to them. One had an arm lovingly rubbed, a head patted, hands squeezed, some words clearly understood...like "proud of you", "I love you", "you are very, very special". One got an enthusiastic, "you're here!" As I talked with my Daddy on Saturday and told him how much he had meant to me and reminded him of some of the funny, teasing things he had said to me as a child, he grinned. Later that day, I spoke to him and said, "Daddy, it's Lois" and he replied, "you're not Lois". (That did not upset me, by the way.) A nurse later suggested that he may have been remembering me as a little girl and not the woman he was looking at. I liked that thought. When Richard and I were in the room alone with him on Sat. night, Dad pointed (he has been doing that alot). He said, "Do you see that little boy? Do you see that man?" We wonder if he is seeing glimpses of heaven.
Sherri told me of a dream she had the night before last. It was of Grandpa at about 30 years of age riding a bicycle. She was trying to get him to stop but he wouldn't. He was having so much fun. Later he was running and running and having fun and she couldn't get him to come back in the house. She said it was a fun dream to seem him so vibrant and alive. We decided that he was going to have so much fun running and riding again when he got his new body in heaven.
If any of you have any questions at all or want to call and talk to Grandpa on the phone (we can put the phone up to his ear), please let me know. If there is anything at all that I can do to share with you in your own grieving process I will be happy to do it. We are certainly very blessed with the wonderful heritage we share in this family! Much love to all of you!
(forgive me for any errors or typos-- I am not going to waste the time right now to edit) ;-)
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Celebration of a life
There have been rumblings about a family reunion for a couple of months now and I am proposing a plan. Since it
seems we are about to lose Grandpa to heaven, it seems appropriate to plan a gathering to celebrate the life of this very
special man. As we have been thinking about how things are going to take place when he passes away, I have come to
the conclusion that since there will be no funeral as Grandma and Grandpa have long ago planned to be cremated to
save on costs (doesn't that sound like them) :) there is no need for a formal funeral. There will be a memorial service
here for their friends and ours in our local church family and for what ever family will be here. We thought that planning
a celebration instead of springing it on folks at the last minute will give more family members and chance to plan and be
in attendance. I know that Grandpa would like that alot as he always commented whenever any of the family gathered
together about how wonderful it was that the family got along so well -- playing and laughing together. It would be a
great way for us to remember him and share with each other what he meant to us, what he taught us and how he loved
us. We have chosen a weekend in August, Sat. the 22nd would be the actual day of celebration her in Florida. You are
welcome to plan to come ahead of time or stay after...whatever would fit into your schedules, but we will plan the actual
day/time of gathering on the 22nd. You might think, what if Grandpa is still here? No problem...then you can say your
own goodbyes and "I love you's". It's all about remember what Grandpa/Dad has meant to us over the years.
I have posted the above to our Blann Family website on MyFamily.com. I am posting it here for any extended family or friends reading this blog who know and love my Dad and who would like to share on this special day that we have planned.
seems we are about to lose Grandpa to heaven, it seems appropriate to plan a gathering to celebrate the life of this very
special man. As we have been thinking about how things are going to take place when he passes away, I have come to
the conclusion that since there will be no funeral as Grandma and Grandpa have long ago planned to be cremated to
save on costs (doesn't that sound like them) :) there is no need for a formal funeral. There will be a memorial service
here for their friends and ours in our local church family and for what ever family will be here. We thought that planning
a celebration instead of springing it on folks at the last minute will give more family members and chance to plan and be
in attendance. I know that Grandpa would like that alot as he always commented whenever any of the family gathered
together about how wonderful it was that the family got along so well -- playing and laughing together. It would be a
great way for us to remember him and share with each other what he meant to us, what he taught us and how he loved
us. We have chosen a weekend in August, Sat. the 22nd would be the actual day of celebration her in Florida. You are
welcome to plan to come ahead of time or stay after...whatever would fit into your schedules, but we will plan the actual
day/time of gathering on the 22nd. You might think, what if Grandpa is still here? No problem...then you can say your
own goodbyes and "I love you's". It's all about remember what Grandpa/Dad has meant to us over the years.
I have posted the above to our Blann Family website on MyFamily.com. I am posting it here for any extended family or friends reading this blog who know and love my Dad and who would like to share on this special day that we have planned.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Clarification
Just wanted to reassure all that Dad/Grandpa is resting comfortable. He is in no pain and hasn't had any pain meds since the middle of last night. He is resting much more peacefully and the agitation is gone that he was experiencing yesterday.
