Musings

Heather and David and the children are here for the 4th of July weekend. Heather had a test on Thursday, after which the med students will be off for two days of school for the weekend holiday. This is the first time that their family has been here with just Sam and me. Josiah told me today while we were having some quiet time together that it is fun having me not have to do so much work because he likes being with me. Then he added that it is too bad that Grandma and Grandpa have to be in a "nursery" home though. Heather's best friend since childhood came yesterday with her daughter to spend time with Heather's family and they spent the night last night. As I was sitting with Natalie and Josiah at Mom & Dad's kitchen table while they were coloring surprises for their Mom and Grandma, Heather and Dana were playing a song on the piano that they used to play when they were teenagers. I had this moment of ...not sure quite how to describe it...awareness? Insight? I was struck with a feeling that I was actually savoring life at that moment. Enjoying the grandchildren, enjoying the grown children and I was relaxed and not feeling stressed. In the past, the piano would be stressing me, the children's loud playing and constant banter would be distracting as I was trying to concentrate on meeting the needs of my "charges"; my dear parents. Lest I be misunderstood, I would have difficult days but I honestly didn't regret the choice, ever, to be the caretaker of my Mom and Dad. I/we willingly made that choice and would do it all over again if given the chance with them. We have been blessed by memories with them that would have never been possible without this path that we chose to take. Yes, there were days that I wished that I could just be a Nana, mother, wife or friend but that didn't change the fact that I was living the life at the time that I believed God had ordained for me. It has been a honor to have this responsibility. There is a season for all things and this season had been chosen for us by God. I used to joke that I had been born to be their caretaker. :) When I was young I worked in three different nursing homes which, I believe, so prepared me for this experience. But the season is changing. That became apparent in February when the load became overwhelming. As I struggled through the fact that I no longer seemed to be able to cope well, I kept thinking of the verse that says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength". Then I would beat myself up thinking that I wasn't letting God give me the strength. Then one day it occurred to me that God only gives us the strength to do the the things that He wants us to do, not what we think we are supposed to be doing. At that moment I realized that He was telling me that it was okay now for me to move on to to the next step and that was to let others care for them for the 24/7 shift. It is now time for me to be their overseer and focus the majority of my time on other things. That has helped so much with battling guilt which I can honestly say has not been a difficult battle. God has gone before us in this whole process and made it so clear that He is in control and has a plan that I have been able to focus on the details he has worked out and be reminded constantly that He is handling things and protecting Mom and Dad.