67 years ago today Henry John Blann and Eva Isabel Robbins were united in marriage. That began an adventure together that would take them to Africa and back three times, the birth of four children and subsequently 17 grandchildren and 23 great grandchildren. They lived in Indiana where their four children grew to adulthood and then lived in Pennsylvania, New York, Pennsylvania again and Maryland. Eight years ago, in August of 2001, they moved to Florida to be near me, their daughter, who had offered many times for them to make this change so that I would be able to care for them as they aged into role changing. That is, when the parent becomes the child and the child becomes the parent.
Theirs was a wonderful marriage of giving to one another, protecting and honoring each other. My mother prayed for years that God would take Dad home first. She felt that he so depended on her that if she were to go first that he wouldn’t be able to make it without her. God answered her prayer and took Dad home to heaven 4 months ago. She had no idea of the grief and loneliness that she would face as a result of that answered prayer. I have realized more than ever in these past four months how much my Dad actually protected and cared for her. His encouragement and support at times when her perfectionist nature would threaten to consume her were what she needed to balance things in her mind. As his dementia increased, that became more my role in her life.
She has just recently begun to talk about him and repeat memories that she has. These are usually triggered by sights she recognizes as we ride in the car. She will begin to cry and then apologize. This is the point when I remind her that it is normal and healthy to cry. Her dementia has increased greatly since Dad’s passing and I am sure that this is partially as a result of grief. How could one not greatly grieve the loss of someone that you have spent your whole life with – the other side of yourself?
Dementia has robbed me (and all those who have loved my parents) of the bright, wise and sharp-witted minds of these two special people. I am thankful beyond measure for the years that I did have with them and the benefits that I have reaped because of that blessing on my life. While my mother is more like a little girl at most times, her sweetness and her loving and caring nature continues to show through in many ways. Those who care for her daily have obviously come to love her. Many have made comments to me regarding her sweet nature. She continues to minister to others through her Christ-likeness. I asked her the other day about something that a nurse told me she had done (a kind gesture for another resident) she didn’t remember at all about doing it. I guess that it just comes naturally at this point! ☺ Oh, to be so naturally kind and compassionate that when I no longer have a clear mind that I would respond in kindness without thinking as Mom does.
I am blessed, as are my siblings, to have been loved, nurtured, disciplined, encouraged, rebuked, loved and encouraged (duplication not by accident) by these two imperfect people who strove for Godly perfection throughout their lives.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
METAMORPHOSIS
Metamorphosis – a change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one, by natural or supernatural means.
This is a story that has been bubbling in my mind and heart for over three months now. It has been four months since my beloved “Daddy” had a “change of form”, so to speak. A couple of days after he passed away, my sister, her husband and I were standing in my kitchen. Rosie glanced out the glass door of the kitchen and saw a large, beautiful butterfly on the screen of the porch and pointed it out to me. I glanced at it and under my breath, without thinking, whispered, “hi Daddy”. I told no one of my reaction for a few days fearing they might think that I had flipped my lid or was seriously screwed up in my theology.
A few days later I shared this experience with my sister who probably tried very hard not to raise her eyebrows at me. It puzzled me as to why I reacted this way and I wondered as to what possible meaning it could have…this spontaneous reaction of talking to the butterfly and addressing it as “Daddy”.
One thing that helped me feel a little less spooked by my reaction was one of the grief booklets that I read. The following paragraph spoke to me and helped me understand that my reaction was quite normal.
“Many who grieve report unexplainable experiences that suggest a feeling of connectedness with a loved one who has died. Some understand these to be normal perceptions that occur for a time following a death, while others believe them to be magical or spiritual occurrences.”
When I read that, I felt a little better about what had happened and realized that this was not an unusual occurrence and I wasn’t losing my mind but still I wondered about the significance of it or if there was even any significance. A few weeks later I was driving with my daughter and at a stoplight I noticed that the car in front of us had a butterfly on the license plate. As we drew closer I discovered that it was a Florida specialty plate for Hospice. I was stunned. I had no idea at this point that the butterfly is used as a symbol by many hospice societies world-wide. I have no idea if the hospice facility where Dad was at the end uses the butterfly or not. It was not something that I noticed at the time we were there.
The loss of my father after years of caring for him and for my mother has had a profound impact on me. I have struggled at times with guilt…well, lots of times. I have second guessed myself and the decisions we made and continue to make on behalf of Mom. The roles are definitely reversed…I have become my mother’s Mom. She has even introduced me at times as her mother. The last time she realized her mistake and corrected herself. Getting off track here – back to the butterflies!
The whole butterfly thing intrigued me. At every turn I kept seeing butterflies. I even ordered a new pair of shoes on line and they came with a butterfly picture. What was I supposed to be learning from all of this? I started spending hours researching.
Like the butterfly, hospice is a symbol of transformation. They help people make the most important transformation in life, and help them find hope even in the process of dying. That was definitely true for our family. Hospice helped us in the education of what was happening and what to expect to helping make Dad’s last days as comfortable as possible.
Butterflies have been a part of many legends. They are symbolic and carry significant meaning in many cultures. In many Native American Tribes butterflies are a symbol of rebirth, regeneration, happiness, and joy.
Butterflies have a multi-stage life cycle; beginning with a larvae stage and ending with the spectacular metamorphose into a colorful winged adult form. Some people think of this cycle as similar to the human life cycle. The concept is that we are born into this world and leave this world, metamorphosing into a new and beautiful spiritual world, free of pain and suffering. I have the assurance that my Dad, whose heart belonged fully to his Savior and Lord, Jesus, did, in fact, metamorphose in to a new life and a new body.
