A month in the life of my Mother

Warning -- This is a LONG entry! Can't cram a month into one page. :)

It’s been a month since Mom lost the man that she had been married for almost 67 years. A lot of emotional ups and downs have taken place in these past few weeks. For some reason, I have found it difficult to write about Mom and her circumstances. Most of the updates have been about Dad…what he meant to me, to family members and to friends and acquaintances. The memories have been a vital part of the healing process, especially for me. The memories have also been very helpful for sharing with Mom to facilitate her own grieving. In her state of mind at this time in her life, it has been an interesting process, to say the least, to watch and help her with the business of grieving.

I struggle as I sit here trying to put into words where we’ve been with Mom these past several weeks. Why?? In some respects, I’m thinking, I have lost both of my parents. My mother is just a shadow of the vibrant, strong, highly intelligent and wise woman that she once was. Where do I begin as I try to process the emotions and challenges I deal with?

The thing that keeps coming back to my mind is the story I was told about the last time Dad was taken to the hospital from the nursing home. We were in Pennsylvania and the decision was made between Sherri and myself by phone that Dad should be transported to the hospital. When the ambulance came to the facility to pick him up and transport him, it was time for Bingo. As they were taking Dad out, Mom was on her way to Bingo. For anyone reading this who knew my Mom in her younger years of mental clarity, this would be shocking! That she could calmly go to Bingo because this was her new “fun” routine while her husband was on his way to the hospital speaks volumes about where she is mentally at this point in her life.

During the process of Dad’s final days Mom had very little “normal” interaction with him. She was frustrated and confused by the state he was in. She would turn to us and say that he wasn’t looking at her or he wasn’t responding to her. She even made the comment at one point that there didn’t seem to be a reason to spend much time with him because he wasn’t responding to her. Consequently, we didn’t push for her to visit him but let her take the lead in telling us when she wanted to see him.

When Dad was taken to Hospice she called me that first night, when we were getting ready to leave Dad to go home for the night. She was crying and asking to see him. I had promised her that she could see him anytime that she wanted to, so Rich, Sam and I went back across town to get her and took her back to see him. That was the first time that she had seemed to really get it that things were not good. Even though we had talked about the process, (I had talked to her before we told the Dr. that we needed to comply with his issues and stop tube feeding), she didn’t remember the details and had confused ideas about what was going on.

On the day that Dad passed away, Mom was the most lucid that she had been in awhile. She was calm, sweet and loving in her interaction with him. But afterwards she said, “why is his mouth still open?” I told her that he was singing with the angels and couldn’t close it. She seemed to take that explanation just as a child would and was content with that answer.

Mom spent the rest of the day (Friday) with us at the house…sometimes crying but just enjoying being with the family. She was ready to go back to her room for the night after we finished supper. It was really tough knowing what to do for her and thinking of her being alone in her room. We made the decision that it would be too confusing if we were to bring her home to sleep for the night and could conceivably create problems. I told her that she could call me any time and that I didn’t want her to be lonely and by herself when she was sad. She spent Saturday and Sunday afternoons at the house with us. Sunday afternoon was the memorial service at the church. She really didn’t seem to grasp what was happening. At the end of the service she asked if she could say something and Pastor David gave her the microphone. She told the audience that they had a great pastor and worship pastor and that they visited her. While sweet, it was not a normal response for a grieving widow. Two days later she told the staff at the nursing home that she was fine now…she was on top of things and ready to help other people. Again, while a nice thing in theory, not normal. Her husband hadn’t been gone a week and she was ready to move on.

We had some concerns for her on one hand but on the other hand, it seemed that her dementia was a gift. Never thought I would be thankful for dementia! It seemed to be softening the blow of the loss of her dear husband. Later, as many cards and letters came in…stories of memories that people had of Dad… she would cry as she heard them. One day she told me that she had been awake during the night crying, thinking of Dad. All of this encouraged my heart as I felt like she was finally able to recognize the loss and begin to grieve in a healthy manner. When she cries, though, she apologizes like it is something bad and we remind her always that this is a normal part of things and it’s just fine to cry.

Mom wanted all of Dad’s clothes out of the room quickly and packed them up herself because Rosie and I didn’t do it fast enough. She wanted his name off the door…it made her cry. She wanted the sign on his closet that reminded the staff to use his suspenders removed right away. She wanted all memories of him out of the room! She said it was too hard to deal with. The facility sent a staff psychologist into chat with her. He told her he was there to help her with the loss of her husband. She told me that she wasn’t very impressed with this minister that came in to visit with her. “He didn’t know Daddy and I didn’t want to talk to him about him!” she said.

Many of the staff had fallen love with them and were very protective of Mom. They would let me know if they thought that she needed me or was too sad. They facility had planned to leave Mom alone in the room as long as they could but they told me about a week after Dad died that they would be needing to the space and would be needing to move someone in. They moved a resident in who was quite mobile and verbal. On first meeting one would think that there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. She is a very sweet lady. Mom introduced me to her several times and Marie was just as glad to meet me each time as if it had been the first. The problem with this arrangement was that sweet little Marie was a tag along. She followed Mom everywhere and Mom just about went crazy. She was crying and upset and I asked for a change to be made. Her next roommate was a lady who had had a stroke and couldn’t speak. Her mind seems to be quite clear and she is pretty mobile and is up and about and out of the room quite a bit. But to communicate, she must write it down on a pad of paper if gestures don’t work. This time it was Hazel who wasn’t happy with the arrangement… mostly because she liked the setup of her previous room. Mom wasn’t very happy either, though, because Hazel had her TV on all the time. It wasn’t anything that Mom wouldn’t watch but it was the fact that there was noise most of the time. Before the staff could work on any changes, Hazel’s son showed up out of nowhere and decided to take her home. Up until this time, Hazel had told the staff that her children didn’t want her around. This son said that he would take her to Arizona where her daughter lived. It wasn’t much more than a week that Hazel was back in the room with Mom. She wrote a note to Mom on her note pad that her kids didn’t want her. He brought her back with no belongings. This time, Mom seemed able to connect that Hazel had nothing and she was rich in love. They seemed to be coexisting quite well but when I asked the administration about it they said that Hazel still wanted to go back to her old room. It’s been a week and they are still together and Hazel seems to hanging in there okay. She seems to like the fact that I will fight for her as well as for Mom and has asked me to handle a situation for her. Maybe they will be able to stay together. Mom has gotten quite used to the TV being on and actually seems to be enjoying some of the things she sees. She forgets to turn on her own TV so she watches the news and game shows over Hazel’s shoulder (so to speak).

