It has been a little over a week since Mom’s body stopped working and she entered into her rest. The day before she passed away I had an incredible experience that I am finally read to write about. First, though, let me tell you about a sweet time I had the day before that.
I was sitting beside her bed, grieving the impending loss. I told Mom (just as I had told Dad before he died) that I couldn’t fix this. That only Jesus could fix it by taking her home to Himself. As I cried and shared my heart with Mom, while my head was bent close to hers, she weakly lifted her hand to touch my cheek. She was barely able to speak at this point but the gesture was one of such love and her final act of mothering me.
Sherri (my niece) had been on vacation and had arrived home late Friday night. She was anxious to get back to be with Grandma and said she would meet me early Saturday at the nursing home. After catching her up to speed in the morning, I left to go home and get some things done that were in need of doing. When I returned in the afternoon, a very dear friend went with me. While our husbands relaxed together at our home, Kathy and I sat together with Mom.
Let me digress a moment and talk about the caregivers at Doctors Lake Healthcare. Especially in the final month of Mom’s life we found that the schedule was such that we had some of the most loving and compassionate caregivers that one could ever hope to have. These people were so loved by Mom that in her weakest state she would still say thank-you whenever they took care of her personal needs and would reach up to hug them. One dear nursing assistant would tell Mom that she was “our princess, our queen.” She told Mom that “you bless us and we love you”!
Now, back to my story. Kathy and I left to go meet our husbands for dinner. Mirose, the nursing assistant, said she would be watching over Mom while we were gone. After dinner, Kathy and I returned to the nursing home to sit with Mom. Upon our return, Mirose met us in the hall and told us that she and another CNA, Marie, had bathed Mom while we were gone and had shaved her face and put lotion on her dry skin. She said, “come see, come see!” They had changed her sheets and had her surrounded with pillows. We walked into the room and I cried. What they had done was such an incredible act of love. It made me think of a foot washing ceremony or when Jesus’ feet were anointed with the fragrant oil. I was so moved by their compassion.
The last thing that Mom had said to anyone that day was “Hi” to Sherri in the morning. She had not responded to anyone anymore that day. As we sat beside her bed, I laid my head on her bedrail and prayed. Kathy prayed beside me. After a few minutes of prayer I stood and kissed Mom’s forehead and told her goodnight. As I stood beside her and cried I began to feel a strange sensation in my chest – a heaviness of sorts. I wondered if she was getting ready to pass right then. Before long I felt as if the heaviness was grabbed away from me – if I were talking to you directly I would say that it went whoosh! Away from my chest.
I sat down on the chair and looked at Kathy and said, “I think it’s going to be soon. She’s going home soon!” Kathy responded that she had that same feeling. I then told her that “I’m not supposed to be here – I’m not going to be with her when she passes”. I felt an urgency to leave. I told her, “it’s time to go. We need to leave. I think I’m done here.” Kathy looked at me and said, “you sure”? I said, “yes, we need to go. I’m done here.” The sense that I needed to leave and that I was finished in the room was palpable.
We stood up and walked to the foot of her bed. Actually, we were leaning up against the cupboards on the wall away from her bed. We just stood there, with tears in our eyes and looked at Mom lying there in the bed. As I watched the bed I had an overwhelming sensation that there was no longer any space around Mom’s bed for us to stand. We were backed up away from her bed and I had a sense that her bed was surrounded. I looked at Kathy and said that the song “Standing on Holy Ground” came to mind at that moment. Then I immediately remembered another song that I hadn’t heard in at least 30 years. I said to Kathy, “You know how songs always come to my mind for situations? Well, one I used to sing in Youth Camp just came to me.” I cried as I said the words. -----The windows of heaven are open,
The blessings are falling tonight.
There’s joy, joy, joy in my soul,
Since Jesus made everything right.
I gave up my old tattered garment (I thought of her
fleshly body)
HE gave me a robe of pure white. (a new body)
I’m feasting on manna from heaven
And that’s why I’m happy tonight!
