The words of my Dad, President of Frankfort Wesleyan Bible College, in the front of the 1970 yearbook:
THE DAWNING OF A DECADE
The sun is rapidly rising in the eastern sky of the 70's. What do the days ahead hold in store? God only knows.
We do know that problems lie ahead, even as they were present in the 60's. The hearts of many people quake at the thought of nuclear war, over-population, inflation, pollution, and the other very real problems.
Christians are concerned about those problems also, but there is a difference. People in need are not just a problem. They are people in need to be reached for Christ.
The new decade offers another opportunity to serve Jesus Christ. Let us be up and about the Master’s business.
H. John Blann
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Nursing home admission day
This is the first journal entry of life in a nursing home and it was written before I started this blog. In the interest of keeping all of these records in one place, I am posting it now.
*****
June 18, 2009
This is my progress report concerning Mom and Dad’s admission to the nursing home on Tuesday. Tonight is the third night that they are spending in their new room at Doctors Lake Healthcare.
On Tuesday morning we were working to finish gathering all the things that we still needed to take over to the nursing home. I was trying to get Mom and Dad ready to go. We had planned to meet Shelly, the admissions director at 11:00am. So much for the best laid plans. It took longer than normal to get Dad finished with breakfast and into the bathroom to do his morning routine. When we were finally ready to leave, Dad would not get up from the chair. (Things were definitely a bit confusing as he had to sit in Mom’s chair because we had taken his to the nursing home the night before.) When we said it was time to go, he said that he needed to ask a question. “Why do we have to go somewhere else?” I tried to explain…again…that it was because I needed a chance to rest as my body was getting very tired. He looked at Rosie at some point and said, “she can do it.”
We got them into the car and Mom asked if this was it…were they coming back…and I said yes, for visits. She got teary eyed as she had been off and on for the past few days. Dad was very difficult to get in the car. Sam and Jim had gone on ahead to work on some things in their room so Rosie and I took Mom and Dad over. When we got to the home Dad would not get out of the car. I could tell that he was very upset. He then said…”you have been very unfair to us. You have made this decision without us!” I reminded him that I had talked to them about it and told them what was happening and why but he just didn’t remember. He finally did get out and walked to his new room with us using his walker. By the time we got to their room he was having trouble walking because his legs were so tired. Shelly was walking with us and told me later that she was concerned that he was a fall risk. They had their lunch in the room and then we met several different people and the nurse came in to do Dad’s intake information.
First of all, let me go back a little. Shortly after we arrived I met the nurse in charge of their room. She was very, very nice and her name was Gloria. I was told that the night nurse would be Grace. Later, when we met her, we found her to be such a sweet and pleasant person!! It occurred to me when I was told the nurse’s names that it was kind of cool that they were Grace and Gloria. As we were driving home that night and contemplating the day’s events, that particular fact really moved us. Jim noted later that there is an old song, “Where He Leads Me, I Will Follow”. One verse says, “He will give me grace and glory, He will give me grace and glory, and go with me all the way. What a comforting reminder.
Now, back to Dad’s intake information….we sat there as Gloria asked Dad the necessary questions. She asked him if he knew what day it was and after a few moments of blankness he stated that it was one day later than yesterday. He was asked how old he was and he said “200”. When asked what month it was he was totally blank so she hinted and said that it is the month of Father’s Day. He asked if we had passed March yet and when I said yes he told the nurse that it is a couple months past March. He didn’t get the month of his birthday correct but did get the day. When asked who the president is he answered, “John Blann”. (Pretty sure that was a cover up for his embarrassment of not knowing the answer). We told her that he HAD been a president….of a Bible College. During the process of doing the intake the nurse became teary. She tried to cover it up but finally told me that he reminded her of her Daddy. She kept telling me that they would be alright. Later, she came back to the room to see how I was doing and she told me the story of her father. She is from the Philippines and is the oldest of the children in her family. She has been in the states for 39 years and when her father became ill with dementia, her brothers cared for him. She wasn’t able to be there but would get updates and reports by phone. He has been gone for 10 years but she still grieves for him and the fact that she wasn’t with him to care for him. I told her that she could love my Daddy for me. What a gift to have that kind of compassion to care for my Dad the first day of his arrival at this new place.