Another grief booklet reads, “Search your own memory for an image or object that was special to your loved one, or that helps you bring your loved one to mind……find a way to hold onto that special “icon,” and let it bring you comfort and joy.” For me, it is the butterfly. As I look back to the day that I saw the butterfly on the screen, my conclusion is that God knew how much I had just gone through and what I was facing in the days ahead. It was such a sweet reminder that Dad is safely with Jesus and that my Heavenly Father is watching over me, guiding me and loving me as I continue on in my responsibilities of caring for my Dad's beloved wife that he struggled with leaving behind.
Psalm 30:11,12
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, that my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever. (NASV)
Praise God, my Dad’s mourning in the loss of his mind and body has now turned into dancing. He is in the presence of Jesus and he is singing and dancing in his new body and with his new mind.
In all my researching on this subject, I discovered that a very common practice with Hospice facilities is to have a butterfly release as fund-raisers and as memorials for loved ones who have passed on. We are having a family memorial for Dad over the Thanksgiving holiday. There will be almost 50 immediate family members present to celebrate Dad’s life. I’d love to do a butterfly release at that time. I think that it would be a beautiful and fun experience.
This is a story that has been bubbling in my mind and heart for over three months now. It has been four months since my beloved “Daddy” had a “change of form”, so to speak. A couple of days after he passed away, my sister, her husband and I were standing in my kitchen. Rosie glanced out the glass door of the kitchen and saw a large, beautiful butterfly on the screen of the porch and pointed it out to me. I glanced at it and under my breath, without thinking, whispered, “hi Daddy”. I told no one of my reaction for a few days fearing they might think that I had flipped my lid or was seriously screwed up in my theology.
A few days later I shared this experience with my sister who probably tried very hard not to raise her eyebrows at me. It puzzled me as to why I reacted this way and I wondered as to what possible meaning it could have…this spontaneous reaction of talking to the butterfly and addressing it as “Daddy”.
One thing that helped me feel a little less spooked by my reaction was one of the grief booklets that I read. The following paragraph spoke to me and helped me understand that my reaction was quite normal.
“Many who grieve report unexplainable experiences that suggest a feeling of connectedness with a loved one who has died. Some understand these to be normal perceptions that occur for a time following a death, while others believe them to be magical or spiritual occurrences.”
When I read that, I felt a little better about what had happened and realized that this was not an unusual occurrence and I wasn’t losing my mind but still I wondered about the significance of it or if there was even any significance. A few weeks later I was driving with my daughter and at a stoplight I noticed that the car in front of us had a butterfly on the license plate. As we drew closer I discovered that it was a Florida specialty plate for Hospice. I was stunned. I had no idea at this point that the butterfly is used as a symbol by many hospice societies world-wide. I have no idea if the hospice facility where Dad was at the end uses the butterfly or not. It was not something that I noticed at the time we were there.
The loss of my father after years of caring for him and for my mother has had a profound impact on me. I have struggled at times with guilt…well, lots of times. I have second guessed myself and the decisions we made and continue to make on behalf of Mom. The roles are definitely reversed…I have become my mother’s Mom. She has even introduced me at times as her mother. The last time she realized her mistake and corrected herself. Getting off track here – back to the butterflies!
The whole butterfly thing intrigued me. At every turn I kept seeing butterflies. I even ordered a new pair of shoes on line and they came with a butterfly picture. What was I supposed to be learning from all of this? I started spending hours researching.
Like the butterfly, hospice is a symbol of transformation. They help people make the most important transformation in life, and help them find hope even in the process of dying. That was definitely true for our family. Hospice helped us in the education of what was happening and what to expect to helping make Dad’s last days as comfortable as possible.
Butterflies have been a part of many legends. They are symbolic and carry significant meaning in many cultures. In many Native American Tribes butterflies are a symbol of rebirth, regeneration, happiness, and joy.
Butterflies have a multi-stage life cycle; beginning with a larvae stage and ending with the spectacular metamorphose into a colorful winged adult form. Some people think of this cycle as similar to the human life cycle. The concept is that we are born into this world and leave this world, metamorphosing into a new and beautiful spiritual world, free of pain and suffering. I have the assurance that my Dad, whose heart belonged fully to his Savior and Lord, Jesus, did, in fact, metamorphose in to a new life and a new body.
Another grief booklet reads, “Search your own memory for an image or object that was special to your loved one, or that helps you bring your loved one to mind……find a way to hold onto that special “icon,” and let it bring you comfort and joy.” For me, it is the butterfly. As I look back to the day that I saw the butterfly on the screen, my conclusion is that God knew how much I had just gone through and what I was facing in the days ahead. It was such a sweet reminder that Dad is safely with Jesus and that my Heavenly Father is watching over me, guiding me and loving me as I continue on in my responsibilities of caring for my Dad's beloved wife that he struggled with leaving behind.
Psalm 30:11,12
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, that my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever. (NASV)
Praise God, my Dad’s mourning in the loss of his mind and body has now turned into dancing. He is in the presence of Jesus and he is singing and dancing in his new body and with his new mind.
In all my researching on this subject, I discovered that a very common practice with Hospice facilities is to have a butterfly release as fund-raisers and as memorials for loved ones who have passed on. We are having a family memorial for Dad over the Thanksgiving holiday. There will be almost 50 immediate family members present to celebrate Dad’s life. I’d love to do a butterfly release at that time. I think that it would be a beautiful and fun experience.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Woah!! God's reminder!
I have searched back through the blog and cannot find anywhere that I have shared the scripture song that I listened to over and over as a source of strength in the days before moving Mom and Dad to the nursing home. I was reminded of this and I was shutting my computer down and getting ready to go to bed. I am listening to it again as I write. I simply cannot go to sleep until I share this great gift to my mind from God. I asked, He answered. The song is by John Michael Talbot and is entitled Psalm 62.
