Silence on the blog

I have been silent on this blog since Dad's departure from this world. There has been a lot going on; company, helping Mom through this time, home responsibilities and emotions to work through. I am ready to write again and put down on paper the things that my heart is going through except that I am too tired right now. I will rest and then begin to update this blog tomorrow.

Final date for H. John Blann's celebration of a life well lived

We have finalized the plans for Dad's celebration. It will take place on Saturday, November 28, 2009 in Orange Park/Middleburg, FL. The actual location of the gathering and time is TBA (to be announced) at such a time as when I know. :) But, understandably so, the date must be set for those to plan who may wish to be in attendance at this family affair. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. If I have the answer, I will share it with you, if I don't, we'll figure it out together. :)

Change of plans

First of all, please think about forgiving me for this in advance...I have been under duress lately (duh)!! :)
I guess I jumped the gun with making a decision too soon. You know what they say about making decisions while under stress? We wanted to plan something for the family as a celebration of Grandpa's life and picked the date in August. As we began to think about it and what was most appropriate for all and for me and for Grandma, it seems to be much more wise to wait and have our celebration at Thanksgiving. It has worked well for us as a time to gather many times over the years. It will give Grandma some time to emotionally get back on her feet and back into her daily routine and it will give me some time to rest and recuperate from the stress of these past weeks.

H. John Blann 1920-2009

Please go to our son-in-love's blog at the link I have placed below. It is his blog. The link will take you directly to the page of his beautiful tribute to our Dad, Uncle, Grandpa and friend. I'll post more later regarding the wonderful, God-ordained events of this day of my Dad's homegoing.

http://davidstaples.blogspot.com/2009/07/h-john-blann-1920-2009.html

Meeting Jesus!!!

Daddy PEACEFULLY went to be with Jesus at about 1:30PM. I will write more about the events of the day later but it has been amazing how God has orchestrated so many details in this process. Mom is at peace knowing that Dad is no longer suffering. Love to all and thanks for the many prayers.

Waiting...still

Today has been a bit of a roller coaster emotionally. We thought we were losing Dad this morning. He had some of the signs. We gathered together. We hung out together in the room. This afternoon his breathing seemed to be more labored than ever and many breaks in breathing. Tonight his blood pressure is 130/86 and he is breathing at a more steady rate but very shallow. The doctor doesn't feel like his passing is imminent but maybe within the next 3 to 5 days. He also commented that God had an annoying ability...He has veto power. :) The doctor is a believer and was fun to talk to as well. He gave some good counsel and was excited to hear about Daddy's life and the heritage we all have. The doctor strongly suggested that only one person stay here a night to give everyone else a chance to sleep and stay well. We are going to rotate. Tonight is my night and I am going to go to sleep soon as I only slept about 3 hours last night. Got my toothbrush and retainer. What more could I ask??

Rough Night

***I have been asked if I could share some pictures to help those who can't be here feel a little more like they are here. The pictures with Sam sitting by Dad are from Monday. Sherri is Sunday and Mom, Rich & Dad is from Saturday.***


This has been the toughest night so far. Nila and I were begging God to take Daddy home and we sat beside him while he struggled to breath. He held our hands so tightly that his nails almost penetrated the skin on my fingers and Nila's fingers felt like they were breaking. It's astounding how strong he still is. He was more agitated as his lungs have been filling with fluid. He's had several breathing treatments today and tonight they increased the amount of morphine they have been giving him to try and ease his pain. Today was the first day that we have seen this much pain. We had a really rough stretch and Rosie and Jim came back and are here at the Hospice facility with Nila and me. This is the first night that we have stayed the night with him. We just couldn't leave this time as it is the first time that he was like this. The other nights, after his medication, he seemed to rest well. The whole day was rougher than before. It is 25 minutes after midnight at this moment and he is finally asleep and resting relatively well, considering.

After Rosie and Jim came into the room and Jim saw Dad struggling so hard to breath and having the panic that comes with feeling like you can't breath, he left the room in tears. But his tears were more from anger than sadness at that point. He told me that he had enough anger for 12 people at that point. Here was a man who had spent his life serving God and why did he have to suffer like this?! He went into the chapel and all of a sudden he saw in his mind, Jesus on the cross. He felt God showing him how much Jesus had suffered...for him...for all of us! Jim: "For the first time I really, really got it -- how Jesus suffered for ME! We look at Dad suffering there in the bed but he is suffering without nails in his hands and a spear in his side." (written with Jim's permission)

The nurse came in a little while ago and gave Dad some more meds to make him comfortable. I had asked her on Saturday what the signs were that indicated that the end was really near. She told me then that he didn't have any of the signs and I didn't push her for more info at that time. When she came in this time she reminded me of that question and told me that the breathing tonight was one big indicator. He had a fever that just came up. That was another sign. His eyes were another and then the fact that she moistened his mouth and he didn't respond at all was another. Every other time that we have done anything with his mouth he has reacted strongly. This time, there was no reaction.

Earlier, when he was struggling so hard to breath and after Rosie and Jim had come back, the four of us were softly singing around the bed as we held his hands and loving on his head. As we sang "It is Well with my soul" he obviously was trying to sing with us...it was just a guttural hum but he was definitely communicating his heart at that moment!

It was made so clear to me tonight that I can't fix everything -- as if I thought I could. It tears your heart out when you sit beside a loved one in pain, struggling to breath, fighting panic and fear and there isn't a single thing you can do to fix it. I sat there and sobbed as I begged God for a miracle for Dad and "Lord, I want it NOW!" I have been Mom and Dad's caretaker for eight years. I'm sort of used to taking care of them...meeting all the needs I possible can. This is totally out of my hands. I am completely helpless to change this situation. I may have said this before...don't remember, don't have time to check it out..but a couple of weeks ago when I was talking to God and wondering why Dad had to suffer the dementia and loss of physical ability, it was as if the Lord said to me, "it's not about your Dad, it's about you!" Dad was still here because God still had things to teach me and others by him still being here. I pray I learn those things well!

Rosie is asleep on the recliner, Nila just dozed off on the cot they gave us and I am sitting with my feet up in the window seat. The fold-out armchair awaits me when I get sleepy. I think the cup of coffee I had about an hour ago is still hyping me up.