The day progressed with lots of activity. The PT came in and walked with both of them to see where they were in their abilities. We all left about 4:30 and told them we would see them after supper. We went back with other stuff they needed and did more tweaking to the room. It is very cute and comfortable. Mom has been very confused, thinking that she needs to care for Dad. We have to keep reminding her that she is there to keep him company but that others must care for him. The staff said that she keeps trying to get him up and make him move and that concerns them. Today, I think that I may have gotten through to Mom that she must not try to get him up at any time.
On Wednesday, Rosie and Jim stopped in to visit Mom and Dad on their way out of town to St. Augustine for the day. (By the way, what an absolute gift from God that Rosie and Jim were able to work the timing to be here just when they were needed for this transition!!) They found Mom and Dad in the Activity Room listening to a man play the piano for the residents. They were sitting side by side, holding hands and Dad was beating time with his free hand. Mom kept talking about the song that she asked the pianist if he knew and that he played it for her! In the afternoon, I met with Shelly in Admissions and signed all the paperwork. My hand ached by the time we finished! I then met the business office ladies, the social worker and the Administrator. I had a nice time visiting with Mom and Dad after that.
Thursday, we got there as they were finishing lunch. Dad was taking longer than he should and that is because of his distraction in people watching. The nurse and Mom were suggesting that he eat in their room instead so that he could concentrate on eating but they really don’t want Mom to miss out on the social interaction. We (Rosie, Jim & I) took Mom and Dad back to their room. Mom uses the walker to walk around the facility and they have Dad in a wheel chair that he can maneuver with his feet or be pushed. He walked himself (with direction) all the way back to their room. He hadn’t been shaved that day, he had spilled food on his pants and Mom seemed down and very tired. I was feeling sick inside and wishing that I could just take them back home and yet I knew that I couldn’t. We got them into their recliners and suggest that they take a nap and I would come back later. I went back later in the afternoon. I was still feeling awful about them being in this situation and for the first time since the process began earlier in the week, I broke down. During this time I received a phone call from our worship pastor at church who had experienced something quite similar with his father a couple of years ago. Just being with someone who knew what I was feeling even though there was nothing that he could do to change things, he just understood and listened to me cry out the feelings in my heart, was a release. (I am so incredibly thankful for God’s impeccable timing in this whole process.) When I got to the nursing home, my heaviness had lifted and I was able to go in with a lighter heart. When I got in there, they had napped and were feeling lighter hearted as well….at least Mom was. Dad is, more or less, just there. There may be things going on that he cannot articulate but this transition has really affected his dementia for now. He loves to listen to me talk to Mom and take everything in, but he communicates very little. Mom was telling me that she had gotten to play with clay in physical therapy that day. She said, “It was fun!” They had worked their legs in therapy the day before and on this day they had worked their hands. They had balls of clay with objects hidden in them that they needed to work out with their fingers. (They have been having therapy every day since the first full day they were admitted.)
The next thing that lifted my spirits was when the CNA came in to get them for supper. She brought in a contraption called a Stand Lift to get Dad out of his recliner into his wheel chair for supper. As I watched her do that I commented to Mom that they had equipment there that I didn’t have at home to do what needed to be done to care for Dad and I realized the truth in that….I couldn’t take him home and this is where he needs to be to get the care that is necessary. His pants had been bunched up in his crotch and I had tried to pull them down for him while sitting in the chair. When the CNA came to get him into the wheelchair with the lift, she pulled his pants straight for him when she stood him up before seating him again and after she seated him, she finger combed his hair in the back that was messed up from sitting in the chair. That gesture touched me so much that I commented on that in the meeting that we had the next day with all the department heads. I left there with such a sense of relief and peace. We all (Sam & I, Rosie & Jim) went to Sherri and Mark’s that evening for supper. That was the first time that we had been able to have a meal in their home since they moved in. What a fun time, except that I was very sleepy. It sees that the emotional strain had taken it’s toll and I was kind of crashing.