Only in God is my soul at rest, in Him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock, my strength and my salvation.
My stronghold, my Saviour,
I shall not be afraid at all.
My stronghold, my saviour, I shall not be moved!
Only in God is found safety, when the enemy pursues me.
Only in God is found glory, I am found meek and found lowly.
My stronghold my saviour, I shall not be afraid at all,
My stronghold, my saviour, I shall not be moved.
Only in God is my soul at rest in him comes my salvation.
I will rest in Him.
Only in God is my soul at rest, in Him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock, my strength and my salvation.
My stronghold, my Saviour,
I shall not be afraid at all.
My stronghold, my saviour, I shall not be moved!
Only in God is found safety, when the enemy pursues me.
Only in God is found glory, I am found meek and found lowly.
My stronghold my saviour, I shall not be afraid at all,
My stronghold, my saviour, I shall not be moved.
Only in God is my soul at rest in him comes my salvation.
I will rest in Him.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The mental battle...again
I don’t know what to do. Lord, you say that if we don’t have wisdom that we should just ask. I’m asking. Please! I don’t know where to go next with Mom. My heart aches. She is so confused. (I am writing this while sitting in the AM church service.) Pastor David talked about an insane person during the message. (My mind has gone away from the message and into my own struggle). Dealing with someone so confused who thinks that they are not or, rather, you want to believe that they are not - - it messes with one’s own head. (Wow, after reading this back, I can sure tell my head is messed up!) ☺
One of the songs we sang this morning in church, “You alone are God, you alone are sovereign…through the storms of life, I will trust your promise. Everything thing works together for our good.” That’s not just my good but Mom’s too. Lord, please show me – use me as you need to for Mom’s good. I am just not sure what that is. The scripture of the day was meant for a different sermon than the one I heard in my head as I wrote and thought. (Romans 8:19-28) Amazing how that works.
It is truly agony to watch your parent slowly lose their mind to dementia. Then there is the internal battle against listening to the lie that it is somehow caused by something I’ve done or a decision I’ve made on her behalf.
Being taught all your life that others are first – the old saying of “God, others and you” -- where does taking care of me, protecting my own mind, my own sanity come in?? How does this happen? How is it biblical? Not how does it look for anyone else but for me? Uniquely me? (Dad loved that word, used it a lot – unique.) I struggle with her being in the nursing home. Especially when she tells me that she misses me and wishes she could be with me all the time. When she tells me that she knows I have other business to do besides visiting my mother.
I’m back to where I started at the beginning of this. I need wisdom, clear direction. What’s happening to my Mother’s mind? Is this just where she is going and has been going for some time? Is it made worse by her intense grief at Dad’s passing? Is she even aware of the grief? A couple of weeks ago she was talking to her brother on the phone for the first time in several weeks. She just kept talking about their Dad and all the things about him and their old home. Nothing about her husband and missing him.
Last weekend I had Mom here at home for several hours on Sat. & Sun. By the time that we were headed back to the facility, I was mentally exhausted. As we were driving back and I was thinking about where I was emotionally and wondering why, I was reminded of a story I had read about Corrie Ten Boom. It’s a story that I have used over and over before. She talks about grace being like the train ticket that her father held for her when she was a child. He kept it for her until it was time to hand it to the conductor. God gives us the grace to face the things He allows to happen in our lives when we need it. I felt like my grace ticket for full-time caregiving had expired. This may not be such great theology but it was as if God was saying to me that the reason it had expired was because it was no longer my job.
Come to think of it, maybe Pastor David’s message was on target for me. He talked about how the enemy lies to us to keep us in the past with our failures and sins. Maybe my struggle is because the enemy keeps trying to trick my mind into forgetting the way that God has worked out the situation already. God has already removed the load and I keep trying to take it back up because I feel guilty. (Guilt- A feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.) Interesting. I surely don’t want to be a failure in my obligation to care for my mother. Someone once said, “don’t doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light.” Now if I could just have the confidence that I HAVE been shown and to walk in it and trust the Sovereign God to care for and protect my mother.
Several months ago I prayed for compassion without guilt. I think that it’s time to go there again. Lord, grant me compassion without guilt.
One of the songs we sang this morning in church, “You alone are God, you alone are sovereign…through the storms of life, I will trust your promise. Everything thing works together for our good.” That’s not just my good but Mom’s too. Lord, please show me – use me as you need to for Mom’s good. I am just not sure what that is. The scripture of the day was meant for a different sermon than the one I heard in my head as I wrote and thought. (Romans 8:19-28) Amazing how that works.
It is truly agony to watch your parent slowly lose their mind to dementia. Then there is the internal battle against listening to the lie that it is somehow caused by something I’ve done or a decision I’ve made on her behalf.
Being taught all your life that others are first – the old saying of “God, others and you” -- where does taking care of me, protecting my own mind, my own sanity come in?? How does this happen? How is it biblical? Not how does it look for anyone else but for me? Uniquely me? (Dad loved that word, used it a lot – unique.) I struggle with her being in the nursing home. Especially when she tells me that she misses me and wishes she could be with me all the time. When she tells me that she knows I have other business to do besides visiting my mother.
I’m back to where I started at the beginning of this. I need wisdom, clear direction. What’s happening to my Mother’s mind? Is this just where she is going and has been going for some time? Is it made worse by her intense grief at Dad’s passing? Is she even aware of the grief? A couple of weeks ago she was talking to her brother on the phone for the first time in several weeks. She just kept talking about their Dad and all the things about him and their old home. Nothing about her husband and missing him.