It was an incredibly beautiful time. God’s presence was so real in that room. I knew that Mom was safe in God’s hands and I knew that He had show me that I wasn’t going to be with her when she passed away. I felt equally as sure that I was done in that room. We left the room and I had such an incredible sense of peace. I slept with my phone beside me that night because I was sure that I was going to get a call during the night that Mom had passed. Sherri and I had made plans that she would do the early shift with Mom the next morning. I awoke Sunday morning surprised and totally confused to find that Mom was still with us. I knew that I had felt that I was done and I didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense. I didn’t want to go in – I had said my goodnight and was totally at peace and I knew that God had showed me that I wouldn’t be with her when she took her last breath. It wouldn’t make sense to anyone that thought I was done. Now I was a mess. I sobbed and sobbed. I told Sam that I didn’t want to go in to the nursing home. I was so confused. I had not shared the story of what had happened in Mom’s room with Rosie and Jim. Rosie’s dog had died the night before. After praying for wisdom, I chose not to share the details of my experience with her that night. So now it was time to tell them. As I shared the experience, things started to make sense. And it has made more sense as the days have passed. I realized that I had to go in to the nursing home because it was the right thing to do. People wouldn’t understand my absence and I still had responsibilities. It was Sunday morning and I had planned to go to church and then go relieve Sherri at the nursing home. Being such an emotional wreck because of my confusion and not wanting to answer questions at church I decided to stay home. Sitting at the table mid-morning I suddenly had this urge to get to the nursing home. Don’t take time to get a shower, just get dressed and go. Weird. Earlier I didn’t want to go and now I HAD to go. (Understand that God had been leading me since urging us to come home early from our vacation. I had prayed that He would continue to guide me so that we would know when we should be with Mom. We had not stayed with her at night and I wanted to be sure to be with her when we needed to be. I trusted that God would guide my spirit as He had before.) Not knowing why I had the urgency to go, I just did it.
Almost immediately after arriving, I discovered that another dear resident had passed away a few hours earlier. I walked out into the hall to talk to someone and ran into a nursing assistant that hugged me and told me that I shouldn’t have any regrets because I had always been there for my Mom. She was crying because of the loss of the other patient and said that she wanted to go in to see my Mom but didn’t want to go in without me. She grabbed tight to my hand and we walked into the room together.
It struck me that I was totally disconnected from Mom. I was totally at peace and had no need to go near her bed or to touch her. Sherri and I sat in the room together for a few hours but I was not near her head or close to her at all. I had no need to kiss her or touch her. I had a total disconnect all day. I kept taking walks and visiting with staff and residents throughout the day. I still knew that I wasn’t going to be in the room when she passed away so I wanted to give her a chance to go by being out of the room. Sherri left sometime in the middle of the afternoon and vacated the comfy recliner that she had been sitting in. Sitting in the recliner put one close to Mom’s head. This had been my seat of choice in the days leading up to this day. I wanted the comfy seat but I couldn’t sit in it where it was. I slid it all the way up away from the bed to the corner by her wardrobe – as far away as I could get it from the bed! For me, there was an invisible barrier. I couldn’t be physically close to her anymore.
About an hour later the Hospice nurse came to check on her. Given the changes that had taken place, she told me that it wouldn’t be much longer now. We had a great time visiting together. She left and I texted the family that it wouldn’t be much longer. Rosie came to the nursing home and I decided to go home to get supper since I hadn’t had lunch. Upon my arrival at home I decided that I needed to get the shower that I had missed in the morning. After showering, I ate my supper and headed back to the nursing home. I called my brother on the way back and talked to him the entire drive and in the parking lot at the nursing home. Sherri had returned to the nursing home before me having finished supper first. (Remember, I got a shower and it took longer.) I was sitting in the parking lot on the phone with Rich when Sherri called me. I switched over to her and she asked where I was and I told her. She said, “Come inside”. Mom had just taken her last breath. I was right where I needed to be. Just outside the door, ready to go inside and finish my responsibilities. My gift had been the night before. Sherri’s gift had been to be with Mom when she drew her final breaths. Sherri had also been with my Dad, her Grandpa, and I had been down the hall at the Hospice facility. She said later, “I feel guilty that I was the one with her.” I could assure her, without a doubt, that she had no reason to feel guilty. God had given me my special spiritual encounter the night before and hers had been with Grandma tonight. I had struggled with wondering why God had not allowed me to be with Dad when he passed away, all the time knowing that God ways are better than our ways. But this time, I knew beforehand that I wouldn’t be there and I knew that it was God’s plan and I had such an incredible peace. If I hadn’t taken that shower, I would have been back and mostly likely in the room. This was one more time that I knew God had been directing my path to have me where He wanted me.
After sharing the story of my experience a few times and after a few days to ponder I have come to an understanding of what took place in Mom’s room that night. I believe with all my heart that God took my cloak of responsibility from me at the moment that the heaviness went whoosh! My job was done – I had no more to do there and Mom was totally in God’s hands – the rest of the work was entirely His. There was nothing more for me to do for her. The peace He gave me that day has carried me through. Yes, at times the sadness overwhelms. There are times that it just doesn’t seem possible that I won’t see Mom anymore on this earth. But the fact remains… God has given me a peace that passes understanding. My Dad often closed his prayers asking God to help us live in such a way that we would have His smile of approval upon us. I feel His smile of approval in my heart. And for that I am so deeply thankful. Peace, peace, wonderful peace!