Sunday's activities

Last night I got in bed and set up my computer on my lap to update the blog before I went to sleep. Guess what? I went to sleep anyway. So I apologize to those family members who were waiting to hear about our day with Grandpa. I was going to say Dad/Grandpa but I remembered that all who call him Dad were here. :) That was the most wonderful thing about yesterday. Rosie and Jim had left Indiana on Saturday evening following a wedding that Jim participated in. They had planned to stop to sleep and come in sometime on Sunday. Richard had arrived in Florida on Wednesday night and Paul and JoAnne made last minute plans and arrived here on Saturday evening. Nila came Thursday morning. We picked Grandma up at the nursing home and we all spent most of the day at the Hospice facility with Grandpa. B.J. had gone over to visit Grandpa and was there when we arrived. One of the things that we had wanted to do was sing for Grandpa together as a family as we had done so often in our younger years. Rosie had printed out the words to several favorite songs and brought them with her. Grandma had a collection of hymnals (I have teased her and accused her of stealing them from the churches) and I found the ones that had a song in it that we used to sing as a family. We must have sung about 10 songs in between tears and laughter. B.J. started to sing with us and she said as soon as she heard us she stopped singing. She said "Wow! I never knew you could sing like that. You sound like a regular quartet!" She said we could be another Jackson Five. :) It sure was fun to sing like that together again. It's been years since that has happened with all of us together. I used to sing "Stand Up For Jesus" when I tried to get Dad to stand up here at home to go eat or get out of bed. He tried to move his body in the bed in a similar fashion. During another song that we sang, he tried to keep a beat. It even seemed at times as if he were trying to sing with us or hum along.

I wanted add some information that I failed to give in an earlier post. When I explained to you about stopping the tube feedings it may have left some questions unanswered in your minds. For me, it has been hard to think of not feeding Dad. It's very hard for me to wrap my mind around that and I try not to dwell on it. One thing that the hospice nurses have explained has been helpful to me and hopefully it will be to you as well. When a person's body begins to shut down...when they are approaching the end of their life and choose to no longer eat or cannot eat, to continue to "force" feed them battles with the normal process of shutting down and creates more pain for the person. Their body is trying to shut and and the feeding tries to "jump start" things, so to speak, and that creates the discomfort. (I explained that in strictly unprofessional, layman's term and as I understand it.)

I talked with Grandma yesterday before we went in to see Grandpa about telling Grandpa that it was okay if he wanted to go be with Jesus. I'm not sure if that was a good idea or not as she kept repeating it to him so much that at one point he sort of shook his head and mumbled "uhn, uh". I took that as he is not going anywhere just yet. :) She probably didn't remember that she had said it so many times. For those of you who have seen "Finding Nemo", we have called Grandma's repetition the Dory syndrome. :) All we have to say to each other when something like that happens is "Dory". :) For those of you who don't know, Dory, played by Ellen DeGeneres, was always forgetting what she had just said. I decided that Grandma needed an emotional break and said let's take a break and go look around this beautiful facility. We went to the chapel and sat in there and talked for awhile. I suggested that Grandma not said it anymore since we didn't want him to feel like we were booting him out the door. :) We spent enough time away from the room, change of scenery and change of mental focus and when we went back to the room awhile later things were much better and she was less emotional. Later, when the nurse came into give him some meds through his feeding tube, I suggested another emotional break. (I didn't want her to see that being done.)

Sherri came in and stayed with Grandpa while all of the rest of us went out and got lunch. Grandma was so thrilled to be spending time with all of the family. She stayed with us all until late afternoon when Sherri took her back to the nursing home to eat supper and rest for awhile. We left the Grandpa earlier than usual. We were all very tired and knew that he needed rest as there had been alot of activity that day. We picked Grandma up at the nursing home and brought her back to our house for a couple of hours to be with all of the family. It was the first time that she had been here since their move to the nursing home. I was concerned about how she would react to some of the changes that I had made in the living room. They were changes that helped me to cope with the change of them moving out. Nothing drastic but helpful to me. She made no comment as we passed through their apartment to go to my kitchen. We had to use their entrance because of the ramp. She did later ask Sherri to take her to her "office" and looked for a couple of things in her desk but it wasn't as traumatic as I feared it would be.

There have been some wonderful moments for individual family members as they visited with their Dad/Grandpa these past few days. Grandpa has patted someone on the back as they laid their head on his chest and cried while they told him how much he meant to them. One had an arm lovingly rubbed, a head patted, hands squeezed, some words clearly understood...like "proud of you", "I love you", "you are very, very special". One got an enthusiastic, "you're here!" As I talked with my Daddy on Saturday and told him how much he had meant to me and reminded him of some of the funny, teasing things he had said to me as a child, he grinned. Later that day, I spoke to him and said, "Daddy, it's Lois" and he replied, "you're not Lois". (That did not upset me, by the way.) A nurse later suggested that he may have been remembering me as a little girl and not the woman he was looking at. I liked that thought. When Richard and I were in the room alone with him on Sat. night, Dad pointed (he has been doing that alot). He said, "Do you see that little boy? Do you see that man?" We wonder if he is seeing glimpses of heaven.

Sherri told me of a dream she had the night before last. It was of Grandpa at about 30 years of age riding a bicycle. She was trying to get him to stop but he wouldn't. He was having so much fun. Later he was running and running and having fun and she couldn't get him to come back in the house. She said it was a fun dream to seem him so vibrant and alive. We decided that he was going to have so much fun running and riding again when he got his new body in heaven.

If any of you have any questions at all or want to call and talk to Grandpa on the phone (we can put the phone up to his ear), please let me know. If there is anything at all that I can do to share with you in your own grieving process I will be happy to do it. We are certainly very blessed with the wonderful heritage we share in this family! Much love to all of you!