Last weekend I had Mom here at home for several hours on Sat. & Sun. By the time that we were headed back to the facility, I was mentally exhausted. As we were driving back and I was thinking about where I was emotionally and wondering why, I was reminded of a story I had read about Corrie Ten Boom. It’s a story that I have used over and over before. She talks about grace being like the train ticket that her father held for her when she was a child. He kept it for her until it was time to hand it to the conductor. God gives us the grace to face the things He allows to happen in our lives when we need it. I felt like my grace ticket for full-time caregiving had expired. This may not be such great theology but it was as if God was saying to me that the reason it had expired was because it was no longer my job.
Come to think of it, maybe Pastor David’s message was on target for me. He talked about how the enemy lies to us to keep us in the past with our failures and sins. Maybe my struggle is because the enemy keeps trying to trick my mind into forgetting the way that God has worked out the situation already. God has already removed the load and I keep trying to take it back up because I feel guilty. (Guilt- A feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.) Interesting. I surely don’t want to be a failure in my obligation to care for my mother. Someone once said, “don’t doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light.” Now if I could just have the confidence that I HAVE been shown and to walk in it and trust the Sovereign God to care for and protect my mother.
Several months ago I prayed for compassion without guilt. I think that it’s time to go there again. Lord, grant me compassion without guilt.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
The message is the same 39 years later
The words of my Dad, President of Frankfort Wesleyan Bible College, in the front of the 1970 yearbook:
THE DAWNING OF A DECADE
The sun is rapidly rising in the eastern sky of the 70's. What do the days ahead hold in store? God only knows.
We do know that problems lie ahead, even as they were present in the 60's. The hearts of many people quake at the thought of nuclear war, over-population, inflation, pollution, and the other very real problems.
Christians are concerned about those problems also, but there is a difference. People in need are not just a problem. They are people in need to be reached for Christ.
The new decade offers another opportunity to serve Jesus Christ. Let us be up and about the Master’s business.
H. John Blann
THE DAWNING OF A DECADE
The sun is rapidly rising in the eastern sky of the 70's. What do the days ahead hold in store? God only knows.
We do know that problems lie ahead, even as they were present in the 60's. The hearts of many people quake at the thought of nuclear war, over-population, inflation, pollution, and the other very real problems.
Christians are concerned about those problems also, but there is a difference. People in need are not just a problem. They are people in need to be reached for Christ.
The new decade offers another opportunity to serve Jesus Christ. Let us be up and about the Master’s business.
H. John Blann
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Nursing home admission day
This is the first journal entry of life in a nursing home and it was written before I started this blog. In the interest of keeping all of these records in one place, I am posting it now.
*****
June 18, 2009
This is my progress report concerning Mom and Dad’s admission to the nursing home on Tuesday. Tonight is the third night that they are spending in their new room at Doctors Lake Healthcare.
On Tuesday morning we were working to finish gathering all the things that we still needed to take over to the nursing home. I was trying to get Mom and Dad ready to go. We had planned to meet Shelly, the admissions director at 11:00am. So much for the best laid plans. It took longer than normal to get Dad finished with breakfast and into the bathroom to do his morning routine. When we were finally ready to leave, Dad would not get up from the chair. (Things were definitely a bit confusing as he had to sit in Mom’s chair because we had taken his to the nursing home the night before.) When we said it was time to go, he said that he needed to ask a question. “Why do we have to go somewhere else?” I tried to explain…again…that it was because I needed a chance to rest as my body was getting very tired. He looked at Rosie at some point and said, “she can do it.”
We got them into the car and Mom asked if this was it…were they coming back…and I said yes, for visits. She got teary eyed as she had been off and on for the past few days. Dad was very difficult to get in the car. Sam and Jim had gone on ahead to work on some things in their room so Rosie and I took Mom and Dad over. When we got to the home Dad would not get out of the car. I could tell that he was very upset. He then said…”you have been very unfair to us. You have made this decision without us!” I reminded him that I had talked to them about it and told them what was happening and why but he just didn’t remember. He finally did get out and walked to his new room with us using his walker. By the time we got to their room he was having trouble walking because his legs were so tired. Shelly was walking with us and told me later that she was concerned that he was a fall risk. They had their lunch in the room and then we met several different people and the nurse came in to do Dad’s intake information.
First of all, let me go back a little. Shortly after we arrived I met the nurse in charge of their room. She was very, very nice and her name was Gloria. I was told that the night nurse would be Grace. Later, when we met her, we found her to be such a sweet and pleasant person!! It occurred to me when I was told the nurse’s names that it was kind of cool that they were Grace and Gloria. As we were driving home that night and contemplating the day’s events, that particular fact really moved us. Jim noted later that there is an old song, “Where He Leads Me, I Will Follow”. One verse says, “He will give me grace and glory, He will give me grace and glory, and go with me all the way. What a comforting reminder.
Now, back to Dad’s intake information….we sat there as Gloria asked Dad the necessary questions. She asked him if he knew what day it was and after a few moments of blankness he stated that it was one day later than yesterday. He was asked how old he was and he said “200”. When asked what month it was he was totally blank so she hinted and said that it is the month of Father’s Day. He asked if we had passed March yet and when I said yes he told the nurse that it is a couple months past March. He didn’t get the month of his birthday correct but did get the day. When asked who the president is he answered, “John Blann”. (Pretty sure that was a cover up for his embarrassment of not knowing the answer). We told her that he HAD been a president….of a Bible College. During the process of doing the intake the nurse became teary. She tried to cover it up but finally told me that he reminded her of her Daddy. She kept telling me that they would be alright. Later, she came back to the room to see how I was doing and she told me the story of her father. She is from the Philippines and is the oldest of the children in her family. She has been in the states for 39 years and when her father became ill with dementia, her brothers cared for him. She wasn’t able to be there but would get updates and reports by phone. He has been gone for 10 years but she still grieves for him and the fact that she wasn’t with him to care for him. I told her that she could love my Daddy for me. What a gift to have that kind of compassion to care for my Dad the first day of his arrival at this new place.
