I’m back! It’s been a week and a half since Daddy went to be with Jesus. I have been silent since then…unable to write. Many times I have wanted to sit down and share the circumstances of the day that he passed away but I just couldn’t do it. Whether I was too tired, too emotionally overwrought or too numb…I don’t know. I just know I couldn’t do it. It feels much longer than a week and a half – like Dad has been gone much longer. One of the booklets that I read about grief that I picked up from the funeral home said that even when our parent who passes is old and has dementia, we are saying goodbye to the Mom or Dad of our youth. It certainly is a bit of a phenomenon of sorts. As I was saying goodbye in the last days, I was saying goodbye to my “Daddy”. Remembering special times as a child with my Dad…the nights that I would wake up crying because I had dreamed that my Dad had left to go to an outstation in Africa without me. (I have memories of him taking me with him and was very jealous when my “little” brother was old enough to go along also.) Another memory was of how my Dad called me his “little Lotus blossom”. My brothers would sometimes call me “locust” instead of Lois to tease me but my Dad would always correct them and call me Lotus. These and other things I recalled with my Dad as he lay on his bed the last days of his life. Some of the things that I would recall brought a small smile to Dad’s face even when he wasn’t able to communicate. He heard me and was remembering with me.
I mentioned in the post I wrote the night before Dad passed away that the doctor had mentioned that Dad would probably have another 3 to 5 days. He indicated that he was a robust man and was very hydrated. Earlier, in February, when I first started to get help in at the house, one of the things that the nurse had been concerned about was that Dad was somewhat dehydrated. It was very difficult to get Dad to drink enough. Another thing that had concerned me was that he seemed to be a little blue around his lips, which could mean that he wasn’t getting enough oxygen. I mention this because the night before he passed away he was more hydrated and had a higher oxygen level than had been normal for a while. We had prayed earlier that God would have mercy on Dad and not allow him to linger long and suffer. We had also specifically prayed for peace. That last night, before crawling into the roll-away-bed in his room I laid my head on his chest and cried. I told him many things but one thing I said was that he was not going to get better here…that the only way he was going to get better was with Jesus. Dad was a very strong and determined individual and if he had any thought that he would get better he would fight to stay. I know that God is sovereign and that His timing is perfect but I do believe that he uses each of us in His own way to fulfill His purposes and his plans.
I slept quite soundly during the night and yet I dreamed a lot. The nurse that came on duty at 11:00 pm never seemed to come in and yet I found out in the morning that they tried to be very quiet when they came in during the night because I was sleeping so well. I was agitated in the morning because I never once saw the nurse to talk with her and felt as if Dad was being neglected. I had a couple of hours with Dad in the morning before any other family member arrived. I sang through every song that Rosie had printed the words to and we had sung as a family on Sunday morning. Then I read scripture to him from his Bible and read from a devotional book we had in the room after which I stood up to talk to him. Dad had been pretty unresponsive and not moving his eyes to make eye contact for maybe about 24 hours. At that moment, when I began to talk with him, his eyes shifted and he made eye contact with me for several minutes. I know that he heard the things that I was saying to him and was trying to respond.
Mom called a short while later and said that she was ready to come and see Dad. We made arrangements for Sherri to go pick her up and bring her to the Hospice facility. Meanwhile, the nurse we had for the day shift had come in and assessed Dad. Her feeling was that we were in the hours to days time frame regarding his dying. Early in the morning Dad had spiked a fever of almost 103. His breathing was getting shallower and more quiet. Mom arrived as did many other family members. Sherri brought Mom, Marcia & Isaiah. Nila and I were in the room along with Rosie, Jim and Amber. Sam was coming to eat lunch at Hospice with us. When Mom arrived, she talked to Dad and he did the same thing that he had done with me…he moved his eyes and made eye contact with her. She told him that she loved him and he responded with a grunt which I am SURE was him telling her that he loved her too. A little while later we decided that many of us were hungry and we began to figure out what we were going to do for lunch. Sherri and Mom decided to stay in the room while the rest of us went to the cafeteria to get lunch. We kissed Dad goodbye before we left the room. We had just sat down and begun to eat our lunch when Sherri called my cell phone and said to come quickly.
We raced back to the room but he was gone by the time we returned. I think about Daddy all the time in many different contexts, I miss him but I am so thankful for him that he is with Jesus, his savior, his salvation…the one that he served with all his heart for almost all of his life (since he was four years old.)
I have received several letters and notes of remembrances of Dad. The way he ministered to people, the way he loved people, his integrity and his skills as a fix-it person. These letters are priceless memories and I hope to compile them in a manner for all the family to be able to enjoy and benefit from.
I have been falling asleep for the past several minutes as I write this Hopefully, it will make sense.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
No comments:
Post a Comment