Movie review - The Identical

The Identical

I have been thinking about this movie since Sunday night when I saw it in a nearly empty theatre with my husband.  Someone wanted to know what I thought about it and my immediate response was simply, “I liked it.”  As I have read other reviews and thought through my own feelings and ideas regarding this movie, I would like to share a more thoughtful “review”.

The movie begins in the 1930s and spans to the 1970s and the story line is sort of like, what if Elvis had a twin brother and they were separated at birth. I was never totally onboard with the acting of the main character, Blake Rayne, playing the part of Ryan Wade, the Identical.  It was the great acting on the part of Ray Liotta, Ashley Judd, Seth Green and Joe Pantoliano that made the movie work as well as it did.  Their portrayal of deep human emotion and humor evoked the same emotions inside of me. The music was fun and entertaining.  There were several different issues thrown in without fleshing out any of it, such as Israel’s 6 day war, racial issues, (“ Daddy, it ain’t right”.  “This isn’t your fight, boy”) and being a Messianic Jew.  (“She had all her bases covered.”)  Research about the producer shows that the many nods to Israel may be due to his own personal history.  I was struck with the feeling of authenticity with the set of the early years.  For example, when Ryan was having his conversation with his preacher daddy, informing him that he had not heard the same call on his life as his daddy had heard for him, I felt like I very easily could have been looking at my long dead granddaddy’s pastor’s study.  The city street and service station in the 50’s to 60’s era kind of took my breath away but another reviewer complained that the street was too pristine.  The costume changes for Ryan and the evolution of his hair and facial hair through the years were a bit off to me…corny?  Cheesy?  Maybe it was just too much evolution in too short of a time span to be able to keep up with. It was difficult for me to buy the story that the twins never questioned why they looked so much alike and sounded alike, especially when their paths crossed at a music competition. 

After Ryan discovers who he really is he goes on a soul-searching venture of sorts.  The time frame of it seems a little a little loose and a bit confusing.  As the story resolved it left me with a good feeling of how each character worked through their pain and loss and the positive ending was not without the reality of some of the deep emotions of family life.

Ryan Wade (The Identical) and his wife Jenny were told that they would not be able to have children but during the credits, the take out photos and videos showed them celebrating Christmas (with a lit menorah on the mantle) along with his parents and two little boys, leaving one with questions.  How did the boys arrive since they were told they couldn’t have them? The photos and videos were entertaining though... well done and it felt like we were watching real family Christmas videos and I didn’t want to leave the theatre while they were still playing.

All in all, I still  really enjoyed it and if I have been thinking about it so much that I wanted to write a review, it surely had an impact on me emotionally.  I would think that is one goal of a movie-maker.  Maybe watching it a second time would help me fill in some answers to questions that I had at the end of the movie.

The Final Entry

It has been a little over a week since Mom’s body stopped working and she entered into her rest.  The day before she passed away I had an incredible experience that I am finally read to write about.  First, though, let me tell you about a sweet time I had the day before that.

I was sitting beside her bed, grieving the impending loss.  I told Mom (just as I had told Dad before he died) that I couldn’t fix this.  That only Jesus could fix it by taking her home to Himself. As I cried and shared my heart with Mom, while my head was bent close to hers, she weakly lifted her hand to touch my cheek.  She was barely able to speak at this point but the gesture was one of such love and her final act of mothering me.

Sherri (my niece) had been on vacation and had arrived home late Friday night.  She was anxious to get back to be with Grandma and said she would meet me early Saturday at the nursing home.  After catching her up to speed in the morning, I left to go home and get some things done that were in need of doing.   When I returned in the afternoon, a very dear friend went with me.  While our husbands relaxed together at our home, Kathy and I sat together with Mom.

Let me digress a moment and talk about the caregivers at Doctors Lake Healthcare.  Especially in the final month of Mom’s life we found that the schedule was such that we had some of the most loving and compassionate caregivers that one could ever hope to have.  These people were so loved by Mom that in her weakest state she would still say thank-you whenever they took care of her personal needs and would reach up to hug them.  One dear nursing assistant would tell Mom that she was “our princess, our queen.”  She told Mom that “you bless us and we love you”!

Now, back to my story.  Kathy and I left to go meet our husbands for dinner.  Mirose, the nursing assistant, said she would be watching over Mom while we were gone.  After dinner, Kathy and I returned to the nursing home to sit with Mom. Upon our return, Mirose met us in the hall and told us that she and another CNA, Marie, had bathed Mom while we were gone and had shaved her face and put lotion on her dry skin.   She said, “come see, come see!”  They had changed her sheets and had her surrounded with pillows.  We walked into the room and I cried.  What they had done was such an incredible act of love.  It made me think of a foot washing ceremony or when Jesus’ feet were anointed with the fragrant oil.  I was so moved by their compassion.

The last thing that Mom had said to anyone that day was “Hi” to Sherri in the morning.  She had not responded to anyone anymore that day.  As we sat beside her bed, I laid my head on her bedrail and prayed.  Kathy prayed beside me.  After a few minutes of prayer I stood and kissed Mom’s forehead and told her goodnight.  As I stood beside her and cried I began to feel a strange sensation in my chest – a heaviness of sorts.  I wondered if she was getting ready to pass right then.  Before long I felt as if the heaviness was grabbed away from me – if I were talking to you directly I would say that it went whoosh!  Away from my chest.