(forgive me for any errors or typos-- I am not going to waste the time right now to edit) ;-)

Celebration of a life

There have been rumblings about a family reunion for a couple of months now and I am proposing a plan. Since it
seems we are about to lose Grandpa to heaven, it seems appropriate to plan a gathering to celebrate the life of this very
special man. As we have been thinking about how things are going to take place when he passes away, I have come to
the conclusion that since there will be no funeral as Grandma and Grandpa have long ago planned to be cremated to
save on costs (doesn't that sound like them) :) there is no need for a formal funeral. There will be a memorial service
here for their friends and ours in our local church family and for what ever family will be here. We thought that planning
a celebration instead of springing it on folks at the last minute will give more family members and chance to plan and be
in attendance. I know that Grandpa would like that alot as he always commented whenever any of the family gathered
together about how wonderful it was that the family got along so well -- playing and laughing together. It would be a
great way for us to remember him and share with each other what he meant to us, what he taught us and how he loved
us. We have chosen a weekend in August, Sat. the 22nd would be the actual day of celebration her in Florida. You are
welcome to plan to come ahead of time or stay after...whatever would fit into your schedules, but we will plan the actual
day/time of gathering on the 22nd. You might think, what if Grandpa is still here? No problem...then you can say your
own goodbyes and "I love you's". It's all about remember what Grandpa/Dad has meant to us over the years.


I have posted the above to our Blann Family website on MyFamily.com. I am posting it here for any extended family or friends reading this blog who know and love my Dad and who would like to share on this special day that we have planned.

Clarification

Just wanted to reassure all that Dad/Grandpa is resting comfortable. He is in no pain and hasn't had any pain meds since the middle of last night. He is resting much more peacefully and the agitation is gone that he was experiencing yesterday.

New day, new experiences

Last night when we left the Hospice facility, I called Mom and talked with her to see how she was doing. She was doing pretty good, just sitting and reading her book and relaxing. I told her that Dad was doing fine and resting well. I also told her that she could call me anytime she wanted if she needed to talk or had questions. This morning, at about 8:30, she called me in tears and asked if I could come over. I told her that I would be right there. (I needed to get dressed first as I had slept in a little trying to catch up on some lost rest.) We have a good friend from church, Julie, who lives very near to the nursing home and Mom is very comfortable with her. Julie had told me to call her anytime if she could help in anyway so I called and asked her to go be with Mom until I could get there. When I got there, I realized that she thought that Dad was already gone. She had told someone at the nursing home that he had already died. I assured her that he hadn't. I asked her if she wanted to see Dad and she told me that she didn't and couldn't. It was too upsetting for her. She seems to have said her goodbyes and is ready to grieve and move forward in her grieving. While I was there, I got a phone call from the social worker at Hospice through Nila. She had some paperwork to go over with me and wondered when I could meet with her. I had a moment of feeling like "I can't be in both places at once" and I got a defensive feeling like I had to explain that I wasn't neglecting my Dad. Just a moment of totally being overwhelmed. But I got over it and ended up having a wonderful afternoon sitting with Daddy.

Today has been an amazing day with Dad. When I got here, Nila told me that Dad had been more alert than ever and that he had been asking for me. The time that I spent with him this afternoon has been a gift! It was like I had been given a window into my Dad. It wasn't constant but consistent. He told me he loved me in response to my "I love you." I asked if he like the music I was playing for him on the CD and he said "it's relaxing". He responded to my questions of the volume...too loud or too soft. Just a little while ago Rich and I were talking with him and he smiled and said "you're gonna pay for it". I have no idea what I'm going to pay for but it was a fun time of teasing.

Sherri and her family came in to see Dad and when he saw Sherri he reached his hand out to her and gave her a big smile. He responded positively to all of the kids and Mark. Mark had his alone time with Grandpa while he read Psalm 119 to him. He asked Dad if he could and he responded affirmatively. When Sherri hugged him goodbye he told her that she was very, very special. (She got a very, very and thinks she's number one now.) :) :) He told her earlier that he loved her.

Rich came in a little while ago and Dad reached for him as Rich sat on the edge of his bed and just rubbed Rich's arm lovingly. He said several different tiny comments that we could understand. It's just been such a gift to have had this time with him. Such a real gift.

Dad reaches quite a bit for things that we cannot see. A little while ago he asked us if we saw the little boy and then a man. When we try to understand what he is saying to us and don't get it, he's sort of laughs a frustrated laugh. For those of you who may not be aware, this is a very normal part of the process. At one point this afternoon he woke and was looking around and I went to him and said "Hi, Daddy. It's Lois." He said, "you're not Lois." I said "who am I? Eva?" He shook his head no. Maybe he was seeing someone else waiting for him in Heaven.

Paul and JoAnne are on their way here now with Sam. Sam just picked them up at the airport. Dad is resting now and I hope that he will be aware of them when they arrive and that they will experience some moments of Dad's blessing as we have had.

New territory

This time I am writing in my Dad's new room at a beautiful Hospice facility in Jacksonville. I am going to be very honest and open about the process of what took place. Someone may read this and feel like they would have made a different decision. But, talking with my precious daughter-in-law, who is a seasoned blogger, she encouraged me to share it all. It is my desire that this blog and what I share here will be a blessing to someone. Maybe, what I have experienced will help someone else at a time when they may face a similar situation.

Okay, now that I have prefaced it, here we go. Last night I got out the paperwork for Hospice to show that I had the medical power of attorney and their living will directives. As I was reading it I discovered that we were functioning outside of my parents desire for their end of life. The directives were very clear as to their intentions. Continuing to use the feeding tube in the condition that my Dad is in was directly against their desire. My brother, Richard, who is here with me at this time also read the the living will and agreed with me that we needed to discontinue the tube feeding.

This was, understandably, a tough and painful discovery! We cried together and prayed together for wisdom and strength and then went to bed only to struggle with sleep. (He went to his room and I went to mine with Sam). :) I got to the hospital early to in order to not miss the doctor on his rounds this time. I told him what we had discovered and suggested that we were not honoring our parent’s wishes and he responded, “no, you are not. I see it all the time.” He was not unkind, just direct with us. He totally supported our decision to stop the tube feeding. After we talked for awhile, he went out to the nurse's station to immediately write the orders for Hospice and in about an hour, the Hospice representative was there to talk with us and sign the papers necessary to make the move.