We had a meeting on the fourth day (Friday) to meet the department heads and plan for Mom and Dad and to share how we think they are doing. Rosie and Sherri attended with me. Again, I must say how very kind and helpful everyone is. (Mom keeps telling me, also, how kind everyone is to them). By the time we finished our meeting Mom and Dad were in therapy. The three of us hung out with them while finishing their therapy. Sherri and Mark left later in the afternoon for Chicago and then next week, (Wednesday) they will attend the court for the adoption proceedings for Marcia and Isaiah and then head home with the kids, Lord willing. (Again….the timing of this whole process is amazing). We all left to go get lunch and so Sherri could finish doing what she needed to do for the trip. Later that afternoon, we went back for a visit…three grandchildren and four of us “adults”. Dad loved to watching the kids…didn’t say much…but they both seemed to love the company. But Mom made a comment that was quite amazing. She told me about the lady across the hall from her. She is from England. She said that she had gone to visit with her and that she didn’t have people visiting her. She then told me that she could be a blessing here because of helping people who were lonely and by being kind to the staff. That was the coolest thing to see how she was beginning to acclimate and try to bloom where she’s been planted. They are learning the ropes and seeming to adjust really, really well!
Rosie and Jim looked at a house today (Saturday) while Sam and I took Briana to the airport. That was fun for me…to get to go through security with Briana and accompany her to the gate. Sam waited for me in the “courtyard”. We met Rosie and Jim at the nursing home with the kids to see Mom and Dad in the afternoon. Mom told us that Sherri had been there that morning while they were in therapy. I didn’t correct her and tell her that it happened that way the day before. So that could be a good brain thing….if you miss a day she might think that you WERE here that day while thinking of the day before. Sometimes dementia can be an asset!
Tomorrow is Father’s Day. Rosie and Jim are going to postpone their departure until after lunch. We will be eating Sonny’s together at the nursing home in the conference room/private dining room with Mom and Dad to celebrate the day. Mom keeps asking me about going to church with us. I’m just not sure how that is all going to work out. They have S.S. in the morning and then a church service in the afternoon at the nursing home. I suggested they wait and see how the routine goes.
Well, I am falling asleep again and I think that I have jabbered long enough. God is good, his timing is incredible and his strength is amazing. I am thankful for the answered prayer of “compassion without guilt”!
*****
June 18, 2009
This is my progress report concerning Mom and Dad’s admission to the nursing home on Tuesday. Tonight is the third night that they are spending in their new room at Doctors Lake Healthcare.
On Tuesday morning we were working to finish gathering all the things that we still needed to take over to the nursing home. I was trying to get Mom and Dad ready to go. We had planned to meet Shelly, the admissions director at 11:00am. So much for the best laid plans. It took longer than normal to get Dad finished with breakfast and into the bathroom to do his morning routine. When we were finally ready to leave, Dad would not get up from the chair. (Things were definitely a bit confusing as he had to sit in Mom’s chair because we had taken his to the nursing home the night before.) When we said it was time to go, he said that he needed to ask a question. “Why do we have to go somewhere else?” I tried to explain…again…that it was because I needed a chance to rest as my body was getting very tired. He looked at Rosie at some point and said, “she can do it.”