I sat down on the chair and looked at Kathy and said, “I think it’s going to be soon. She’s going home soon!”  Kathy responded that she had that same feeling.  I then told her that “I’m not supposed to be here – I’m not going to be with her when she passes”.  I felt an urgency to leave.  I told her, “it’s time to go.  We need to leave.  I think I’m done here.”  Kathy looked at me and said, “you sure”?  I said, “yes, we need to go.  I’m done here.”  The sense that I needed to leave and that I was finished in the room was palpable.

We stood up and walked to the foot of her bed.  Actually, we were leaning up against the cupboards on the wall away from her bed.  We just stood there, with tears in our eyes and looked at Mom lying there in the bed.  As I watched the bed I had an overwhelming sensation that there was no longer any space around Mom’s bed for us to stand.  We were backed up away from her bed and I had a sense that her bed was surrounded.  I looked at Kathy and said that the song “Standing on Holy Ground” came to mind at that moment.  Then I immediately remembered another song that I hadn’t heard in at least 30 years.  I said to Kathy, “You know how songs always come to my mind for situations?  Well, one I used to sing in Youth Camp just came to me.”  I cried as I said the words.                                                                                  -----The windows of heaven are open,

        The blessings are falling tonight.

        There’s joy, joy, joy in my soul,

        Since Jesus made everything right.

        I gave up my old tattered garment  (I thought of her        

    fleshly body)

        HE gave me a robe of pure white.  (a new body)

        I’m feasting on manna from heaven

        And that’s why I’m happy tonight!

It was an incredibly beautiful time.  God’s presence was so real in that room.  I knew that Mom was safe in God’s hands and I knew that He had show me that I wasn’t going to be with her when she passed away.   I felt equally as sure that I was done in that room.  We left the room and I had such an incredible sense of peace.  I slept with my phone beside me that night because I was sure that I was going to get a call during the night that Mom had passed.  Sherri and I had made plans that she would do the early shift with Mom the next morning.  I awoke Sunday morning surprised and totally confused to find that Mom was still with us.  I knew that I had felt that I was done and I didn’t understand.  It didn’t make sense.  I didn’t want to go in – I had said my goodnight and was totally at peace and I knew that God had showed me that I wouldn’t be with her when she took her last breath.  It wouldn’t make sense to anyone that thought I was done.  Now I was a mess.  I sobbed and sobbed.  I told Sam that I didn’t want to go in to the nursing home.  I was so confused.  I had not shared the story of what had happened in Mom’s room with Rosie and Jim.  Rosie’s dog had died the night before.   After praying for wisdom, I chose not to share the details of my experience with her that night.  So now it was time to tell them.  As I shared the experience, things started to make sense.  And it has made more sense as the days have passed.  I realized that I had to go in to the nursing home because it was the right thing to do.  People wouldn’t understand my absence and I still had responsibilities.  It was Sunday morning and I had planned to go to church and then go relieve Sherri at the nursing home.  Being such an emotional wreck because of my confusion and not wanting to answer questions at church I decided to stay home.  Sitting at the table mid-morning I suddenly had this urge to get to the nursing home.  Don’t take time to get a shower, just get dressed and go.  Weird.  Earlier I didn’t want to go and now I HAD to go.   (Understand that God had been leading me since urging us to come home early from our vacation.  I had prayed that He would continue to guide me so that we would know when we should be with Mom.  We had not stayed with her at night and I wanted to be sure to be with her when we needed to be.  I trusted that God would guide my spirit as He had before.)  Not knowing why I had the urgency to go, I just did it.

Almost immediately after arriving, I discovered that another dear resident had passed away a few hours earlier.  I walked out into the hall to talk to someone and ran into a nursing assistant that hugged me and told me that I shouldn’t have any regrets because I had always been there for my Mom.  She was crying because of the loss of the other patient and said that she wanted to go in to see my Mom but didn’t want to go in without me.  She grabbed tight to my hand and we walked into the room together. 

It struck me that I was totally disconnected from Mom.  I was totally at peace and had no need to go near her bed or to touch her.   Sherri and I sat in the room together for a few hours but I was not near her head or close to her at all.   I had no need to kiss her or touch her.   I had a total disconnect all day.  I kept taking walks and visiting with staff and residents throughout the day.  I still knew that I wasn’t going to be in the room when she passed away so I wanted to give her a chance to go by being out of the room.  Sherri left sometime in the middle of the afternoon and vacated the comfy recliner that she had been sitting in.  Sitting in the recliner put one close to Mom’s head.  This had been my seat of choice in the days leading up to this day.  I wanted the comfy seat but I couldn’t sit in it where it was.  I slid it all the way up away from the bed to the corner by her wardrobe – as far away as I could get it from the bed!  For me, there was an invisible barrier.  I couldn’t be physically close to her anymore. 