The day progressed with lots of activity. The PT came in and walked with both of them to see where they were in their abilities. We all left about 4:30 and told them we would see them after supper. We went back with other stuff they needed and did more tweaking to the room. It is very cute and comfortable. Mom has been very confused, thinking that she needs to care for Dad. We have to keep reminding her that she is there to keep him company but that others must care for him. The staff said that she keeps trying to get him up and make him move and that concerns them. Today, I think that I may have gotten through to Mom that she must not try to get him up at any time.
On Wednesday, Rosie and Jim stopped in to visit Mom and Dad on their way out of town to St. Augustine for the day. (By the way, what an absolute gift from God that Rosie and Jim were able to work the timing to be here just when they were needed for this transition!!) They found Mom and Dad in the Activity Room listening to a man play the piano for the residents. They were sitting side by side, holding hands and Dad was beating time with his free hand. Mom kept talking about the song that she asked the pianist if he knew and that he played it for her! In the afternoon, I met with Shelly in Admissions and signed all the paperwork. My hand ached by the time we finished! I then met the business office ladies, the social worker and the Administrator. I had a nice time visiting with Mom and Dad after that.
Thursday, we got there as they were finishing lunch. Dad was taking longer than he should and that is because of his distraction in people watching. The nurse and Mom were suggesting that he eat in their room instead so that he could concentrate on eating but they really don’t want Mom to miss out on the social interaction. We (Rosie, Jim & I) took Mom and Dad back to their room. Mom uses the walker to walk around the facility and they have Dad in a wheel chair that he can maneuver with his feet or be pushed. He walked himself (with direction) all the way back to their room. He hadn’t been shaved that day, he had spilled food on his pants and Mom seemed down and very tired. I was feeling sick inside and wishing that I could just take them back home and yet I knew that I couldn’t. We got them into their recliners and suggest that they take a nap and I would come back later. I went back later in the afternoon. I was still feeling awful about them being in this situation and for the first time since the process began earlier in the week, I broke down. During this time I received a phone call from our worship pastor at church who had experienced something quite similar with his father a couple of years ago. Just being with someone who knew what I was feeling even though there was nothing that he could do to change things, he just understood and listened to me cry out the feelings in my heart, was a release. (I am so incredibly thankful for God’s impeccable timing in this whole process.) When I got to the nursing home, my heaviness had lifted and I was able to go in with a lighter heart. When I got in there, they had napped and were feeling lighter hearted as well….at least Mom was. Dad is, more or less, just there. There may be things going on that he cannot articulate but this transition has really affected his dementia for now. He loves to listen to me talk to Mom and take everything in, but he communicates very little. Mom was telling me that she had gotten to play with clay in physical therapy that day. She said, “It was fun!” They had worked their legs in therapy the day before and on this day they had worked their hands. They had balls of clay with objects hidden in them that they needed to work out with their fingers. (They have been having therapy every day since the first full day they were admitted.)
The next thing that lifted my spirits was when the CNA came in to get them for supper. She brought in a contraption called a Stand Lift to get Dad out of his recliner into his wheel chair for supper. As I watched her do that I commented to Mom that they had equipment there that I didn’t have at home to do what needed to be done to care for Dad and I realized the truth in that….I couldn’t take him home and this is where he needs to be to get the care that is necessary. His pants had been bunched up in his crotch and I had tried to pull them down for him while sitting in the chair. When the CNA came to get him into the wheelchair with the lift, she pulled his pants straight for him when she stood him up before seating him again and after she seated him, she finger combed his hair in the back that was messed up from sitting in the chair. That gesture touched me so much that I commented on that in the meeting that we had the next day with all the department heads. I left there with such a sense of relief and peace. We all (Sam & I, Rosie & Jim) went to Sherri and Mark’s that evening for supper. That was the first time that we had been able to have a meal in their home since they moved in. What a fun time, except that I was very sleepy. It sees that the emotional strain had taken it’s toll and I was kind of crashing.
We had a meeting on the fourth day (Friday) to meet the department heads and plan for Mom and Dad and to share how we think they are doing. Rosie and Sherri attended with me. Again, I must say how very kind and helpful everyone is. (Mom keeps telling me, also, how kind everyone is to them). By the time we finished our meeting Mom and Dad were in therapy. The three of us hung out with them while finishing their therapy. Sherri and Mark left later in the afternoon for Chicago and then next week, (Wednesday) they will attend the court for the adoption proceedings for Marcia and Isaiah and then head home with the kids, Lord willing. (Again….the timing of this whole process is amazing). We all left to go get lunch and so Sherri could finish doing what she needed to do for the trip. Later that afternoon, we went back for a visit…three grandchildren and four of us “adults”. Dad loved to watching the kids…didn’t say much…but they both seemed to love the company. But Mom made a comment that was quite amazing. She told me about the lady across the hall from her. She is from England. She said that she had gone to visit with her and that she didn’t have people visiting her. She then told me that she could be a blessing here because of helping people who were lonely and by being kind to the staff. That was the coolest thing to see how she was beginning to acclimate and try to bloom where she’s been planted. They are learning the ropes and seeming to adjust really, really well!
Rosie and Jim looked at a house today (Saturday) while Sam and I took Briana to the airport. That was fun for me…to get to go through security with Briana and accompany her to the gate. Sam waited for me in the “courtyard”. We met Rosie and Jim at the nursing home with the kids to see Mom and Dad in the afternoon. Mom told us that Sherri had been there that morning while they were in therapy. I didn’t correct her and tell her that it happened that way the day before. So that could be a good brain thing….if you miss a day she might think that you WERE here that day while thinking of the day before. Sometimes dementia can be an asset!