We got them into the car and Mom asked if this was it…were they coming back…and I said yes, for visits. She got teary eyed as she had been off and on for the past few days. Dad was very difficult to get in the car. Sam and Jim had gone on ahead to work on some things in their room so Rosie and I took Mom and Dad over. When we got to the home Dad would not get out of the car. I could tell that he was very upset. He then said…”you have been very unfair to us. You have made this decision without us!” I reminded him that I had talked to them about it and told them what was happening and why but he just didn’t remember. He finally did get out and walked to his new room with us using his walker. By the time we got to their room he was having trouble walking because his legs were so tired. Shelly was walking with us and told me later that she was concerned that he was a fall risk. They had their lunch in the room and then we met several different people and the nurse came in to do Dad’s intake information.
First of all, let me go back a little. Shortly after we arrived I met the nurse in charge of their room. She was very, very nice and her name was Gloria. I was told that the night nurse would be Grace. Later, when we met her, we found her to be such a sweet and pleasant person!! It occurred to me when I was told the nurse’s names that it was kind of cool that they were Grace and Gloria. As we were driving home that night and contemplating the day’s events, that particular fact really moved us. Jim noted later that there is an old song, “Where He Leads Me, I Will Follow”. One verse says, “He will give me grace and glory, He will give me grace and glory, and go with me all the way. What a comforting reminder.
Now, back to Dad’s intake information….we sat there as Gloria asked Dad the necessary questions. She asked him if he knew what day it was and after a few moments of blankness he stated that it was one day later than yesterday. He was asked how old he was and he said “200”. When asked what month it was he was totally blank so she hinted and said that it is the month of Father’s Day. He asked if we had passed March yet and when I said yes he told the nurse that it is a couple months past March. He didn’t get the month of his birthday correct but did get the day. When asked who the president is he answered, “John Blann”. (Pretty sure that was a cover up for his embarrassment of not knowing the answer). We told her that he HAD been a president….of a Bible College. During the process of doing the intake the nurse became teary. She tried to cover it up but finally told me that he reminded her of her Daddy. She kept telling me that they would be alright. Later, she came back to the room to see how I was doing and she told me the story of her father. She is from the Philippines and is the oldest of the children in her family. She has been in the states for 39 years and when her father became ill with dementia, her brothers cared for him. She wasn’t able to be there but would get updates and reports by phone. He has been gone for 10 years but she still grieves for him and the fact that she wasn’t with him to care for him. I told her that she could love my Daddy for me. What a gift to have that kind of compassion to care for my Dad the first day of his arrival at this new place.
The day progressed with lots of activity. The PT came in and walked with both of them to see where they were in their abilities. We all left about 4:30 and told them we would see them after supper. We went back with other stuff they needed and did more tweaking to the room. It is very cute and comfortable. Mom has been very confused, thinking that she needs to care for Dad. We have to keep reminding her that she is there to keep him company but that others must care for him. The staff said that she keeps trying to get him up and make him move and that concerns them. Today, I think that I may have gotten through to Mom that she must not try to get him up at any time.
On Wednesday, Rosie and Jim stopped in to visit Mom and Dad on their way out of town to St. Augustine for the day. (By the way, what an absolute gift from God that Rosie and Jim were able to work the timing to be here just when they were needed for this transition!!) They found Mom and Dad in the Activity Room listening to a man play the piano for the residents. They were sitting side by side, holding hands and Dad was beating time with his free hand. Mom kept talking about the song that she asked the pianist if he knew and that he played it for her! In the afternoon, I met with Shelly in Admissions and signed all the paperwork. My hand ached by the time we finished! I then met the business office ladies, the social worker and the Administrator. I had a nice time visiting with Mom and Dad after that.
