Rough Night

***I have been asked if I could share some pictures to help those who can't be here feel a little more like they are here. The pictures with Sam sitting by Dad are from Monday. Sherri is Sunday and Mom, Rich & Dad is from Saturday.***


This has been the toughest night so far. Nila and I were begging God to take Daddy home and we sat beside him while he struggled to breath. He held our hands so tightly that his nails almost penetrated the skin on my fingers and Nila's fingers felt like they were breaking. It's astounding how strong he still is. He was more agitated as his lungs have been filling with fluid. He's had several breathing treatments today and tonight they increased the amount of morphine they have been giving him to try and ease his pain. Today was the first day that we have seen this much pain. We had a really rough stretch and Rosie and Jim came back and are here at the Hospice facility with Nila and me. This is the first night that we have stayed the night with him. We just couldn't leave this time as it is the first time that he was like this. The other nights, after his medication, he seemed to rest well. The whole day was rougher than before. It is 25 minutes after midnight at this moment and he is finally asleep and resting relatively well, considering.

After Rosie and Jim came into the room and Jim saw Dad struggling so hard to breath and having the panic that comes with feeling like you can't breath, he left the room in tears. But his tears were more from anger than sadness at that point. He told me that he had enough anger for 12 people at that point. Here was a man who had spent his life serving God and why did he have to suffer like this?! He went into the chapel and all of a sudden he saw in his mind, Jesus on the cross. He felt God showing him how much Jesus had suffered...for him...for all of us! Jim: "For the first time I really, really got it -- how Jesus suffered for ME! We look at Dad suffering there in the bed but he is suffering without nails in his hands and a spear in his side." (written with Jim's permission)

The nurse came in a little while ago and gave Dad some more meds to make him comfortable. I had asked her on Saturday what the signs were that indicated that the end was really near. She told me then that he didn't have any of the signs and I didn't push her for more info at that time. When she came in this time she reminded me of that question and told me that the breathing tonight was one big indicator. He had a fever that just came up. That was another sign. His eyes were another and then the fact that she moistened his mouth and he didn't respond at all was another. Every other time that we have done anything with his mouth he has reacted strongly. This time, there was no reaction.

Earlier, when he was struggling so hard to breath and after Rosie and Jim had come back, the four of us were softly singing around the bed as we held his hands and loving on his head. As we sang "It is Well with my soul" he obviously was trying to sing with us...it was just a guttural hum but he was definitely communicating his heart at that moment!

It was made so clear to me tonight that I can't fix everything -- as if I thought I could. It tears your heart out when you sit beside a loved one in pain, struggling to breath, fighting panic and fear and there isn't a single thing you can do to fix it. I sat there and sobbed as I begged God for a miracle for Dad and "Lord, I want it NOW!" I have been Mom and Dad's caretaker for eight years. I'm sort of used to taking care of them...meeting all the needs I possible can. This is totally out of my hands. I am completely helpless to change this situation. I may have said this before...don't remember, don't have time to check it out..but a couple of weeks ago when I was talking to God and wondering why Dad had to suffer the dementia and loss of physical ability, it was as if the Lord said to me, "it's not about your Dad, it's about you!" Dad was still here because God still had things to teach me and others by him still being here. I pray I learn those things well!

Rosie is asleep on the recliner, Nila just dozed off on the cot they gave us and I am sitting with my feet up in the window seat. The fold-out armchair awaits me when I get sleepy. I think the cup of coffee I had about an hour ago is still hyping me up.