Tomorrow is Father’s Day. Rosie and Jim are going to postpone their departure until after lunch. We will be eating Sonny’s together at the nursing home in the conference room/private dining room with Mom and Dad to celebrate the day. Mom keeps asking me about going to church with us. I’m just not sure how that is all going to work out. They have S.S. in the morning and then a church service in the afternoon at the nursing home. I suggested they wait and see how the routine goes.
Well, I am falling asleep again and I think that I have jabbered long enough. God is good, his timing is incredible and his strength is amazing. I am thankful for the answered prayer of “compassion without guilt”!
*****
June 18, 2009
This is my progress report concerning Mom and Dad’s admission to the nursing home on Tuesday. Tonight is the third night that they are spending in their new room at Doctors Lake Healthcare.
On Tuesday morning we were working to finish gathering all the things that we still needed to take over to the nursing home. I was trying to get Mom and Dad ready to go. We had planned to meet Shelly, the admissions director at 11:00am. So much for the best laid plans. It took longer than normal to get Dad finished with breakfast and into the bathroom to do his morning routine. When we were finally ready to leave, Dad would not get up from the chair. (Things were definitely a bit confusing as he had to sit in Mom’s chair because we had taken his to the nursing home the night before.) When we said it was time to go, he said that he needed to ask a question. “Why do we have to go somewhere else?” I tried to explain…again…that it was because I needed a chance to rest as my body was getting very tired. He looked at Rosie at some point and said, “she can do it.”
We got them into the car and Mom asked if this was it…were they coming back…and I said yes, for visits. She got teary eyed as she had been off and on for the past few days. Dad was very difficult to get in the car. Sam and Jim had gone on ahead to work on some things in their room so Rosie and I took Mom and Dad over. When we got to the home Dad would not get out of the car. I could tell that he was very upset. He then said…”you have been very unfair to us. You have made this decision without us!” I reminded him that I had talked to them about it and told them what was happening and why but he just didn’t remember. He finally did get out and walked to his new room with us using his walker. By the time we got to their room he was having trouble walking because his legs were so tired. Shelly was walking with us and told me later that she was concerned that he was a fall risk. They had their lunch in the room and then we met several different people and the nurse came in to do Dad’s intake information.
First of all, let me go back a little. Shortly after we arrived I met the nurse in charge of their room. She was very, very nice and her name was Gloria. I was told that the night nurse would be Grace. Later, when we met her, we found her to be such a sweet and pleasant person!! It occurred to me when I was told the nurse’s names that it was kind of cool that they were Grace and Gloria. As we were driving home that night and contemplating the day’s events, that particular fact really moved us. Jim noted later that there is an old song, “Where He Leads Me, I Will Follow”. One verse says, “He will give me grace and glory, He will give me grace and glory, and go with me all the way. What a comforting reminder.
Now, back to Dad’s intake information….we sat there as Gloria asked Dad the necessary questions. She asked him if he knew what day it was and after a few moments of blankness he stated that it was one day later than yesterday. He was asked how old he was and he said “200”. When asked what month it was he was totally blank so she hinted and said that it is the month of Father’s Day. He asked if we had passed March yet and when I said yes he told the nurse that it is a couple months past March. He didn’t get the month of his birthday correct but did get the day. When asked who the president is he answered, “John Blann”. (Pretty sure that was a cover up for his embarrassment of not knowing the answer). We told her that he HAD been a president….of a Bible College. During the process of doing the intake the nurse became teary. She tried to cover it up but finally told me that he reminded her of her Daddy. She kept telling me that they would be alright. Later, she came back to the room to see how I was doing and she told me the story of her father. She is from the Philippines and is the oldest of the children in her family. She has been in the states for 39 years and when her father became ill with dementia, her brothers cared for him. She wasn’t able to be there but would get updates and reports by phone. He has been gone for 10 years but she still grieves for him and the fact that she wasn’t with him to care for him. I told her that she could love my Daddy for me. What a gift to have that kind of compassion to care for my Dad the first day of his arrival at this new place.
The day progressed with lots of activity. The PT came in and walked with both of them to see where they were in their abilities. We all left about 4:30 and told them we would see them after supper. We went back with other stuff they needed and did more tweaking to the room. It is very cute and comfortable. Mom has been very confused, thinking that she needs to care for Dad. We have to keep reminding her that she is there to keep him company but that others must care for him. The staff said that she keeps trying to get him up and make him move and that concerns them. Today, I think that I may have gotten through to Mom that she must not try to get him up at any time.
On Wednesday, Rosie and Jim stopped in to visit Mom and Dad on their way out of town to St. Augustine for the day. (By the way, what an absolute gift from God that Rosie and Jim were able to work the timing to be here just when they were needed for this transition!!) They found Mom and Dad in the Activity Room listening to a man play the piano for the residents. They were sitting side by side, holding hands and Dad was beating time with his free hand. Mom kept talking about the song that she asked the pianist if he knew and that he played it for her! In the afternoon, I met with Shelly in Admissions and signed all the paperwork. My hand ached by the time we finished! I then met the business office ladies, the social worker and the Administrator. I had a nice time visiting with Mom and Dad after that.