In the meantime, I knew that I needed to talk to Mom about this decision and I also had to check on her leg that she had been having pain in. They came to the nursing home this morning and did the test on her leg and she did not have a blood clot for which we are very thankful. She was sleeping when I went into her room so I went to find the Unit Manager/Nurse to tell her what was happening with Dad. She was in a meeting so I left a message for her and went back to Mom's room. I checked on her leg and then Mom asked me how Dad was. I told her that I was there to talk about him and then asked if she remembered years ago when they signed the papers about the the way they wanted things to be handled for them at the end of their life. She said that she did. I then told her about Rich and I and the night before and understanding that we were not following their wishes. She said that she agreed with us and that it was the right thing to do and that she had always prayed that he could go first because he would not be able to survive without her. We cried together but she continued to assure me that we were doing the right thing. I had called Frances to come and be with Mom because I didn't want to leave her alone right after and conversation like that and I knew that I would have to go back to the hospital to meet with the Hospice nurse to sign the papers.

Sam called to let me know that the nurse was ready for us so I went back to the hospital. Nila and B.J. sat with Dad while Sam and I talked with the nurse and I signed the papers. We were blessed to have a room available in a facility as it can sometimes take up to a week or more to have an empty bed for someone. Dad was transported about 1:30 this afternoon. The nurse had indicated that it would be a couple of hours before we could see Dad and that they would have a meeting with us. It didn't quite work that way. We waited in the parking lot for quite awhile watching for the ambulance to arrive. It never did. Or so we thought. There was a back entrance that we knew nothing about and he was in his room snoring away by the time we decided to check. The doctor had already checked him and had to come back to the room later to chat with us. Very nice doctor!

After we saw that he was settled in, Sherri and Mark brought Mom over to see Dad. It was quite an emotional time for Mom and the rest of us as we watched Mom love on Dad and cry for him. Mom couldn't take it any long. She turned to me and asked if I was ready to go yet...in other words, she was. So we made plans for Sherri, Mark, Rich and Nila to take Mom to supper at Cracker Barrel. Sam and I stayed in the room until NIla and and Rich returned from eating dinner. Sam and I got dinner. We wee given a patient tray of food that was YUMMY. We shared. I had so wanted to write more but I am falling aalsleep...............g'nite for now. Can't stay awake.

Watching and waiting

As I am writing this, I am sitting beside Dad's bed in the hospital. I'm sorry that I haven't updated this before. Yesterday was a bit consuming for me and I couldn't get the computer online. By the time I got home it was after 9PM and I was too tired and wanting to just get a shower. We are all trying to stay clean and not get anything from the hospital. :(

Yesterday Dad was responding and smiling and trying to talk -- almost a chatter. Unfortunately, very little of it is understandable. He did smile when I came in but when Sam came in later he raised his hand and said clearly enough for all of us to understand, "oh, look who's here!" Amazed us all. He was awake most of the morning. We brought Mom in to see Dad and he was happy to see her. She sat for awhile with him and held his hand and when he started to get sleeping and snoring and then his body started jerking alot.......(several hours later)...we decided that it would be better to take her back to the nursing home. Sam and Sherri took her for lunch first.

Okay, now. I had written two more paragraphs explaining alot of stuff and due to a technical malfunction, I lost it all. Now I am home from the hospital, have eaten a late supper and am trying to finish this, again, so that those who are waiting for an update will have one. I'm sorry that I haven't been able to do this sooner but please understand that it has been almost non-stop today, especially.

Today, Dad was much less responsive and even less coherent in his conversation. When he sleeps, which is most of the time, his body will spontaneously start to jerk, shake and jump. He will start to reach for something in the air or point. Sometimes he is very agitated and panicky. If you are holding his hand, at times he will squeeze so tight that it feels your hand will break. One time yesterday when I was holding his hand, he squeezed tightly and moved my hand as if he were shifting gears of a car.

His vital signs are good and stable. His oxygen levels have been above 90 all day. The hardest thing for us all to watch is the almost seizure-like body movements, his agitation and his inability to clearly communicate. Today we called Hospice to come in and talk to us about the possibility of their care for Dad. The representative that came was wonderful. She seemed to indicate that he would qualify but we needed the doctor's counsel first. She left the information for the Dr. on the chart for when he comes in tomorrow morning. I will be at the hospital early tomorrow so that I might have a chance to talk to him about this.

We had an upsetting day today (we, meaning the family) because of the nurse that was assigned to Dad's care today. When I got to the hospital this morning she was preparing to give Dad his meds by mouth!!! He can't have anything by mouth in case he were to choke because he can't swallow. It's in the chart!! She had the meds on the table with applesauce ready to give uncrushed meds in the applesauce. She didn't even have a crusher there until I said, "did they tell you how to give the meds?" I told her they went in his feeding tube. She said, "oh, he doesn't take anything by mouth?" I get angry again just writing about it! I proceeded to tell her how to give it and she said, "Oh, I'll go get the crusher and be right back." I won't bore you with the details but the rest of the day went on like that. I was watching this "lovely" lady's every move! Nila and I gave the night crew and real once over before we felt safe to leave Dad for the night. The night nurse and tech were awesome and said they would take good care of him all night and we believed them by what we saw. I'm going to try and finish this post soon so that I can get to bed because I intend to be at the hospital by 7:00 am.

Mom has some leg pain going on that we also are needing to address. Grace is her nurse at the nursing home tonight. I left Nila at the hospital with Dad earlier and went to check on Mom because she was complaining so much about the leg pain. Grace had been taking care of her and given her Tylenol. I expressed concern about a blood clot and Grace put in a call to the doctor who said that they should do a veinous doppler tomorrow. We are staying busy here and I am so grateful for having Nila her and Rich at this time.

If this doesn't make sense and/or you have any questions because of this post and my writing it tired, please don't hesitate to ask!! (I'm not even taking the time to proofread it..I'm going to bed now.)