Thursday, we got there as they were finishing lunch. Dad was taking longer than he should and that is because of his distraction in people watching. The nurse and Mom were suggesting that he eat in their room instead so that he could concentrate on eating but they really don’t want Mom to miss out on the social interaction. We (Rosie, Jim & I) took Mom and Dad back to their room. Mom uses the walker to walk around the facility and they have Dad in a wheel chair that he can maneuver with his feet or be pushed. He walked himself (with direction) all the way back to their room. He hadn’t been shaved that day, he had spilled food on his pants and Mom seemed down and very tired. I was feeling sick inside and wishing that I could just take them back home and yet I knew that I couldn’t. We got them into their recliners and suggest that they take a nap and I would come back later. I went back later in the afternoon. I was still feeling awful about them being in this situation and for the first time since the process began earlier in the week, I broke down. During this time I received a phone call from our worship pastor at church who had experienced something quite similar with his father a couple of years ago. Just being with someone who knew what I was feeling even though there was nothing that he could do to change things, he just understood and listened to me cry out the feelings in my heart, was a release. (I am so incredibly thankful for God’s impeccable timing in this whole process.) When I got to the nursing home, my heaviness had lifted and I was able to go in with a lighter heart. When I got in there, they had napped and were feeling lighter hearted as well….at least Mom was. Dad is, more or less, just there. There may be things going on that he cannot articulate but this transition has really affected his dementia for now. He loves to listen to me talk to Mom and take everything in, but he communicates very little. Mom was telling me that she had gotten to play with clay in physical therapy that day. She said, “It was fun!” They had worked their legs in therapy the day before and on this day they had worked their hands. They had balls of clay with objects hidden in them that they needed to work out with their fingers. (They have been having therapy every day since the first full day they were admitted.)
The next thing that lifted my spirits was when the CNA came in to get them for supper. She brought in a contraption called a Stand Lift to get Dad out of his recliner into his wheel chair for supper. As I watched her do that I commented to Mom that they had equipment there that I didn’t have at home to do what needed to be done to care for Dad and I realized the truth in that….I couldn’t take him home and this is where he needs to be to get the care that is necessary. His pants had been bunched up in his crotch and I had tried to pull them down for him while sitting in the chair. When the CNA came to get him into the wheelchair with the lift, she pulled his pants straight for him when she stood him up before seating him again and after she seated him, she finger combed his hair in the back that was messed up from sitting in the chair. That gesture touched me so much that I commented on that in the meeting that we had the next day with all the department heads. I left there with such a sense of relief and peace. We all (Sam & I, Rosie & Jim) went to Sherri and Mark’s that evening for supper. That was the first time that we had been able to have a meal in their home since they moved in. What a fun time, except that I was very sleepy. It sees that the emotional strain had taken it’s toll and I was kind of crashing.
We had a meeting on the fourth day (Friday) to meet the department heads and plan for Mom and Dad and to share how we think they are doing. Rosie and Sherri attended with me. Again, I must say how very kind and helpful everyone is. (Mom keeps telling me, also, how kind everyone is to them). By the time we finished our meeting Mom and Dad were in therapy. The three of us hung out with them while finishing their therapy. Sherri and Mark left later in the afternoon for Chicago and then next week, (Wednesday) they will attend the court for the adoption proceedings for Marcia and Isaiah and then head home with the kids, Lord willing. (Again….the timing of this whole process is amazing). We all left to go get lunch and so Sherri could finish doing what she needed to do for the trip. Later that afternoon, we went back for a visit…three grandchildren and four of us “adults”. Dad loved to watching the kids…didn’t say much…but they both seemed to love the company. But Mom made a comment that was quite amazing. She told me about the lady across the hall from her. She is from England. She said that she had gone to visit with her and that she didn’t have people visiting her. She then told me that she could be a blessing here because of helping people who were lonely and by being kind to the staff. That was the coolest thing to see how she was beginning to acclimate and try to bloom where she’s been planted. They are learning the ropes and seeming to adjust really, really well!
Rosie and Jim looked at a house today (Saturday) while Sam and I took Briana to the airport. That was fun for me…to get to go through security with Briana and accompany her to the gate. Sam waited for me in the “courtyard”. We met Rosie and Jim at the nursing home with the kids to see Mom and Dad in the afternoon. Mom told us that Sherri had been there that morning while they were in therapy. I didn’t correct her and tell her that it happened that way the day before. So that could be a good brain thing….if you miss a day she might think that you WERE here that day while thinking of the day before. Sometimes dementia can be an asset!
