To my dear family, (siblings, cousins, nephews, nieces and friends who are like family),
I am writing this letter both as information to all of you who care so much about my parents, John and Eva, and as a request for much prayer on their behalf and mine.
You all know that we have been caring for Mom and Dad in some form or another for the past eight years. It has been and honor and blessing to have this responsibility and it is one that we chose willingly. For the past two years (since we moved into our new home with an apartment for them) things have been getting increasingly difficult.
One of the reasons that I am including all of you in this informational letter is because of something that I experienced as a teenager. When my Grandmother was place in a nursing home, I was 18. (Important to note the age as I was young and immature and had no clue at that time how much was involved with caring for aged parents with dementia and health problems.) I had the opportunity to care for Grandmother in my parent’s home the summer before, until her medical issues made it necessary for the family to get more skilled help so I was feeling extra protective. I was not aware how much she had deteriorated and the stress it must have been creating for my aunt and her family so when she was placed in the nursing home, I jumped to incorrect conclusions. Partly for selfish reasons, I don’t want you to jump to incorrect conclusions and mostly because I know that you all care about Mom and Dad and you would like to be included in knowing what is transpiring.
Many of you have seen the amount of work that is necessary to properly care for Mom and Dad. The physical part of taking care of Dad is taking a toll on me physically and it is a toll that I can no longer ignore. He is unable to get himself out of or into bed and he needs assistance for all of his personal care. His level of dementia is such that he had his hearing aide in his mouth for quite some time and later thought that it was a tooth that had come out. The hearing aide was ruined and neither he nor Mom has any recollection of what happened. (He asked me once what happened to it and I just told him it was broken.)
Mom’s dementia has rapidly progressed in the past several months. The most difficult part about it is that she is not able to process and/or remember that Dad is unable to do many things that he has to be helped with. We constantly have to step in and divert her so that he can be cared for properly.
Long story short, I can no longer do this. Dad is too heavy for me to continue to do what it takes to meet his needs. I am exhausted both mentally and physically and we are going to have to place them in a facility where there needs can be attended to by people who work in shifts. I can no longer do this 24/7 and have anything left for my husband, children, grandchildren or myself. My siblings, children and husband are in total support of this decision and are urging me to move ahead. I finally know that I have to do this. We believe that we have found the place. Rosie will be here with me this coming week to stay for a couple of weeks and we will be trying to finalize things during that time.
I have been in the process of looking for a place for several weeks now and have not spoken with Mom and Dad about our plans. In many ways they are like children and it is better not to tell them about things happening too far in advance. I didn’t want to bring it up until I knew that it was going to be a reality. We have had discussions, Mom and I, in her more “aware” moments. One of which was that Dad could never be separated from her or he would surely die. (Her assumption and I agree.) She is in a state in which it I could care for her here alone but I cannot possibly separate them…they need to remain together. We have found a place where they will share a room. We have a few details yet to work out but we are praying that all of them will work out smoothly.
Now for my big request of all of you…I need your prayers. I will begin discussing this with Mom and Dad and I wanted to be covered with prayer before I venture into these waters. Please pray that Mom is able to remember when she cared for her Mom and that she got to a point that she was unable to do it because her own health was failing. Pray that they will be uplifted in their hearts and minds by the Lord who has been so faithful to them through these many years. Pray that I will have wisdom and strength. Pray that they will be blessed by this move with new friends, activities that will stimulate their minds and kind, compassionate caregivers.
Thanks so very much!
With lots of love,
Lois
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