I have searched back through the blog and cannot find anywhere that I have shared the scripture song that I listened to over and over as a source of strength in the days before moving Mom and Dad to the nursing home. I was reminded of this and I was shutting my computer down and getting ready to go to bed. I am listening to it again as I write. I simply cannot go to sleep until I share this great gift to my mind from God. I asked, He answered. The song is by John Michael Talbot and is entitled Psalm 62.
Only in God is my soul at rest, in Him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock, my strength and my salvation.
My stronghold, my Saviour,
I shall not be afraid at all.
My stronghold, my saviour, I shall not be moved!
Only in God is found safety, when the enemy pursues me.
Only in God is found glory, I am found meek and found lowly.
My stronghold my saviour, I shall not be afraid at all,
My stronghold, my saviour, I shall not be moved.
Only in God is my soul at rest in him comes my salvation.
I will rest in Him.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The mental battle...again
I don’t know what to do. Lord, you say that if we don’t have wisdom that we should just ask. I’m asking. Please! I don’t know where to go next with Mom. My heart aches. She is so confused. (I am writing this while sitting in the AM church service.) Pastor David talked about an insane person during the message. (My mind has gone away from the message and into my own struggle). Dealing with someone so confused who thinks that they are not or, rather, you want to believe that they are not - - it messes with one’s own head. (Wow, after reading this back, I can sure tell my head is messed up!) ☺
One of the songs we sang this morning in church, “You alone are God, you alone are sovereign…through the storms of life, I will trust your promise. Everything thing works together for our good.” That’s not just my good but Mom’s too. Lord, please show me – use me as you need to for Mom’s good. I am just not sure what that is. The scripture of the day was meant for a different sermon than the one I heard in my head as I wrote and thought. (Romans 8:19-28) Amazing how that works.
It is truly agony to watch your parent slowly lose their mind to dementia. Then there is the internal battle against listening to the lie that it is somehow caused by something I’ve done or a decision I’ve made on her behalf.
Being taught all your life that others are first – the old saying of “God, others and you” -- where does taking care of me, protecting my own mind, my own sanity come in?? How does this happen? How is it biblical? Not how does it look for anyone else but for me? Uniquely me? (Dad loved that word, used it a lot – unique.) I struggle with her being in the nursing home. Especially when she tells me that she misses me and wishes she could be with me all the time. When she tells me that she knows I have other business to do besides visiting my mother.
I’m back to where I started at the beginning of this. I need wisdom, clear direction. What’s happening to my Mother’s mind? Is this just where she is going and has been going for some time? Is it made worse by her intense grief at Dad’s passing? Is she even aware of the grief? A couple of weeks ago she was talking to her brother on the phone for the first time in several weeks. She just kept talking about their Dad and all the things about him and their old home. Nothing about her husband and missing him.
Last weekend I had Mom here at home for several hours on Sat. & Sun. By the time that we were headed back to the facility, I was mentally exhausted. As we were driving back and I was thinking about where I was emotionally and wondering why, I was reminded of a story I had read about Corrie Ten Boom. It’s a story that I have used over and over before. She talks about grace being like the train ticket that her father held for her when she was a child. He kept it for her until it was time to hand it to the conductor. God gives us the grace to face the things He allows to happen in our lives when we need it. I felt like my grace ticket for full-time caregiving had expired. This may not be such great theology but it was as if God was saying to me that the reason it had expired was because it was no longer my job.
Come to think of it, maybe Pastor David’s message was on target for me. He talked about how the enemy lies to us to keep us in the past with our failures and sins. Maybe my struggle is because the enemy keeps trying to trick my mind into forgetting the way that God has worked out the situation already. God has already removed the load and I keep trying to take it back up because I feel guilty. (Guilt- A feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.) Interesting. I surely don’t want to be a failure in my obligation to care for my mother. Someone once said, “don’t doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light.” Now if I could just have the confidence that I HAVE been shown and to walk in it and trust the Sovereign God to care for and protect my mother.
Several months ago I prayed for compassion without guilt. I think that it’s time to go there again. Lord, grant me compassion without guilt.
One of the songs we sang this morning in church, “You alone are God, you alone are sovereign…through the storms of life, I will trust your promise. Everything thing works together for our good.” That’s not just my good but Mom’s too. Lord, please show me – use me as you need to for Mom’s good. I am just not sure what that is. The scripture of the day was meant for a different sermon than the one I heard in my head as I wrote and thought. (Romans 8:19-28) Amazing how that works.
It is truly agony to watch your parent slowly lose their mind to dementia. Then there is the internal battle against listening to the lie that it is somehow caused by something I’ve done or a decision I’ve made on her behalf.
Being taught all your life that others are first – the old saying of “God, others and you” -- where does taking care of me, protecting my own mind, my own sanity come in?? How does this happen? How is it biblical? Not how does it look for anyone else but for me? Uniquely me? (Dad loved that word, used it a lot – unique.) I struggle with her being in the nursing home. Especially when she tells me that she misses me and wishes she could be with me all the time. When she tells me that she knows I have other business to do besides visiting my mother.
I’m back to where I started at the beginning of this. I need wisdom, clear direction. What’s happening to my Mother’s mind? Is this just where she is going and has been going for some time? Is it made worse by her intense grief at Dad’s passing? Is she even aware of the grief? A couple of weeks ago she was talking to her brother on the phone for the first time in several weeks. She just kept talking about their Dad and all the things about him and their old home. Nothing about her husband and missing him.
Last weekend I had Mom here at home for several hours on Sat. & Sun. By the time that we were headed back to the facility, I was mentally exhausted. As we were driving back and I was thinking about where I was emotionally and wondering why, I was reminded of a story I had read about Corrie Ten Boom. It’s a story that I have used over and over before. She talks about grace being like the train ticket that her father held for her when she was a child. He kept it for her until it was time to hand it to the conductor. God gives us the grace to face the things He allows to happen in our lives when we need it. I felt like my grace ticket for full-time caregiving had expired. This may not be such great theology but it was as if God was saying to me that the reason it had expired was because it was no longer my job.
Come to think of it, maybe Pastor David’s message was on target for me. He talked about how the enemy lies to us to keep us in the past with our failures and sins. Maybe my struggle is because the enemy keeps trying to trick my mind into forgetting the way that God has worked out the situation already. God has already removed the load and I keep trying to take it back up because I feel guilty. (Guilt- A feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.) Interesting. I surely don’t want to be a failure in my obligation to care for my mother. Someone once said, “don’t doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light.” Now if I could just have the confidence that I HAVE been shown and to walk in it and trust the Sovereign God to care for and protect my mother.
Several months ago I prayed for compassion without guilt. I think that it’s time to go there again. Lord, grant me compassion without guilt.
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