About an hour later the Hospice nurse came to check on her.  Given the changes that had taken place, she told me that it wouldn’t be much longer now.  We had a great time visiting together.  She left and I texted the family that it wouldn’t be much longer.  Rosie came to the nursing home and I decided to go home to get supper since I hadn’t had lunch.  Upon my arrival at home I decided that I needed to get the shower that I had missed in the morning.  After showering, I ate my supper and headed back to the nursing home.  I called my brother on the way back and talked to him the entire drive and in the parking lot at the nursing home.  Sherri had returned to the nursing home before me having finished supper first.  (Remember, I got a shower and it took longer.)  I was sitting in the parking lot on the phone with Rich when Sherri called me.  I switched over to her and she asked where I was and I told her.  She said, “Come inside”.  Mom had just taken her last breath.  I was right where I needed to be.  Just outside the door, ready to go inside and finish my responsibilities.  My gift had been the night before.  Sherri’s gift had been to be with Mom when she drew her final breaths.  Sherri had also been with my Dad, her Grandpa, and I had been down the hall at the Hospice facility.  She said later, “I feel guilty that I was the one with her.”  I could assure her, without a doubt, that she had no reason to feel guilty.  God had given me my special spiritual encounter the night before and hers had been with Grandma tonight.  I had struggled with wondering why God had not allowed me to be with Dad when he passed away, all the time knowing that God ways are better than our ways.  But this time, I knew beforehand that I wouldn’t be there and I knew that it was God’s plan and I had such an incredible peace.  If I hadn’t taken that shower, I would have been back and mostly likely in the room.   This was one more time that I knew God had been directing my path to have me where He wanted me.

After sharing the story of my experience a few times and after a few days to ponder I have come to an understanding of what took place in Mom’s room that night.  I believe with all my heart that God took my cloak of responsibility from me at the moment that the heaviness went whoosh!  My job was done – I had no more to do there and Mom was totally in God’s hands – the rest of the work was entirely His.  There was nothing more for me to do for her. The peace He gave me that day has carried me through.  Yes, at times the sadness overwhelms.  There are times that it just doesn’t seem possible that I won’t see Mom anymore on this earth.  But the fact remains… God has given me a peace that passes understanding.  My Dad often closed his prayers asking God to help us live in such a way that we would have His smile of approval upon us.   I feel His smile of approval in my heart.  And for that I am so deeply thankful.  Peace, peace, wonderful peace!

Progress report and observations

Ps. 139:15-16  (ESV)

My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

The italics are mine in the verse.  When I read these words yesterday I was struck by their meaning.  This book of the Bible is one that is read frequently.  These particular words  have somehow been more obscure to me until now, as I watch and wait in these final days of my Mom’s life.  Before Mom’s life began, God knew about this – about what she would be facing in her final days.  What’s more, He knew about me, about how I would pray for her to be able to go see Jesus and not lay here unable to eat or drink or converse with those who love her.  Does this boggle anyone else’s mind as it does mine?  God knew the prayers of my heart, knew every second of what is happening right now, before either of us were formed!  This gives me an unexpected level of comfort and peace that I didn’t have yesterday morning.  He needed to remind me, speak to my heart and it came through this scripture. 

Saturday, the day following our return from vacation, I had a conversation with someone that threw me into a tailspin of self-doubt and confusion.  It’s “funny” how a well meaning comment can get into one’s head and go to straight to the insecure places and create such turmoil.  When I returned home on Saturday evening after a full day at the nursing home I had a discussion with the family members gathered there.  As we discussed the decisions that we have made concerning these days of Mom’s life, we hit upon an interesting thing.  In our society we are so much about preserving life from disease and injury.  There are medications for all sorts of maladies and a plethora of techniques to bring healing.  When death comes from serious disease or injury, it somehow makes more “sense”.  But, for some reason, when death approaches because of a long life and the body wears out and is tired, people seem to struggle with letting the natural process occur.  When we stop fighting to save that life, it seems as if we are giving up and not trying to help.  And this is something I found myself battling over the weekend.

Following the aforementioned conversation I found myself wondering if I was doing all I was supposed to be doing for Mom.  Sunday night I crawled into bed and my mind wouldn’t stop!  I played things over and over.  Questions raced through my brain like hamsters on a treadmill.  Finally, I got out of bed, went to the file cabinet and retrieved Mom’s advanced directive, my healthcare surrogate paperwork for her.  I read it over so much I almost had it memorized, trying to be double sure that I was following her directives put in place so many years ago.

Monday morning, as providence would have it, I ran into the facility social worker when I arrived to be with Mom.  The floodgates opened as I shared with her my concerns.  First I had her affirmations and then the affirmations of the Hospice nurse.  Later I sat in the chair next to Mom and turned on my Kindle to read.  I had read several portions of Psalms to Mom on Sunday afternoon.  I remembered that Ps. 139 had been one of Dad’s favorites so I turned to that.  There I found the amazing scripture that touched my heart in a very real way.  The reminder that God knew about all of this before either of us were ever formed.  Today, I sit in peace beside Mom with the assurance that we are doing just what we are supposed to be doing!  Sure, I may have to go back and read those verses several times to remind myself, but I know right where to look!  J

Another thing I learned while struggling with the self-doubt and questions is that death has a personality just as life does.  We walked this journey two years ago with Dad.  His journey into the arms of God was unique as is Mom’s.  You see it in how they respond to what is happening around them and the unique circumstances that have brought them to this particular point.  As I left the nursing home on Sunday night I got into my car and said to myself, “I am flying by the seat of my pants!”  One of the things that we, as a family, realized in our conversations over the weekend is that Mom must be allowed to lead this dance.  What she wants, what she refuses are her choices to make right now.  We are on a journey together.  A line from an article on the Hospice website says, “we get through by going through”.  I will continue to keep putting one foot in front of the other and praying for God’s guidance and sustaining power and by basking in the love and prayers of so many dear ones who are a precious part of my life.

The Final Stretch??

Five days ago…

I am sitting at my mother’s bedside in the nursing home.  The past few weeks have been confusing and frustrating.  There are many questions and very few answers.  For instance, why has her level of confusion advanced so quickly?  Why is she in pain?  What are the circumstances of that pain and how do we best address it?  She either can’t poop or she poops too much.  Why is she sleeping all the time?  Why does anything you put in her mouth to hydrate her cause her to grimace like you are putting bitter poison in her mouth?