Challenges, fears & trust

As I right this update we are traveling home from Pennsylvania to Florida. We were to have been heading to Ohio today for the rest of our vacation. After we had left Allentown and just started out on our day of driving, Sherri called. She had just gotten a call from B.J. (our house cleaner who has become a great friend and who loves Mom and Dad as her own parents). She had gotten to the nursing home to check on Mom and Dad early and discovered that Dad was burning up with fever. She checked him out to see if there was infection around the entry place of the feeding tube, etc. Sherri immediately proceeded to the nursing home. Just before she arrived they had tried to give Dad his meds in his feeding tube and he promptly threw up everything they put in his stomach. In the process of throwing up, he choked badly (as if you can choke goodly). B.J. said his lips turned blue at one point and the nurse believed that he had aspirated. (Now the concern is that he could get pneumonia from having this foreign matter in his lungs.) Sherri spoke with the head nurse who said they could do a chest xray to see if this had indeed happened. She also communicated to Sherri that they could have him transported to the hospital if the family pushed and said that was what they wanted. Sherri and I concurred that this was our desire. The last time they did a chest xray at the nursing home to check for aspiration, it took over 24 hours. We also were anxious to find out what was causing the high fever.

Kathy and Carmen had planned to go to Orange Park today from St. Augustine for some errands. They had planned to see Mom and Dad while they were there. I called them to catch them up to speed on what was happening. They went to the nursing home shortly after that. Sherri said that when they arrived and Kathy said her perky hello to Dad that he brightened up, his eyes twinkled and he smiled. He later tried to kick Carmen at the foot of the bed (his way of teasing with Carmen). That was an encouraging moment.

They decided that Sherri would go to the E.R. with Dad and B.J. would get lunch and then relieve Sherri for lunch. Kathy and Carmen stayed at the nursing home with Mom to make sure she understood what was going on and to keep her company for awhile.

So now we wait...for the chest xray and blood work results at the hospital. Dad is on an IV in the E.R. and their goal is to keep him comfortable right now.

Nila called me a little while ago after getting the latest news by way of text message. (This is a great part about sharing things as a family and holding each other up.) She reminded me that I have been their rock and anchor (the earthly one) for awhile now and that Dad is probably quite anxious and not understanding what is happening and his rock and anchor isn't around. She suggested that it was quite important for him to hear my voice and to even pray with him. I have spoken to him once since I left and that was when he was in the hospital for his feeding tube. He can't respond but he can listen. I called Sherri and she put the phone up to his ear. I spoke to him, prayed with him and then I sang him his song...GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU. Sherri said that his breathing changed when I started to sing and that he was smiling and looking around a bit afterwards.

I'm so glad I'm on my way home!

Difficult day that ended better than it started

This has been an emotional day for many of us who love and care for my Dad. The brunt of the stress fell on Sherri first thing this morning when she went to the hospital to check on Dad. When she got there she felt like he was on his way away from us. He was unresponsive and his oxygen levels were below normal. The doctor had arrived early and decided to remove the oxygen, thinking that he no longer needed it. The weight of wondering if he was dying was very heavy on her and when we talked, of course, I was torn about what to do as we are in Pennsylvania. I was ready to jump in the car and head home but reason overcame impulsiveness with the help of friends and family. Sherri and I talked about different things to do, one of which was to talk to the nurse about getting his oxygen started again. The plan was to return him to the nursing home this afternoon and we were concerned that he wasn't ready to go yet. I made phone calls from here. I spoke with the unit manager/charge nurse at the nursing home to see if they were equipped to handle things if he were moved back now. Her one concern was his o2 level. She said that if he came back and his o2 levels started dropping that they would return him to the hospital. We didn't want that. We wanted it to be resolved before he was sent back to the nursing home. Somewhere along the way, the oxygen was returned. Sherri says that he will pull it off and sometimes puts it in his mouth so that is something that they will have to watch.

My concern was that Sherri was alone and needed someone to support her. I called a close friend who is also a friend of Sherri's and asked if she could go be with Sherri. Before that, I had suggested to Sherri that she get Mom and take her to the hospital to see Dad. She hadn't seen him in a couple of days as she had not been comfortable being there alone with Dad and had asked to just wait for him back at the nursing home. Sherri was concerned that it would be difficult for her to see him like he was this morning. We discussed it and decided that Dad's need to see her probably far outweighed concern for her at this point. So Sherri picked Mom up after her lunch to take her to see Dad.

Meanwhile, here in Pennsylvania, I was having trouble deciding what to do. I called another dear friend and unloaded my breaking heart on her. She, being the prayer warrior that she is, said "let's pray". While we were talking, Rosie beeped in on my cell phone. I clicked over to tell her that I was on the phone with Kathy and would call her right back. Knowing her sister, Rosie sensed that something was wrong and began to pray for me. I just really needed to know what to do. Was there anything that I could do differently if I was there at home? Thinking that Dad might be dying, I just wanted to be there to sing him into heaven. I kept thinking of the song, "God Will Take Care of You". Kathy prayed that I would know what to do in the next 10 minutes. I told her that I wanted to be there with him if he was dying but I realized that the angels could sing him into heaven better than I could. We hung up and I called Rosie back. Again, I unloaded my breaking heart....(that means I was sobbing). What to do??? Just after we started talking, Kathy beeped in and I clicked over. She told me that she and Carmen were leaving the house to drive up to Orange Park to check on things at the hospital. Now Kathy has been there with several people as their lives were ending. She was a hospice volunteer several years ago and then cared for two family members who passed away in their home. (She's got some experience!) She was going to evaluate the situation and would call. When I got back on the line with Rosie, she told me that was my answer. I was to sit tight and relax until I heard back from Kathy.

Sherri had gone to eat lunch and then went to pick up Mom at the nursing home. When she got back Dad began to perk up...I'm not sure if he had begun to already or if it began when they got there but it was happening. Then Sherri's sister, my neice Kristen, arrived. (They have been down from Indiana on vacation. Another blessing that I had mentioned before.) Frances arrived. The friend that I had called first to be with Sherri. Next, it was Kathy and Carmen. They now had a room full of people who loved Dad and whom he also loved. Kathy called me a few times from the hospital. The first time to tell me that Dad was smiling and enjoying the interaction of the folks in the room. He was now trying to say a few words while before he had been quite unresponsive. But she also wanted me to know that she believed that he was not dying at this time and that I needed to stay put and try to enjoy my time away with my husband and family. Later, Frances also called me to tell me that things were going to be okay and I did NOT need to come home. She and her husband were both going to visit Mom and Dad later in the evening.