Thursday, we got there as they were finishing lunch. Dad was taking longer than he should and that is because of his distraction in people watching. The nurse and Mom were suggesting that he eat in their room instead so that he could concentrate on eating but they really don’t want Mom to miss out on the social interaction. We (Rosie, Jim & I) took Mom and Dad back to their room. Mom uses the walker to walk around the facility and they have Dad in a wheel chair that he can maneuver with his feet or be pushed. He walked himself (with direction) all the way back to their room. He hadn’t been shaved that day, he had spilled food on his pants and Mom seemed down and very tired. I was feeling sick inside and wishing that I could just take them back home and yet I knew that I couldn’t. We got them into their recliners and suggest that they take a nap and I would come back later. I went back later in the afternoon. I was still feeling awful about them being in this situation and for the first time since the process began earlier in the week, I broke down. During this time I received a phone call from our worship pastor at church who had experienced something quite similar with his father a couple of years ago. Just being with someone who knew what I was feeling even though there was nothing that he could do to change things, he just understood and listened to me cry out the feelings in my heart, was a release. (I am so incredibly thankful for God’s impeccable timing in this whole process.) When I got to the nursing home, my heaviness had lifted and I was able to go in with a lighter heart. When I got in there, they had napped and were feeling lighter hearted as well….at least Mom was. Dad is, more or less, just there. There may be things going on that he cannot articulate but this transition has really affected his dementia for now. He loves to listen to me talk to Mom and take everything in, but he communicates very little. Mom was telling me that she had gotten to play with clay in physical therapy that day. She said, “It was fun!” They had worked their legs in therapy the day before and on this day they had worked their hands. They had balls of clay with objects hidden in them that they needed to work out with their fingers. (They have been having therapy every day since the first full day they were admitted.)
The next thing that lifted my spirits was when the CNA came in to get them for supper. She brought in a contraption called a Stand Lift to get Dad out of his recliner into his wheel chair for supper. As I watched her do that I commented to Mom that they had equipment there that I didn’t have at home to do what needed to be done to care for Dad and I realized the truth in that….I couldn’t take him home and this is where he needs to be to get the care that is necessary. His pants had been bunched up in his crotch and I had tried to pull them down for him while sitting in the chair. When the CNA came to get him into the wheelchair with the lift, she pulled his pants straight for him when she stood him up before seating him again and after she seated him, she finger combed his hair in the back that was messed up from sitting in the chair. That gesture touched me so much that I commented on that in the meeting that we had the next day with all the department heads. I left there with such a sense of relief and peace. We all (Sam & I, Rosie & Jim) went to Sherri and Mark’s that evening for supper. That was the first time that we had been able to have a meal in their home since they moved in. What a fun time, except that I was very sleepy. It sees that the emotional strain had taken it’s toll and I was kind of crashing.
We had a meeting on the fourth day (Friday) to meet the department heads and plan for Mom and Dad and to share how we think they are doing. Rosie and Sherri attended with me. Again, I must say how very kind and helpful everyone is. (Mom keeps telling me, also, how kind everyone is to them). By the time we finished our meeting Mom and Dad were in therapy. The three of us hung out with them while finishing their therapy. Sherri and Mark left later in the afternoon for Chicago and then next week, (Wednesday) they will attend the court for the adoption proceedings for Marcia and Isaiah and then head home with the kids, Lord willing. (Again….the timing of this whole process is amazing). We all left to go get lunch and so Sherri could finish doing what she needed to do for the trip. Later that afternoon, we went back for a visit…three grandchildren and four of us “adults”. Dad loved to watching the kids…didn’t say much…but they both seemed to love the company. But Mom made a comment that was quite amazing. She told me about the lady across the hall from her. She is from England. She said that she had gone to visit with her and that she didn’t have people visiting her. She then told me that she could be a blessing here because of helping people who were lonely and by being kind to the staff. That was the coolest thing to see how she was beginning to acclimate and try to bloom where she’s been planted. They are learning the ropes and seeming to adjust really, really well!
Rosie and Jim looked at a house today (Saturday) while Sam and I took Briana to the airport. That was fun for me…to get to go through security with Briana and accompany her to the gate. Sam waited for me in the “courtyard”. We met Rosie and Jim at the nursing home with the kids to see Mom and Dad in the afternoon. Mom told us that Sherri had been there that morning while they were in therapy. I didn’t correct her and tell her that it happened that way the day before. So that could be a good brain thing….if you miss a day she might think that you WERE here that day while thinking of the day before. Sometimes dementia can be an asset!
Tomorrow is Father’s Day. Rosie and Jim are going to postpone their departure until after lunch. We will be eating Sonny’s together at the nursing home in the conference room/private dining room with Mom and Dad to celebrate the day. Mom keeps asking me about going to church with us. I’m just not sure how that is all going to work out. They have S.S. in the morning and then a church service in the afternoon at the nursing home. I suggested they wait and see how the routine goes.
Well, I am falling asleep again and I think that I have jabbered long enough. God is good, his timing is incredible and his strength is amazing. I am thankful for the answered prayer of “compassion without guilt”!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
The long goodbye
I am so sad tonight. Today I left Mom at the nursing home after a visit and was filled with so many emotions. The main one I recognized was guilt. Guilt is a close friend of mine…I know it quite well. The dictionary on my computer gives one definition of guilt as “a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation”. That’s it! That’s what has been plaguing me.
Mom has roommate issues again. Add to that the grieving that takes place because of the loss of her beloved husband…add to THAT the dementia that is taking more and more of her mind and we have a confused and troubled person. Enter, stage right, the daughter who has a built in desire to fix everything and keep everyone she loves, happy. This daughter has entered a stage that she cannot fix, cannot change and she is still also working through the loss of HER beloved Daddy.
Earlier this evening I made a phone call. The dear person on the other end of the line listened a lot and then helped me to focus on some things. During the course of the conversation I realized again that a lot of my problem is that I am grieving deeply the loss of my mother as well as my Dad. Many months ago, as I watched Dad decline so greatly, I realized how much that Mom had sacrificed doing a lot of things that she wanted to do because of Daddy. She would talk to me of specific things that she would enjoy doing but she wouldn’t do them because it may take her away from him or make him feel left out. I imagined all the things that we could do together when Dad passed away. (Not that I was wishing him gone, you understand, but just thinking realistically about when that time would come.) Now he’s gone and she can’t do them or has no desire to.