Today…

When I started this blog entry Mom had been back from the hospital for two days and was dealing with her third bowel impaction in three weeks.  While she is no longer in any pain things have not improved regarding her fluid intake but have continued to be pretty much the same if not increasingly worse.  She seems to have her most energy and wake time in the morning.  The staff dresses her and takes her to the dining room and she eats and drinks a small amount but as soon as she sees a family member she asks to be taken back to her bed and there she remains until the next morning.  We offer her food and drink at lunch and dinner and she barely partakes and often just refuses saying she doesn’t want anything.

One time, while she was still in the hospital we talked about heaven a bit…talking about how she would see Daddy.  She replied that it would be wonderful because I would be there too.  My thought was that I would rather not go with her right now…I’d kind of like to hang around awhile first.  JJ    Earlier this week I told her that I wanted to talk to her about something.  I said, “you know Mom, you are 90 years old”.  She looked at me with a shocked look on her face and replied, “I AM???  I told her that she was closer to heaven than ever been before.  She struggled for a while, trying to formulate her words and finally said, “I just hope he’ll have me.”  I assumed she was talking about Jesus. We talked about the assurance she has because of her acceptance of the gift of Grace and the price that was paid at Calvary.  Even after 70 to 80 years lived for the Lord of her life she seemed to have a concern about being accepted by God.  But then again, maybe she was thinking about Dad and hoping he’d have her back because she cried and said she was thinking about him during that same conversation.  With her dementia, one can never be quite sure during some of these conversations.

Speaking of her dementia…that, too, is an enigma.  We can have a conversation that makes little sense whatsoever and then she will surprise us with remembering someone or details of some occasion that will leave us scratching our heads.  The human brain is an amazing thing!

A few months ago, we were planning our summer vacation.  We went back and forth trying to decide what we would do.  Last summer Sam and I took a ten-day road trip.  This year we decided to do something that we had done about 3 years ago…rent a cabin in the mountains of North Carolina for a week.   Tomorrow that week begins.  Woah, you say, how can you do that while your Mom may be dying?  I can tell you this, the decision was not an easy one and two days ago I was saying that there was no way that we would be going. 

Let’s back up to Monday of this week.  When I wrote the paragraph at the beginning of this post, I was desperately looking for answers as to how to best care for Mom at this point.  I prayed much for wisdom and sought wise counsel.  I had decided that if Mom was still in the same condition on Monday morning that I would ask for a Hospice consult.  I didn’t want Mom to be pushed beyond her desires if her body was truly beginning to shut down.  (I had already learned through a similar process with Dad that the human body has a way of naturally shutting down and if one is forced to eat or drink when their body is saying “no” it makes the process more painful and difficult.)  Tuesday we met with the appropriate Hospice personnel and Mom was evaluated and accepted into Hospice care.  While she remains in the facility where she has lived for the past two years, Hospice will oversee her care along with the continued care of the nursing home to provide her with comfort and dignity in what we believe to be her last weeks of her life.

Our case manager/nurse was not the same one who evaluated Mom and brought her into the program.  The next day, when the nurse who was to be our overseer came to visit with us, I told her about our vacation and how I was considering cancelling.  We had already paid a substantial deposit that was not refundable at this point, but compared to a human life, the money was unimportant.  While I was talking to the nurse it was apparent to her that I was at an emotional breaking point.  She assured me that barring any unforeseen circumstances Mom’s death was not seemingly imminent.  We agreed that none of us can know when God plans to call us home.  Her advice was that I should continue with our plan and that it was important for me to have the time to refresh and regroup.  Other staff members at the facility also encouraged us to continue with our plans for vacation.  I still didn’t have a peace about going at this point.  My niece, Sherri, who has been my sidekick in caretaking for the past 4 years, had also planned a vacation with her family that overlapped with ours.  She too has had a tough time thinking about leaving.

The following morning I was praying for guidance on the way to the nursing home when it seemed as if God was speaking to my heart.  He reminded me that I had other siblings who were just as much Mom’s children as I was and that they could help and it would give them a chance to minister to their mother if I stepped out of the way.  Since I have been doing the major share of the caretaking, I had begun to think that I was the only one who could do it well.  My younger brother, Rich, had been visiting and working in the area for a couple of weeks.  I asked him if he would be able to stay for another week to help Rosie and Jim, (my big sis and her husband) with visiting with Mom and keeping her company in shifts for the next week so we could continue with our vacation plans.  He was able to work things out so that he could stay in the area.   My older brother, Paul,  was able to fly in from Michigan last night for the weekend.  When I got home from the nursing home last night I saw a familiar car in front of our house.  A friend, who is more like a sister, had just driven in from New York.  I didn’t know that she was coming.  She had “adopted” my parents as hers over 30 years ago and my parents done the same with her.  She had a vacation planned for this week to go on a stateside mission trip and decided to come to Florida instead.  So now there are four family members who will be there, loving on Mom, for the next week as well as Paul for the weekend.  It suddenly occurred to me that they have all been given an opportunity to minister to Mom in a way that will bless them and Mom and this would not have happened if I had stayed home.  God has a divine plan for each of our lives.  He often surprises us with situations that look like complications but are really designed to help us grow and stretch and be refined in the process.