Sherri was finally able to call me again when things had been settled for Dad's return to the nursing home this early evening. Sherri took Mom back to the nursing home so that she could have her dinner and her sister, Kristen, who is a CNA, rode with her Grandpa in the ambulance back to the nursing home. Sherri stayed to get Dad settled in and then called me again on her way home to tell my that my two favorite nurses were on duty tonight on their wing. If you have been following this blog, you will remember Grace from the first day at the nursing home. Grace was on duty and is a precious, loving, conscientious nurse. So I am again thankful for Grace. And mercy. Mercy that God allowed the two nurses that I feel the most comfortable with to be there tonight on his first night back following this ordeal. I'm thankful for the friends we have that love Jesus and my family. I'm thankful for my family that love Jesus and me. I'm thankful for Jesus who cares for my parents much better than I ever could and He can do it even if I'm not in town to help Him!

Dad's feeding tube

A quick update. Dad had his feeding tube placed this afternoon. He came through everything just fine. Sherri is with him as I write this and I just finished speaking with her. She said he is awake and seems to be aware of what is going on. They will not feed him until tomorrow. His sugar count has been very high but the nurse said that it is partially because he is not eating and is getting sugar water in his IV. It was down after surgery but the nurse said they had probably given him insulin down in the O.R. I will add more later. Oh, Mom is doing fine -- she had lots of company today. Sherri was going to stop by the nursing home to see Mom after she leaves the hospital. Mom didn't want to go back to the hospital today. Kristen was at the hospital with Dad before surgery while Sherri was home dealing with the excess water that was working it's way into her house because of the heavy rains that are falling in Florida. Our close friend and neighbor, Frances, stopped to check on Mom on her way home from work. Mom was so glad to see her. So, all is well and everyone is pitching in to help things run as smoothly as possible. I am so thankful for that so that Sam and I are able to continue on with our vacation. For some reason, when I sit down for very long, like to write these updates, I feel like curling up in a bed somewhere and falling asleep. I did that yesterday but now we are leaving to go meet our kids to eat supper together in Charlotte.

More news about Dad's feeding tube

Sherri called me just after the doctor had come in to see Dad. It was about 5:30PM tonight. I had asked for the gastroenterologist that we have used before but he was unavailable. His associate came in. The nurse told Sherri that both doctors were really good. He said that the results of Dad's blood work showed that his potassium level was too low and his sodium was too high to be able to have anesthesia. They will have to get all of that regulated with the IV drip before placing the feeding tube. At this time they anticipate accomplishing that on Wednesday. He said that he would only remain in the hospital long enough to make sure that Dad tolerates it well. When I talked to the doctor yesterday, he indicated that it would only be a matter of 12 to 24 hours to regulate things before he would return to the nursing home. Hopefully, he will be able to return to be with Mom on Thursday.

Sherri plans to take Mom up to see Dad in the hospital tomorrow morning. Mom is understandably more confused with all of this happening. Fortunately, she is loved at the nursing home and will be well cared for and Sherri is keeping her informed of all that is going on. And, as I know more, I will keep all of you who may be interested, informed.

As I read back over my previous post, I realize that I did not make something clear. This procedure will be what keeps Dad alive and healthy for the rest of his life. There is no anticipation of it ever being removed as his swallowing capabilities no longer function. This is a "normal" and frequent result of the aging process for some people. Dad will have the food in his mouth and you can tell him to swallow until the cows come home but it just doesn't make it happen. You can see the wheels turning, trying to do it, you can even rub his throat (which works for babies) and it won't help. I am thankful that we live in a time when this sort of procedure is possible as I am not quite ready to give my Dad up yet. He still has a personality that shows through and his sense of humor is still intact.

Update on Dad

Dad was admitted to the hospital today to have a feeding tube placed and receive IV fluids. He has had increasing difficulty swallowing and choking. The swallowing issue has become so bad that Dad was rapidly becoming dehydrated and losing weight. We are actually encouraged to be having this done as we feel that this will help Dad to regain some of his mental abilities that have deteriorated because of the dehydration.

Sam and I are actually in the car traveling to South Carolina as I write this. This had all been coming to a head before we left and yesterday when I went into the nursing home I was able to talk to the doctor and get everything worked out. Sherri and I talked and the consensus (Rosie, Paul, Sherri) was that Sam and I continue with our plans to leave for our vacation today. There is nothing different that I can do that Sherri cannot. Dad is in good hands. Rosie's daughter, Kristen, who is a CNA in Indiana, is visiting in Florida right now. She and her husband arrived at the nursing home at 7:30AM to check on things and were in with Mom and Dad all morning. Sherri went to the hospital with Dad. I am moved to tears as I think about the providence of God in the timing of all this. Knowing that Kristen was there with them all morning to help out and love on her grandparents with her skills is such a comforting thing. A reminder that God has all things under control. I am reminded again of what Dad has told us several times. When he was born in the apartment above the church where his dad pastored, there was a service taking place below. His mother told him that the song being sung at the time of his birth was GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU. She told him that was his birth song. One line of the song is "Be not dismayed what e're betide, God will take care of you. Beneath His wings of love abide, God will take care of you." And God certainly continues to do that for my parents!