Tomorrow is Father’s Day. Rosie and Jim are going to postpone their departure until after lunch. We will be eating Sonny’s together at the nursing home in the conference room/private dining room with Mom and Dad to celebrate the day. Mom keeps asking me about going to church with us. I’m just not sure how that is all going to work out. They have S.S. in the morning and then a church service in the afternoon at the nursing home. I suggested they wait and see how the routine goes.
Well, I am falling asleep again and I think that I have jabbered long enough. God is good, his timing is incredible and his strength is amazing. I am thankful for the answered prayer of “compassion without guilt”!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
The long goodbye
I am so sad tonight. Today I left Mom at the nursing home after a visit and was filled with so many emotions. The main one I recognized was guilt. Guilt is a close friend of mine…I know it quite well. The dictionary on my computer gives one definition of guilt as “a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation”. That’s it! That’s what has been plaguing me.
Mom has roommate issues again. Add to that the grieving that takes place because of the loss of her beloved husband…add to THAT the dementia that is taking more and more of her mind and we have a confused and troubled person. Enter, stage right, the daughter who has a built in desire to fix everything and keep everyone she loves, happy. This daughter has entered a stage that she cannot fix, cannot change and she is still also working through the loss of HER beloved Daddy.
Earlier this evening I made a phone call. The dear person on the other end of the line listened a lot and then helped me to focus on some things. During the course of the conversation I realized again that a lot of my problem is that I am grieving deeply the loss of my mother as well as my Dad. Many months ago, as I watched Dad decline so greatly, I realized how much that Mom had sacrificed doing a lot of things that she wanted to do because of Daddy. She would talk to me of specific things that she would enjoy doing but she wouldn’t do them because it may take her away from him or make him feel left out. I imagined all the things that we could do together when Dad passed away. (Not that I was wishing him gone, you understand, but just thinking realistically about when that time would come.) Now he’s gone and she can’t do them or has no desire to.
Back to where I began…I left Mom at the nursing home as was filled with so many emotions…
Guilt! But why? It’s not my fault that Mom’s mind is deteriorating the way it is. I didn’t do it to her! It began long before the nursing home entered the picture! The social worker at the facility where Mom lives told me yesterday that losing a spouse can plummet the dementia decline. I didn’t end Dad’s life! Yesterday when Mom was voicing her concerns about her roommate, I asked if she would like to come home for the day and hang out here. She was very excited about that. She brought her reading material and her word find book. When it was lunchtime I went and got her favorite, Chick-Fil-A. She ate very little but enjoyed a hearty bowl of ice cream! She went back to reading and a little while later was in tears. She had picked up a book on grief. She told me that she had been sure she was “on top of things”. After we talked a few minutes, she asked if I was ready to take her back. She told me that she wanted to go back because she had things to do there and it kept her mind off of things. I took her back. Others in the family have talked about how it is probably easier for her to be there than at home. Here at home, where she spent the past two years living with Daddy, are constant reminders of that fact that he is no longer here. I feel guilty, why??
There is a book entitled “The Long Goodbye”, by Patti Davis in which she talks about her father's Alzheimer disease. I was reminded tonight, during my phone conversation, of that phrase, the long goodbye. That’s where I am with Mom. I am already saying goodbye. The guilt that make me want to bring her home and try to help restore her mind is that part of me that wants to fix things. And I can’t fix things. I can’t turn back time for Mom and her mind. I can’t bring Dad back. Bringing her home won’t make her mind get better. I can’t slow down the dementia process.
It has been suggested that maybe I feel guilt because of being away on vacation when things started to go really bad for Dad. I have strongly denied that I feel any guilt in that regard. What I feel is that God gave me an incredible gift, knowing as He did, what I was getting ready to face when I got home. When we went on that vacation, I was at the bottom of my barrel of strength, energy and mental stamina. It was just enough to help me get through the next few weeks. That brings me to Mom being in the nursing home.