One of Mom’s nurses told me, “Go, go, you need to go and get some rest.  Your Mom will be okay.  We will take good care of her.”  She calls Mom her African Mommy.  The nurse is from Sierra Leone and her mother died there 10 years ago. (She cares for Mom as if she were her own.)  Then next day she came to me and said she had gone home that night and started thinking about what she had said.  She worried that if something happened to Mom while I was away that I would blame the nurse because of what she had said.  I assured her that I truly believed that Mom’s life was in God’s hands.  If God chose to take her home while I was away then that was His plan and I was at peace with that.

Yesterday, I told Mom about our vacation and what we were doing.  She surprised me with the response, “I remember when you did that before”.  She also told me how glad she was that we were going to be able to do it again.

So here we are, Sam and I, on our way to our mountain vacation. We will be joined by our sons, their wives and two-year old Beulah.  Sadly, due to medical school demands, Heather’s family will not be able to join us.  We are keeping in close contact with the family at home and will be getting frequent updates on what is taking place there.   Maybe Mom will surprise us all and rebound.  God only knows.  But in the meantime we will all love and care for her to the best of our abilities.

The LONG Weekend

Many comments have been made lately by the staff at the nursing home regarding the fact that Mom seems to be going to another level of dementia…sinking a little deeper into a place of confusion.  The events of yesterday surely stand as proof of that fact.  Shortly after her lunchtime she called to tell me that she was upset.  She had finished eating her lunch with her roommate and her roommate had not eaten well and someone blamed Mom for this.  Understanding how my Mom’s mind works, I was sure that whatever comment was made (from which she construed this idea) would have been in no way seriously implying that Mom was at fault.  But she took it that way and was seriously upset and tearful and needing to be loved on by her family.  Earlier in the week the decision had been made to move Mom away from her longstanding tablemate because it seemed that her tablemate’s negative comments were affecting Mom’s eating habits (or, plainly speaking, lack of eating).  Since I had been “lucky” enough to be bitten on my eyelid by some unknown creature, I was not able to immediately meet her need to be loved on in person as I had an appointment to see my eye doctor first.  (This is an important part of the story, really…you’ll see.)  Rosie and Jim were out and able to stop by to check in on her. 

After I finished up at the eye doctor I headed to the nursing home as I had promised her I would.  She was playing Bingo, a favorite pastime of the residents.  She no longer is able to play with the clarity that she did not too many months ago.  She misses  some of the numbers and also looks underneath the chips to check if she’s already placed a chip on the number just called.  But she’s still happy playing and that’s the important part.  I told her that I needed to go get my medicine for my eye.  She suggested that she could go with me and that’s what we did.  While we were out together she attempted to tell me what had happened.  The bottom line is that she is so afraid of hurting someone’s feelings that she gets emotionally caught in the middle and is easily hurt.  Understanding that Mom isn’t the only one with dementia or dealing with serious age related issues, one can see how these interactions between residents can snowball into little dramas.  It’s not a lot different from the type of drama one might find within a group of junior-high girlfriends.  I told Mom that it wasn’t her job to keep everyone happy and that the only person’s happiness she had any control over was her own.  She was quiet for a bit and then said, “You’ve given me food for thought”.

We were eating dinner last night when the phone rang.  Mom was calling again.  She said, “Do you know what’s happening tonight?” 

“Uh, no, what do you mean, what’s happening?”

 “There’s something happening tonight, do you know what it is?”  “Uh, you’re playing bingo tonight?”

 “There’s something about the moon”.

 “Oh, it’s a full moon tonight.”

 “Oh, is it really?”

“Yes, it’s a full moon.  I just went out and looked.  And you’re going to play bingo tonight.  Is that why you are calling, because it will be late when you get done?  So you can talk to me before?”

“Well, they said something was happening tonight.”

“They told you it was a full moon tonight?  It is, I just looked.”

“Well then I need to go and see if I can see it.”

Two hours later the phone rang again.  Mom was in tears.  She was trying to tell me something about it being the weekend and there would be nothing for them but food and she wouldn’t be able to see her family and there would be nothing to do and she wasn’t sure that she could handle it.  In trying to calm her down I reminded her that I had been with her, taken her out, that she had seen Rosie and Jim and that it wasn’t the weekend yet.  I reminded her also that she was with us on Sundays, etc.  She responded, “Fine, if you don’t want me, I’ll just hang up.”  I continued to talk with her to try to calm her down.  She communicated enough frustration and emotional pain that I decided I needed to go check on her.  Rosie and I left the house about 9:30 pm to head up to the nursing home.  I had some concerns from what she said that made me call the unit manager at home to ask her to check with the staff before I arrived and see what they could tell her about what might have taken place.  It was at this time that she told me something that she had not had a chance to tell me before.  Earlier in the day, Mom’s CNA had found her chewing on her hearing aid twice!  My immediate response was “WOW!”  Daddy had done the same thing within the last months of his life.  She also told me that the signs were obvious that Mom’s dementia was getting worse.

What we discovered after much sleuthing with the CNA, the nurse and Mom was interesting.  Mom had been so confused after Bingo that she couldn’t find her room, didn’t know where she belonged, didn’t recognize her pajamas as hers when the CNA prepared her for bed, (said she had never seen them before), didn’t know she had dentures in her mouth to remove, didn’t know how to help prepare herself for her shower, etc., etc. 