New day, new experiences
Last night when we left the Hospice facility, I called Mom and talked with her to see how she was doing. She was doing pretty good, just sitting and reading her book and relaxing. I told her that Dad was doing fine and resting well. I also told her that she could call me anytime she wanted if she needed to talk or had questions. This morning, at about 8:30, she called me in tears and asked if I could come over. I told her that I would be right there. (I needed to get dressed first as I had slept in a little trying to catch up on some lost rest.) We have a good friend from church, Julie, who lives very near to the nursing home and Mom is very comfortable with her. Julie had told me to call her anytime if she could help in anyway so I called and asked her to go be with Mom until I could get there. When I got there, I realized that she thought that Dad was already gone. She had told someone at the nursing home that he had already died. I assured her that he hadn't. I asked her if she wanted to see Dad and she told me that she didn't and couldn't. It was too upsetting for her. She seems to have said her goodbyes and is ready to grieve and move forward in her grieving. While I was there, I got a phone call from the social worker at Hospice through Nila. She had some paperwork to go over with me and wondered when I could meet with her. I had a moment of feeling like "I can't be in both places at once" and I got a defensive feeling like I had to explain that I wasn't neglecting my Dad. Just a moment of totally being overwhelmed. But I got over it and ended up having a wonderful afternoon sitting with Daddy.
Today has been an amazing day with Dad. When I got here, Nila told me that Dad had been more alert than ever and that he had been asking for me. The time that I spent with him this afternoon has been a gift! It was like I had been given a window into my Dad. It wasn't constant but consistent. He told me he loved me in response to my "I love you." I asked if he like the music I was playing for him on the CD and he said "it's relaxing". He responded to my questions of the volume...too loud or too soft. Just a little while ago Rich and I were talking with him and he smiled and said "you're gonna pay for it". I have no idea what I'm going to pay for but it was a fun time of teasing.
Sherri and her family came in to see Dad and when he saw Sherri he reached his hand out to her and gave her a big smile. He responded positively to all of the kids and Mark. Mark had his alone time with Grandpa while he read Psalm 119 to him. He asked Dad if he could and he responded affirmatively. When Sherri hugged him goodbye he told her that she was very, very special. (She got a very, very and thinks she's number one now.) :) :) He told her earlier that he loved her.
Rich came in a little while ago and Dad reached for him as Rich sat on the edge of his bed and just rubbed Rich's arm lovingly. He said several different tiny comments that we could understand. It's just been such a gift to have had this time with him. Such a real gift.
Dad reaches quite a bit for things that we cannot see. A little while ago he asked us if we saw the little boy and then a man. When we try to understand what he is saying to us and don't get it, he's sort of laughs a frustrated laugh. For those of you who may not be aware, this is a very normal part of the process. At one point this afternoon he woke and was looking around and I went to him and said "Hi, Daddy. It's Lois." He said, "you're not Lois." I said "who am I? Eva?" He shook his head no. Maybe he was seeing someone else waiting for him in Heaven.
Paul and JoAnne are on their way here now with Sam. Sam just picked them up at the airport. Dad is resting now and I hope that he will be aware of them when they arrive and that they will experience some moments of Dad's blessing as we have had.
Today has been an amazing day with Dad. When I got here, Nila told me that Dad had been more alert than ever and that he had been asking for me. The time that I spent with him this afternoon has been a gift! It was like I had been given a window into my Dad. It wasn't constant but consistent. He told me he loved me in response to my "I love you." I asked if he like the music I was playing for him on the CD and he said "it's relaxing". He responded to my questions of the volume...too loud or too soft. Just a little while ago Rich and I were talking with him and he smiled and said "you're gonna pay for it". I have no idea what I'm going to pay for but it was a fun time of teasing.
Sherri and her family came in to see Dad and when he saw Sherri he reached his hand out to her and gave her a big smile. He responded positively to all of the kids and Mark. Mark had his alone time with Grandpa while he read Psalm 119 to him. He asked Dad if he could and he responded affirmatively. When Sherri hugged him goodbye he told her that she was very, very special. (She got a very, very and thinks she's number one now.) :) :) He told her earlier that he loved her.
Rich came in a little while ago and Dad reached for him as Rich sat on the edge of his bed and just rubbed Rich's arm lovingly. He said several different tiny comments that we could understand. It's just been such a gift to have had this time with him. Such a real gift.
Dad reaches quite a bit for things that we cannot see. A little while ago he asked us if we saw the little boy and then a man. When we try to understand what he is saying to us and don't get it, he's sort of laughs a frustrated laugh. For those of you who may not be aware, this is a very normal part of the process. At one point this afternoon he woke and was looking around and I went to him and said "Hi, Daddy. It's Lois." He said, "you're not Lois." I said "who am I? Eva?" He shook his head no. Maybe he was seeing someone else waiting for him in Heaven.
Paul and JoAnne are on their way here now with Sam. Sam just picked them up at the airport. Dad is resting now and I hope that he will be aware of them when they arrive and that they will experience some moments of Dad's blessing as we have had.
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