It has also been suggested that God gave me a gift by working things out for both of my parents to be placed together in a facility before Dad passed away. Dad’s most dire need of extra care led them there together because I wouldn’t/couldn’t separate them. Mom became used to it, made friends, got involved with activities and trusts her caregivers. Can I accept this as a gift from God and embrace it equally as well as the week He gave me before Dad died? I’m going to work on it!
Mom has roommate issues again. Add to that the grieving that takes place because of the loss of her beloved husband…add to THAT the dementia that is taking more and more of her mind and we have a confused and troubled person. Enter, stage right, the daughter who has a built in desire to fix everything and keep everyone she loves, happy. This daughter has entered a stage that she cannot fix, cannot change and she is still also working through the loss of HER beloved Daddy.
Earlier this evening I made a phone call. The dear person on the other end of the line listened a lot and then helped me to focus on some things. During the course of the conversation I realized again that a lot of my problem is that I am grieving deeply the loss of my mother as well as my Dad. Many months ago, as I watched Dad decline so greatly, I realized how much that Mom had sacrificed doing a lot of things that she wanted to do because of Daddy. She would talk to me of specific things that she would enjoy doing but she wouldn’t do them because it may take her away from him or make him feel left out. I imagined all the things that we could do together when Dad passed away. (Not that I was wishing him gone, you understand, but just thinking realistically about when that time would come.) Now he’s gone and she can’t do them or has no desire to.
Back to where I began…I left Mom at the nursing home as was filled with so many emotions…
Guilt! But why? It’s not my fault that Mom’s mind is deteriorating the way it is. I didn’t do it to her! It began long before the nursing home entered the picture! The social worker at the facility where Mom lives told me yesterday that losing a spouse can plummet the dementia decline. I didn’t end Dad’s life! Yesterday when Mom was voicing her concerns about her roommate, I asked if she would like to come home for the day and hang out here. She was very excited about that. She brought her reading material and her word find book. When it was lunchtime I went and got her favorite, Chick-Fil-A. She ate very little but enjoyed a hearty bowl of ice cream! She went back to reading and a little while later was in tears. She had picked up a book on grief. She told me that she had been sure she was “on top of things”. After we talked a few minutes, she asked if I was ready to take her back. She told me that she wanted to go back because she had things to do there and it kept her mind off of things. I took her back. Others in the family have talked about how it is probably easier for her to be there than at home. Here at home, where she spent the past two years living with Daddy, are constant reminders of that fact that he is no longer here. I feel guilty, why??
There is a book entitled “The Long Goodbye”, by Patti Davis in which she talks about her father's Alzheimer disease. I was reminded tonight, during my phone conversation, of that phrase, the long goodbye. That’s where I am with Mom. I am already saying goodbye. The guilt that make me want to bring her home and try to help restore her mind is that part of me that wants to fix things. And I can’t fix things. I can’t turn back time for Mom and her mind. I can’t bring Dad back. Bringing her home won’t make her mind get better. I can’t slow down the dementia process.
It has been suggested that maybe I feel guilt because of being away on vacation when things started to go really bad for Dad. I have strongly denied that I feel any guilt in that regard. What I feel is that God gave me an incredible gift, knowing as He did, what I was getting ready to face when I got home. When we went on that vacation, I was at the bottom of my barrel of strength, energy and mental stamina. It was just enough to help me get through the next few weeks. That brings me to Mom being in the nursing home.
It has also been suggested that God gave me a gift by working things out for both of my parents to be placed together in a facility before Dad passed away. Dad’s most dire need of extra care led them there together because I wouldn’t/couldn’t separate them. Mom became used to it, made friends, got involved with activities and trusts her caregivers. Can I accept this as a gift from God and embrace it equally as well as the week He gave me before Dad died? I’m going to work on it!
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