Still tearful about the weekend and the anxiety related to that, I struggled to get to the bottom of that.  Amazingly enough, I did!  Monday is Presidents Day.  It’s a LONG weekend.  That’s all she heard from the conversation discussing President’s Day…it’s a LONG weekend.  Somehow, from that, she got all the fears mentioned above.  I told her over and over that it was only a long weekend for students and people who work at banks and the post office.  Nothing would be different at her home there.  The activities remained the same, the staff would all be there and there would be not difference in her routine because of the LONG weekend.  How she got to that place in her mind is a mystery.  And how she manages to remember my phone number and how to call me is a mystery.  In the midst of all of the confusing conversation at her bedside last night she stopped and asked, “how is your eye?”

Go figure!!  I sure don’t understand it!   J

Sharing the Journey

Fifty-eight years ago, (wow, that sounds like a big number) there was a raging snowstorm in the areas surrounding Camden and Rome, New York.  A young man was carefully navigating the snowy roads with his wife beside him.  She was in labor and they were on the way to the hospital in Rome.  The snow was blinding but the urgency forced them on.  Rounding a bend in the road, they saw a man waving to them next to his car that had slid off the road and into the ditch.  Being the caring and gracious person that he was, that young man stopped his car.  Upon hearing that the young woman was in labor, the man in need waved them on.  He would flag someone else down.

The young couple arrived at the hospital just in time.  Their third born child was anxious to get into the world and did so in a speedy fashion.  But, alas, this story is not about that child but about the mother that bore that child 58 years ago today.  A lot can and does happen in the span of 58 years. 

That woman who so easily carried that child and birthed her so quickly; who raised four children, served as a teacher, spiritual advisor, friend, wife, choir director, librarian; who created clothing, blankets, dabbled in all sorts of crafting; who served others in a foreign land while battling various and sundry obstacles; who obtained her Masters Degree while working a full time job when her last two children were in high school…a smart, strong, capable, talented woman now lives in a world of dementia.

Dementia –

    A chronic or persistent disorder of the mental processes caused by brain disease or injury and marked by memory disorders, personality changes and impaired reasoning.

I am that daughter that was born 58 years ago.  I used to half-jokingly say to my Dad that I knew why I had been born.  So that I could take care of them when they got old.  God gave me to them and equipped me to care for them in their old age.  I wouldn’t trade this responsibility for anything but the ache in my heart is deep.  For all of us, watching this process is so difficult.

As I look back over the past few years, I can now see how several incidents were precursors to where Mom’s mind is now.  It’s a puzzling, this thing called dementia.  One can seem perfectly clear minded one minute and in the next moment loved ones are left with their heads spinning – wondering as to whom in the world this person is and what did they do with our mother!  Another puzzling thing is how a person can seem to draw upon some well of hidden resources to hide their dementia from infrequent visitors and friends.  This often leaves me looking like I’m making things up when I share the situation with someone.   Mom has been in the nursing home, living life daily with lots of people who love her and are trained to deal with this.  As we watch together the dramatic changes that have taken place over the past few months, it helps to know that the staff sees and understands what we, as a family, are experiencing.

This once sweet lady has begun to snap at people and make accusations.  She frequently indicates that she doesn’t know where she will sleep at night.  She often “misplaces” her room.  She has been reading the same book for the last year ½.  At Christmas time she expressed confusion about what it was all about.  She sometimes complains that she has no family around and says, “I don’t know where my daughter is”.  The truth is that she has more family around her right now than she had for many years of her life after her children had grown and left home.

One thing that we have all been grateful for…Mom still knows who we are.   And a couple of weeks ago, she got out her Bible, promptly found the book of Psalms and read the 23^rd Psalm in its entirety to Rosie and Jim.  It has become more normal for her to not be able to find a scripture reference and to read the same line over and over.

Thanksgiving, 2010 seemed to begin a bit of a more rapid downward spiral for Mom’s mental clarity.  More than ever, she became dependent on others for her personal care.  She became ill with an infection and her body temperature spiked dangerously high.  Rosie and I took turns sitting with her and staying close by her side.  When the fever passed, she “kicked us out”.  She’d had enough coddling, I believe, and said that we should go home.  No sooner had we left the facility than she was up and going to activities.  This was so much a part of who she has always been.  One doesn’t lie around in bed and waste the day away.  Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get to it, so to speak!  But since that episode, her mental cognizance is in question more and more, leaving me to wonder how much that fever pushed her further into the dementia abyss.

Having recognized the deterioration, the staff felt it wise to begin some cognitive therapy.  I received a phone call from the speech therapist asking for my help.  She very gently informed me that “Mrs. Blann has a very tactful way to letting me know that she doesn’t want anything to do with my help”.  Mom didn’t care to practice what day or month it was.  But the therapist noted how much Mom wanted to talk about her family.  She wisely decided to incorporate family into her therapy using a plethora of photos that we have in her room either on the wall or in photo albums.  But, even using family as therapy, her mind tires easily in an effort to bring things into focus.  She also noted that Mom seemed to be overwhelmed with the number of items on her meal tray.  Mom has been eating very little and losing some weight.  The plan was set in place to minimize the food and drink choices and simplify the tray and that seems to be helping.  She does like her ice cream, though!

She has fallen twice in the past week, seemingly just slipping to her bottom on the floor when her feet went out from under her.  Once late at night and another time during the day.  Fortunately, she was not injured other than some understandable achiness.  She was upset because she didn’t remember the first fall at all and in the process of assessment of her possible injuries, she became very agitated and tearful.  Constant assurance that she has done nothing wrong, and giving her possible reasons for her fall, help to calm those emotions.  It is so ingrained in my head to tell the truth at all times but where dementia is concerned, I strongly believe that to say what you have to bring comfort to that person.  The mind of that person isn’t rooted in reality so you play a game – you constantly play a game, of sorts – finding the things to say that calm, reassure, refocus and comfort your loved one.  You don’t insist on clarifying the facts of something they tell you unless it is in their best interest.  All you accomplish with that is to remind them that they are confused.