A couple of weeks ago I had encouraged Mom to play the piano in the dining room. She didn’t seem to realize that it was there for anyone to play. The staff knew that she played but she had not agreed to play for them yet. Once she tried the piano out and the people heard her, she began to get requests to play. This encouraged her and she called me one day and said the she wanted to use her money to get a piano tuner because the piano was a mess! Then she asked me for music so we got a couple of her songbooks from home. A family member of another resident heard her play and brought her a binder with music in it for Mom to have. That was such a kind gesture.

Last week Mom was asked if she would represent the facility, along with a friend of hers, in a county wide senior lady’s competition. I’m not sure what the event is actually called but many of the nursing homes are participating with two ladies from each who have interesting backgrounds. She will be taken shopping to find a formal dress and have her hair and nails done for the event. They plan to have the ladies taken to the event in a limousine. It will be held at a local church and families are encouraged to attend. I had told her about it first. Then a few days later she was officially asked by one of the staff. She didn’t remember that I had told her about it. On the afternoon of the day that the staff member asked her, I visited with her and was asking about her conversation in the morning. She didn’t remember it at all. She just remembered the staff member speaking with her but didn’t have any idea about what. One thing for sure…life can be real exciting when you have new experiences every day.

I visit with Mom every day. In the whole time that she has been in the facility there have only been a couple of days that I haven’t seen her. Keeping a schedule is not one of my strong points and I have not established a routine of visitation as Mom had done with her Mom. When Grandma was in the nursing home, Mom used to visit her every day at 2:00 on the dot. Her life was ruled by this plan. Early on, I had decided that I couldn’t and wouldn’t do this. Since Mom has always been ruled by schedules, I knew that this would be deadly for her and for me. It was hard for her at first. She wanted to know when I would be there so she could be in the room. It took awhile but she finally became comfortable with my direction. That was to go about her day and do what she wanted to do and not worry about when I would come. But I promised her that I would find her wherever she was when I got there. She also was afraid to nap at the beginning in case I would come and she would miss me. Another promise…I would never come and leave without seeing her. She has gotten so comfortable with the staff that she will now ask them for help instead of waiting for me. One day B.J. called me. She was just leaving the facility after visiting with Mom. She had spent time with her while she was in physical therapy and then when it was time for lunch she proceeded to walk with her to lunch, planning to keep her company during lunch. When they got to the door of the dining room, Mom turned to B.J. and thanked her coming to visit and have a nice day. When B.J. told me this story I laughed and told her that she had been dismissed!! B.J. heartily agreed. Mom was ready to spend time with her friends and didn’t need anyone getting in the way of that.

Mom’s friends from their Sunday School class have been wonderful! They visit frequently and had asked what they could do for her. I suggested a birdfeeder to place outside of her window along with the flowers that we had placed there. They did that and she has had such a great time watching the birds come to the feeder. One lady visited Mom at 9:00 PM. I noticed that Mom had written the lady’s name in her guest book with the time noted beside it. The next day she told me that she didn’t appreciate people coming to see her at 9:00 at night! Speaking of the guest book…she asks visitors several times during their visit to be sure and sign her guest book. If you don’t sign and she remembers, she will write your name in the guest book. She has been keeping guest books for years! The other day, Heather found Mom’s old ones and found the date of her first visit to Grandma and Grandpa’s house when she was a baby.

The most amazing thing occurred on our way back to the facility this past Sunday. We had taken her to church and then home for lunch with the family. Heather and family had been here for the week and were leaving to go home after lunch. Sherri’s family was coming for lunch as well. She was so excited to be with everyone but was ready to head back to her room about 2:30. On the way back I was telling her that next Sunday would be a quiet one because Sherri’s family wouldn’t be with us and Heather’s family would be back in Tallahassee. She told me not to worry about her because she had people. She would be fine. Amazing!

Yesterday, when I arrived at the facility to visit Mom, Shelly, the admissions director told me she had a funny story for me. During the morning Bible study time, the man who normally led it was unable to attend. A lady resident decided that she would run it. Afterwards, Mom went up to Shelly and asked who was in charge here. She said it wasn’t her but could she help with something. Mom told her that something needed to be done about this lady who got up and led the Bible study. Marie, Mom’s first roommate happened to be with her. Mom told Shelly “we are not Mormans and this lady should not be allowed to lead the study! When the normal leader cannot be there we should just dismiss and wait until the next time!” Marie piped up and said “and I’m Roman Catholic!” (Or was that Morman Catholic?) I told Shelly that I think they are finally getting to see my Mom and she agreed!

Mom seems to be very content with her place in life at this time. The staff loves her and she loves them. When we take her out she tells them that she will be back and they reply that she’d better or they will come and find her. This gives me a peace that has been difficult to come by in these past few months. And for that I am very thankful!