Back to where I began…I left Mom at the nursing home as was filled with so many emotions…
Guilt! But why? It’s not my fault that Mom’s mind is deteriorating the way it is. I didn’t do it to her! It began long before the nursing home entered the picture! The social worker at the facility where Mom lives told me yesterday that losing a spouse can plummet the dementia decline. I didn’t end Dad’s life! Yesterday when Mom was voicing her concerns about her roommate, I asked if she would like to come home for the day and hang out here. She was very excited about that. She brought her reading material and her word find book. When it was lunchtime I went and got her favorite, Chick-Fil-A. She ate very little but enjoyed a hearty bowl of ice cream! She went back to reading and a little while later was in tears. She had picked up a book on grief. She told me that she had been sure she was “on top of things”. After we talked a few minutes, she asked if I was ready to take her back. She told me that she wanted to go back because she had things to do there and it kept her mind off of things. I took her back. Others in the family have talked about how it is probably easier for her to be there than at home. Here at home, where she spent the past two years living with Daddy, are constant reminders of that fact that he is no longer here. I feel guilty, why??
There is a book entitled “The Long Goodbye”, by Patti Davis in which she talks about her father's Alzheimer disease. I was reminded tonight, during my phone conversation, of that phrase, the long goodbye. That’s where I am with Mom. I am already saying goodbye. The guilt that make me want to bring her home and try to help restore her mind is that part of me that wants to fix things. And I can’t fix things. I can’t turn back time for Mom and her mind. I can’t bring Dad back. Bringing her home won’t make her mind get better. I can’t slow down the dementia process.
It has been suggested that maybe I feel guilt because of being away on vacation when things started to go really bad for Dad. I have strongly denied that I feel any guilt in that regard. What I feel is that God gave me an incredible gift, knowing as He did, what I was getting ready to face when I got home. When we went on that vacation, I was at the bottom of my barrel of strength, energy and mental stamina. It was just enough to help me get through the next few weeks. That brings me to Mom being in the nursing home.
It has also been suggested that God gave me a gift by working things out for both of my parents to be placed together in a facility before Dad passed away. Dad’s most dire need of extra care led them there together because I wouldn’t/couldn’t separate them. Mom became used to it, made friends, got involved with activities and trusts her caregivers. Can I accept this as a gift from God and embrace it equally as well as the week He gave me before Dad died? I’m going to work on it!
Mom has roommate issues again. Add to that the grieving that takes place because of the loss of her beloved husband…add to THAT the dementia that is taking more and more of her mind and we have a confused and troubled person. Enter, stage right, the daughter who has a built in desire to fix everything and keep everyone she loves, happy. This daughter has entered a stage that she cannot fix, cannot change and she is still also working through the loss of HER beloved Daddy.
Earlier this evening I made a phone call. The dear person on the other end of the line listened a lot and then helped me to focus on some things. During the course of the conversation I realized again that a lot of my problem is that I am grieving deeply the loss of my mother as well as my Dad. Many months ago, as I watched Dad decline so greatly, I realized how much that Mom had sacrificed doing a lot of things that she wanted to do because of Daddy. She would talk to me of specific things that she would enjoy doing but she wouldn’t do them because it may take her away from him or make him feel left out. I imagined all the things that we could do together when Dad passed away. (Not that I was wishing him gone, you understand, but just thinking realistically about when that time would come.) Now he’s gone and she can’t do them or has no desire to.
Back to where I began…I left Mom at the nursing home as was filled with so many emotions…
Guilt! But why? It’s not my fault that Mom’s mind is deteriorating the way it is. I didn’t do it to her! It began long before the nursing home entered the picture! The social worker at the facility where Mom lives told me yesterday that losing a spouse can plummet the dementia decline. I didn’t end Dad’s life! Yesterday when Mom was voicing her concerns about her roommate, I asked if she would like to come home for the day and hang out here. She was very excited about that. She brought her reading material and her word find book. When it was lunchtime I went and got her favorite, Chick-Fil-A. She ate very little but enjoyed a hearty bowl of ice cream! She went back to reading and a little while later was in tears. She had picked up a book on grief. She told me that she had been sure she was “on top of things”. After we talked a few minutes, she asked if I was ready to take her back. She told me that she wanted to go back because she had things to do there and it kept her mind off of things. I took her back. Others in the family have talked about how it is probably easier for her to be there than at home. Here at home, where she spent the past two years living with Daddy, are constant reminders of that fact that he is no longer here. I feel guilty, why??
There is a book entitled “The Long Goodbye”, by Patti Davis in which she talks about her father's Alzheimer disease. I was reminded tonight, during my phone conversation, of that phrase, the long goodbye. That’s where I am with Mom. I am already saying goodbye. The guilt that make me want to bring her home and try to help restore her mind is that part of me that wants to fix things. And I can’t fix things. I can’t turn back time for Mom and her mind. I can’t bring Dad back. Bringing her home won’t make her mind get better. I can’t slow down the dementia process.
It has been suggested that maybe I feel guilt because of being away on vacation when things started to go really bad for Dad. I have strongly denied that I feel any guilt in that regard. What I feel is that God gave me an incredible gift, knowing as He did, what I was getting ready to face when I got home. When we went on that vacation, I was at the bottom of my barrel of strength, energy and mental stamina. It was just enough to help me get through the next few weeks. That brings me to Mom being in the nursing home.
It has also been suggested that God gave me a gift by working things out for both of my parents to be placed together in a facility before Dad passed away. Dad’s most dire need of extra care led them there together because I wouldn’t/couldn’t separate them. Mom became used to it, made friends, got involved with activities and trusts her caregivers. Can I accept this as a gift from God and embrace it equally as well as the week He gave me before Dad died? I’m going to work on it!
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