Because of the falls, the physical therapy staff felt that it was in Mom’s best interest to have some strengthening exercises.  When they came to do the assessment and make a plan of treatment, she refused.  Again I received a phone call asking for my help.

(As an aside, sometime back, Mom introduced me to a staff member as being the one who is in charge of her.  Oh, and I have also been introduced in the past as her mother.)  The staff has learned that if you want to accomplish a task with my Mom that they need to call me.  Such power!  I went in to talk to Mom.  Reminding her gently about her falls and indicating that I didn’t want her to have a serious fall, I explained about the staff wanting to do some special exercise to help her be more stable.  I asked if she would please do that for her family because we wanted to keep her around as long as we could.  She readily agreed.  Then the head of physical therapy arrived in her room with the therapist who would be working with her and asked her again.  She replied very positively and agreeably.  Amazing how this works!

I am so very thankful that Rosie and Jim moved to Florida in the Fall of 2010.  It has been such a help to be able to share the load with my sister.  Richard has been working in the area for the past several months and he has been able to interact with Mom much more also and she loves getting to see her “baby boy”.  Paul was able to come in November to celebrate Mom’s 90^th birthday so we have a wonderful memory of all the “kids” together with Mom on that occasion.  As we were sitting at the table eating Mom’s birthday dinner with family and friends, the doorbell rang.  We answered the door and there was a distinguished looking gentleman who walked in and introduced himself when we opened the door.  None of us knew him and me, in my “tactful”, straightforward way, laid my hand on his arm and asked, “who are you?”  I asked if he’d heard the joke about the preacher who went to the wrong church for a funeral when we realized that he had the wrong house for a function he was to be attending in our neighborhood.  I told him we were celebrating my Mom’s 90^th birthday and he walked over and shook her hand.  Poor thing, she wondered why she didn’t know who he was.   He laughed at my joke about the preacher and said there was a reason why that amused him.  He reached in his wallet to show me his clergy I.D. and then pronounced a blessing on our household and left to go to the right house for his function.  We all felt like we had experienced a divine appointment.  A reminder that God is in control, that He loves us and is with us through all of life’s struggles and battles.  And for that, I am extremely thankful!

Long rambling post about my mother and her new "love"

It’s been over 2 months since my Mom announced that she was in love. WHAT?? Sam and I walked into the dining room at the nursing home on a Saturday evening and found Mom, not at her normal table, but sitting across the room with a man. We sat with them while they ate and he told us how Mom’s smile had given him such joy and how she had made him want to fight the lung cancer that was destroying him. Something that I should have clued in on and didn’t…he said that there had been another woman that he had enjoyed spending time with and eating meals with but she had gone “home” from the facility. He missed her dreadfully and had tried to call her to keep in touch but to no avail. But, here was my Mom, smiling and friendly and ready to have a friend.

Three days later they were talking about how much they were in love and wanted to get married. They were holding hands and he was stealing kisses.

A short time after Dad passed away, I was told of this man who was coming there to live who was a retired minister. He was hoping to be able to start a Bible study there and it was thought that this might make for a good friendship as they had ministry backgrounds in common. For months they didn’t meet but now the time had come and ever since that time it has been an emotional roller coaster both for Mom and for me (and the rest of us who are close to this situation.)

At first it was both comical and sweet…this relationship seemed to bring a spring to Mom’s step and a bounce to his wheelchair and sparkles in their eyes. As a family, we thought, great, it’s good for her to have someone to share things with, to talk to and to enjoy a special friendship. Some of Mom’s physical responses to his attentiveness were appalling though, knowing Mom as I have, and realizing that if she were clear-minded, this wouldn’t be happening. It became apparent that her years of being happily married were driving her behavior – she was comfortable because this was what she was used to.

I must admit, though, that the Sunday after their first Bible study together in the nursing home, when she was relating to us about how wonderful it had been, saying, “oh, honey, I wish you could have been there to hear him! I hate to say it, but I think that he is much deeper than your Dad was” – I almost came unglued inside. Sam told me later that he knew I must have been very hurt by that comment and that I probably was biting my tongue. (He knows me so well). Although I was astounded by this comment, I also realized that this was NOT my real Mom speaking but the woman whose incredible mind had been sabotaged by dementia. She’d known this man all of about a week, maybe two when she made this “incredible” discovery of his great “depth”.

The psychologist on staff there told me that I must understand that they are like 13 year olds and I must be careful not to object to this as I would push them closer together. I said, “this is NOT my mother” and he replied, “no, she is your 13 y/o daughter”. (And I said to myself, “my 13 y/o daughter never acted like this). ☺ Therefore, I would tell her that I was glad that she had such a special friend and that having a friend was good and that there wasn’t anything wrong with friendship that meant so much. (Get the recurring “friend” word?) One day the hairdresser in the facility told me that Mom had told her that she was giving her kids a new daddy and they were just going to have to get used to it.