Musings

Heather and David and the children are here for the 4th of July weekend. Heather had a test on Thursday, after which the med students will be off for two days of school for the weekend holiday. This is the first time that their family has been here with just Sam and me. Josiah told me today while we were having some quiet time together that it is fun having me not have to do so much work because he likes being with me. Then he added that it is too bad that Grandma and Grandpa have to be in a "nursery" home though. Heather's best friend since childhood came yesterday with her daughter to spend time with Heather's family and they spent the night last night. As I was sitting with Natalie and Josiah at Mom & Dad's kitchen table while they were coloring surprises for their Mom and Grandma, Heather and Dana were playing a song on the piano that they used to play when they were teenagers. I had this moment of ...not sure quite how to describe it...awareness? Insight? I was struck with a feeling that I was actually savoring life at that moment. Enjoying the grandchildren, enjoying the grown children and I was relaxed and not feeling stressed. In the past, the piano would be stressing me, the children's loud playing and constant banter would be distracting as I was trying to concentrate on meeting the needs of my "charges"; my dear parents. Lest I be misunderstood, I would have difficult days but I honestly didn't regret the choice, ever, to be the caretaker of my Mom and Dad. I/we willingly made that choice and would do it all over again if given the chance with them. We have been blessed by memories with them that would have never been possible without this path that we chose to take. Yes, there were days that I wished that I could just be a Nana, mother, wife or friend but that didn't change the fact that I was living the life at the time that I believed God had ordained for me. It has been a honor to have this responsibility. There is a season for all things and this season had been chosen for us by God. I used to joke that I had been born to be their caretaker. :) When I was young I worked in three different nursing homes which, I believe, so prepared me for this experience. But the season is changing. That became apparent in February when the load became overwhelming. As I struggled through the fact that I no longer seemed to be able to cope well, I kept thinking of the verse that says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength". Then I would beat myself up thinking that I wasn't letting God give me the strength. Then one day it occurred to me that God only gives us the strength to do the the things that He wants us to do, not what we think we are supposed to be doing. At that moment I realized that He was telling me that it was okay now for me to move on to to the next step and that was to let others care for them for the 24/7 shift. It is now time for me to be their overseer and focus the majority of my time on other things. That has helped so much with battling guilt which I can honestly say has not been a difficult battle. God has gone before us in this whole process and made it so clear that He is in control and has a plan that I have been able to focus on the details he has worked out and be reminded constantly that He is handling things and protecting Mom and Dad.

Urostomy issues...again

Heather and David and the kids are here for the weekend. Today we all visited Mom and Dad in the nursing home. The activities department had 4th of July celebration stuff out on the patio/atrium. Mom called me about 10:30 and asked when we were coming in. She said it had been a rough morning for her because Dad had been very stubborn with the caretakers at the nursing home. We got there around 12:30 and got hot dogs to eat from the patio lunch set-up and took them in to eat in Mom and Dad's room. They had their lunch in their as well. A CNA was feeding Dad when we got there and she asked if I wanted to finish feeding him, which I did. As I was sitting there with him I thought that I was smelling urine. When he finished eating, the nurse came in to empty his urine bag. I told her that I smelled urine and when she opened his pants to empty his bag I found that he was soaking wet again. This time it was mostly on his underwear and his hernia support belt. It was on in a "cattywhompus" fashion and was pulling the faceplate away from his body and it had been loosened enough that it was leaking. The support belt was soaked! Long story short, I got him undressed and changed the appliance with the supplies that I had in his room while the nursing was looking for the supplies on the floor. She never did find them as the person in charge of those supplies was not working that day. She brought something that wasn't the correct faceplate but she watched how to change it since she didn't know how. She said that the night shift did the change. Somehow the Unit Manager was notified of what had happened and she came in to talk to me. She apologized to me and said that I did not need to do that...they would have done it for me and all I needed to do was come and find her. I explained that I wasn't upset and that I just wanted to clean him up and get it done and it was a love thing for me to be able to do it. I did ask for help getting him dressed.

While we were visiting, Josiah asked Grandma if she like her new home. She said that it was good and the people were very nice. She added that they were there because it helped Nana not to have to do so many things that were making her too tired. As I thought about that statement, I realized the depth of my mother's love for me. She was "blooming where she was planted" and making the very best of her situation with no complaints because she loved her daughter!!

Rough Day

Today was the care plan meeting. It's where everyone gets together and talks about the plan of care. Duh! :) Anyway, before the meeting started, I went to see Mom and Dad who happened to be in Physical Therapy. (Mom LOVES P.T) The nurse was in there giving them their meds at the time and she had just given Dad his crushed in pudding. As I walked in he began to choke. A lot! He threw up a little as he was gagging. It was rough to watch. I was right there with him and encouraged him through it. They are planning to do a barium swallow to check things out in regards to his swallowing ability. But I truly believe that the thrush is part of the problem. I won't go into the gross reasons why I believe it. Just trust me. He sounded so congested while he was choking. I later asked the Unit Manager to check his lungs which she did. Her opinion was that he needed a check xray after listening to him. He was very uncooperative when she checked him. I don't know if it was because he is feeling bad enough that he couldn't follow the instructions or if he is just so frustrated with his situation that he is just being stubborn and shutting down in a way. Yesterday, when I was driving home after visiting them, I got to thinking that I feel a little like Dad is drifting away. I have said many times before that I feel like there is more going on in Dad's than people understand and that Dad can articulate. One of the staff noted in the meeting that when she has stopped in their room on a couple of occasions that when Mom is in the room that Dad just shuts down and defers to her. But she stopped in once when Mom was in the bathroom and Dad talked and responded quite a bit to her.

So, at this time, Dad is on treatment for thrush for the next 10 days, he is having a urine test done to check for infection and he will have a chest xray tomorrow. I asked today for them to try applesauce for his meds instead of pudding. I'll find out tomorrow how that went.

I have been working on their apartment in our house. This may sound weird to some folks...those who keep things the same if their kid moves out of the house -- they leave the room the same for years. Well, I'm a different animal. I have to change things, move things around, paint, etc. The day after Mom and Dad moved to the facility I threw out their plastic table cloth and placemats. I changed the position of the little kitchen table. Later I moved the furniture around in the living room...redecorating with the existing furniture and accessories and removing some accessories and storing them Yesterday I cleaned out a lot of stuff in their bedroom. Non essentials like piles of foam rubber pieces that must have had some purpose for their existence. As I have been making these changes I have struggled with the feelings like I am pronouncing them dead or killing them in some way. It's weird...I'm weird, I guess, but for me, this is therapeutic -- this is how I cope and move on, by making these changes. I have left the door to their side of the downstairs open -- made it an extension of our whole house and that has been good. The dogs love to chew their bones in Mom and Dad's living room and hang out with me over their while I am working. I think they like the carpet more than the tile in our living room.

Tomorrow there will be a 4th of July celebration/event at the nursing home. Mom and Dad are looking forward to seeing David, Heather & the kids tomorrow...well, at least Mom is.

