The long goodbye

I am so sad tonight. Today I left Mom at the nursing home after a visit and was filled with so many emotions. The main one I recognized was guilt. Guilt is a close friend of mine…I know it quite well. The dictionary on my computer gives one definition of guilt as “a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation”. That’s it! That’s what has been plaguing me.

Mom has roommate issues again. Add to that the grieving that takes place because of the loss of her beloved husband…add to THAT the dementia that is taking more and more of her mind and we have a confused and troubled person. Enter, stage right, the daughter who has a built in desire to fix everything and keep everyone she loves, happy. This daughter has entered a stage that she cannot fix, cannot change and she is still also working through the loss of HER beloved Daddy.

Earlier this evening I made a phone call. The dear person on the other end of the line listened a lot and then helped me to focus on some things. During the course of the conversation I realized again that a lot of my problem is that I am grieving deeply the loss of my mother as well as my Dad. Many months ago, as I watched Dad decline so greatly, I realized how much that Mom had sacrificed doing a lot of things that she wanted to do because of Daddy. She would talk to me of specific things that she would enjoy doing but she wouldn’t do them because it may take her away from him or make him feel left out. I imagined all the things that we could do together when Dad passed away. (Not that I was wishing him gone, you understand, but just thinking realistically about when that time would come.) Now he’s gone and she can’t do them or has no desire to.

Back to where I began…I left Mom at the nursing home as was filled with so many emotions…

Guilt! But why? It’s not my fault that Mom’s mind is deteriorating the way it is. I didn’t do it to her! It began long before the nursing home entered the picture! The social worker at the facility where Mom lives told me yesterday that losing a spouse can plummet the dementia decline. I didn’t end Dad’s life! Yesterday when Mom was voicing her concerns about her roommate, I asked if she would like to come home for the day and hang out here. She was very excited about that. She brought her reading material and her word find book. When it was lunchtime I went and got her favorite, Chick-Fil-A. She ate very little but enjoyed a hearty bowl of ice cream! She went back to reading and a little while later was in tears. She had picked up a book on grief. She told me that she had been sure she was “on top of things”. After we talked a few minutes, she asked if I was ready to take her back. She told me that she wanted to go back because she had things to do there and it kept her mind off of things. I took her back. Others in the family have talked about how it is probably easier for her to be there than at home. Here at home, where she spent the past two years living with Daddy, are constant reminders of that fact that he is no longer here. I feel guilty, why??

There is a book entitled “The Long Goodbye”, by Patti Davis in which she talks about her father's Alzheimer disease. I was reminded tonight, during my phone conversation, of that phrase, the long goodbye. That’s where I am with Mom. I am already saying goodbye. The guilt that make me want to bring her home and try to help restore her mind is that part of me that wants to fix things. And I can’t fix things. I can’t turn back time for Mom and her mind. I can’t bring Dad back. Bringing her home won’t make her mind get better. I can’t slow down the dementia process.

It has been suggested that maybe I feel guilt because of being away on vacation when things started to go really bad for Dad. I have strongly denied that I feel any guilt in that regard. What I feel is that God gave me an incredible gift, knowing as He did, what I was getting ready to face when I got home. When we went on that vacation, I was at the bottom of my barrel of strength, energy and mental stamina. It was just enough to help me get through the next few weeks. That brings me to Mom being in the nursing home.

It has also been suggested that God gave me a gift by working things out for both of my parents to be placed together in a facility before Dad passed away. Dad’s most dire need of extra care led them there together because I wouldn’t/couldn’t separate them. Mom became used to it, made friends, got involved with activities and trusts her caregivers. Can I accept this as a gift from God and embrace it equally as well as the week He gave me before Dad died? I’m going to work on it!