After a few weeks I noticed that Mom seemed very worn out all the time and the spring in her step wasn’t so springy and she seemed depressed. (I was increasingly unhappy with this relationship as there were many indications that this man was becoming quite controlling and bossy and Mom is very much one who never wants to hurt anyone’s feelings and will go along with things often to avoid that.) One day when I arrived for a visit I found the two of them walking/wheeling in the hallway and we went to Mom’s room to visit. As I tried to ask Mom questions, he kept butting in and talking and Mom never had much of a chance to say anything to me and I wanted to throttle him. He dominated the conversation and I discovered a lot of things (through his talking) that made me even more uncomfortable about this relationship. Like the fact that he had been married 4 times, two of which ended somewhat violently. Oh, did I mention that he has lung cancer from smoking for 40 years and he gave up chewing tobacco for her?

Some of the things that he was saying made Mom’s eyes pop a little but otherwise she said very little. I left that day feeling quite discouraged and frustrated and wondering what was the right thing to do. Two days later I decided to take her to lunch to get her out of the facility and somewhere that we could talk uninterrupted. While we were out I asked her what she saw in this man. I said that he was so different from Daddy. I also told her that I had noticed that she didn’t seem so happy anymore. She started to cry and told me that she had been thinking a lot about Daddy lately and that she wasn’t happy and that she felt like she was being bossed around but that she didn’t know how to get out of it. I assured her that she wasn’t alone and that if this was what she wanted, I would help her break it off, as would the staff. When we arrived back at the nursing home we stopped at the office of a staff member to talk and I asked Mom to tell her what she wanted us to do and she told her “I want help to get away from this bossy man”.

She seemed incredibly relieved and for many days their paths didn’t cross. He became very depressed and refused to go to his chemo treatments. One well-meaning staff member, who obviously wasn’t aware that they were not together, went to get Mom to see if she could convince him to go. Later that night I got a phone call from Mom to tell me that she had met someone new and that she was so very happy and was in love. I called the nursing desk to inquire as to who this new man was. She had no idea as no one had seen her talking to anyone new. That visit to his room must have reminded her of the “nice” man from the beginning of the relationship.

The next day, after doing some good sleuthing, my niece Sherri and I discovered that she had to be talking about man #1. She couldn’t tell us his name, said it wasn’t the first one, when we said his name and told us she couldn’t remember his name because she always called him honey. She told us that he was a preacher, etc., etc., and everything was what we knew about the first one. She was convinced for a couple of weeks that there were two different men…a nice spiritual one and a bossy, controlling one and she began spending time again with the nice one.

All this time I am being told, with great assurance , that Mom’s “friend” is of sound mind (as well as being 12 years younger). Therefore, we were getting concerned for her, as she is definitely not. As a family, we were concerned for her safety, the possibility of her being taken advantage of and she wouldn’t remember. We addressed those concerns with the staff and we jointly decided to place some guidelines and boundaries. We told him that she was NOT his girlfriend and they would have to be just really good friends. They could NOT kiss. At this point Mom looked up with an incredulous look on her face and said, “I don’t think that we have ever kissed” to which he responded with a shocked expression. We (the social worker and myself) told him THAT was why he couldn’t kiss her. He agreed to the boundaries because he wanted to still be able to see her. She just wanted to be able to continue to Bible studies with him and she told me that if just one person came to the Lord that would be important. I told him that she was drawn to the spiritual part of him and she wanted to be a part of that with him. The fact that we were even able to have this conversation with her in attendance testifies to the fact that she has serious clarity of mind issues.

Since that conversation we have bounced from wanting nothing to do with him to loving him and talking of marriage and being disgusted and worn out by him and back to warm regards. It has been, as I said, an emotional roller coaster both for her and for me.

I read a comment today by someone talking about the wonderful mother who raised her who is now a confused person in the grips of dementia. She spoke of how hard it was to watch and realize that this was no longer that same person who raised her. In other writings on my blog I have written of grieving for my mother. While her body is still here, her mind is often not. There are definitely times when I can enjoy her company and almost believe that she is still here. Several weeks ago I found myself, on a couple of different occasions, wanting to pick up the phone and call my Mom in Maryland to talk to her about my Mom in the nursing home. (My Mom in Maryland hasn’t been there for 8 ½ years.) A very strange experience!

On Valentine’s Day, we read to Mom love letters from Dad that he had given to her in the last years of his life. Beautiful, heartfelt, promises to love her for eternity. I’m so thankful that he is not here to see what’s happening. It would break his heart. She still loves him so much but in her confusion she is playing it out at times in her mind with another.

Last week, after having been frustrated with him, she called to tell me how in love she was and she was talking of marriage again. Knowing that her concept of time is very limited, I reminded her that Daddy hadn’t been gone that long and that it was often advised to not make any serious decisions too soon after losing someone who had been such a vital part of your life. She responded that she remembered hearing that before and it was wise counsel. By the end of the week she was trying to get away from him again by hiding in her room because she didn’t want to hear all the stuff he was telling her about himself.

I have a cousin who says quite frequently, “you gotta laugh or you’ll cry” and that is what I try to do – laugh, that is. We try to find the humor in the situation. There are many days that I feel like a red rubber ball bouncing along or maybe a ping-pong ball pinging back and forth across the net.

There are times, like right now, when I feel like I should have some sort of wonderful spiritual application in all of this and I am just not finding it. It’s like my spiritual side is hiding underneath a pile of wheelchairs, walkers and Depends. I know God is here, I know that He loves me and adores my mother. I know that He is using her as she continues to shine Jesus to the people who care for her and people she lives among. And I know that God made a way for her to be where she is as hard as it has been for me at times to rest in that. I also know that emotionally, these past few months have been quite challenging as I struggle to find my own way while I strive to protect and watch over my mother.