Bingo and Thrush

I had an appointment today across town and on the way home I was planning to visit with Mom and Dad. A close friend, Frances, was going to come when I went. It was her first visit to them since they moved into the nursing home. Frances and Don live behind us (we’re back-door friends) and they also attend church with us. Since we are going on our two week vacation starting next week, she wanted to be sure of where they are, etc. as she plans to rotate visits to Mom and Dad with Sherri and family. Don and Frances were part of a small group in our home that Mark led the first year that we lived in our new house. They grew to love Mom and Dad and watched the deterioration process over the past two years. Mom and Dad are very comfortable with them and love it when they visit. At least, Mom does, at this point. I have totally gotten off track. When I was about 30 minutes away from the nursing home, I called Frances to meet me. Just after I hung up, I got a phone call from Mom. She was so excited! She said, “Guess what? I didn’t have any money in my pocket and now I have $.50!!” I immediately asked her, “Did you play bingo today?” She did and she had a ball!! She told me that it was so much fun. Dad stayed in their room and she had turned the TV on for him and she went to Bingo. They play for coins – different ones at different times – and sometimes a group of ladies bring in little gifts that they play for. When Shelly, the admissions director, talked to her before about playing she said she didn’t know how and didn’t have any money. Shelly told her that she didn’t need any money but she might win some and that they would show her how to play. I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face in the car after that phone call!! That was exactly what I had hoped for – that Mom would have some activities that she could enjoy and she is finally doing it.

Frances and I arrived and went into the room to visit. I had taken Dad’s harmonicas in for him…he had a small one and Mom said that he played it at the “talent show” last week in activity time. When he had played for me earlier that day he was doing quite well with little snippets of songs. We would suggest one and he’d start running through notes and another song would come out. Nothing like the old days when he played but he still did quite well. Today though was a different story. He just looked at the harmonicas, turned them over in his hand, and looked some more. When I encouraged him to play seemed to be trying to get something out of his mouth first. He kept rolling his tongue and I asked if he had something in his mouth. I got him a tissue and he spit something out. When he spit it out I got a glimpse of his tongue. I asked him to stick his tongue out and it looked weird – like it was coated with thick tan pudding. Frances saw it and said it looked like thrush. Someone came in at that moment to change out their I.D. armbands. I showed her and she said she would send his nurse in. The Unit Manager was on the floor at the time and she and their R.N. for that shift both came in to look and declared it thrush. I asked how that happens and they said usually after an antibiotic. He hasn’t been on one. The therapist came in shortly after that to take them to therapy and we were talking about it and she said a suppressed immune system can also allow that to happen. I started wondering, of course, if the trauma from the move could affect his immune system and she said it was possible. When I left they were still waiting to hear from the doctor to get orders to treat it. I can clean up bottoms, change urostomy appliances but oral stuff like that is quite disturbing to me. Always has been. When I worked in a nursing home when I was young, that was the one thing that I had trouble handling…anything gross from the mouth or nose.

Yesterday I had to do some business in the business office. I did business with Janet Jackson but she wouldn’t give me her autograph!! When we got finished doing the business (heard that word enough yet?) we chatted for awhile. We got to talking about Mom and Dad going in the nursing home and the stress that I had gone through the day before we moved them. She told me about her aunt that had been placed in a nursing home as well and some of her experiences with her aunt. I shared with her about my light-bulb moment when I realized that God could take better care of them than I could and how God had cared for them through all the stuff in Africa – grass huts, snake bites, malaria, scorpions, etc. She said, “Oh, honey, you’re making me feel all fluffy inside, whooeee!” We were talking about how it makes one wonder at times why people like her aunt and Dad have to go through this valley of apparent darkness at the end of their lives when they are ready to go home. I told her that I felt like God had given me an answer a couple of weeks ago. At this point, it’s not about Dad but about me and the people who care for him. I have things to learn and places to grow and in the caring for him, God can use those circumstances, if I let Him, to continue to grow me. I told Janet that we were going on vacation next week and she said that she was going to go visit Mom and Dad while we were gone and make sure they got some of their favorite Publix Chocolate Chip Mint Ice Cream!!

A couple of days ago I made the decision to let the facility do Mom and Dad’s laundry. I know that Mom used to do Grandma’s and I was planning to do it but with two people it became a constant thing of taking clothes back and forth. Everything is marked and I decided (after running it by Rosie) to give them a chance. Especially with vacation coming up. We’ll see how it goes. Mom was really stressed, though, when I told her that I was going to do that. When I got home yesterday she called me and asked me where Dad’s hearing aid was because they were going to give him a shower. I said it was either in his ear or the box they keep it in at night. She looked and said “oh, it’s in his ear”. We hung up and she called me right back. She asked what to do about the big basket of dirty laundry. I reminded her again that the facility was going to do it. She was panicky because she said the things weren’t marked. They were marked and she finally saw that and felt better. I reminded her again today that they were going to do the laundry there and that I had checked to make sure everything was marked. She seems a little better about it today. As long as everything is marked. (Smile).

Yesterday their nurse was Rosemonde from Haiti. She is so sweet and I really enjoy interacting with her. Mom is trying so hard to remember the names of the nurses, CNAs and other staff so I was going to help her. I told her this was Rosemonde and the nurse said if that is too hard you can call me Rosie. I said, “That’s my sister’s name – that should be easy to remember.” Rosie came in and gave Dad his meds and then went to get Mom’s. When she got to Mom, Mom turned her name tag over and said, “Rosemonde, that’s a pretty name.” The nurse said that she could call her “Rosie”. Mom said, “Oh, that would be easy to remember, my daughter’s name is Rosie and that would make me feel good to call you that.” That is the kind of memory thing Mom has going on right now. It amazes me how quickly this all occurred over the past several month!

Tomorrow we have a Care Plan meeting. Several people will gather and discuss the care plan for Mom and Dad. I have some concern about Dad’s eating. He is close to the point of needing to be fed. He is so distracted in the dining room by all the activity that he doesn’t eat and Mom is constantly on him to eat and then stressed and not able to eat. They have eaten in their room to help with the distraction but Mom misses the interaction in the dining room. We will discuss ideas tomorrow regarding this.