Meeting Jesus!!!

Daddy PEACEFULLY went to be with Jesus at about 1:30PM. I will write more about the events of the day later but it has been amazing how God has orchestrated so many details in this process. Mom is at peace knowing that Dad is no longer suffering. Love to all and thanks for the many prayers.

Waiting...still

Today has been a bit of a roller coaster emotionally. We thought we were losing Dad this morning. He had some of the signs. We gathered together. We hung out together in the room. This afternoon his breathing seemed to be more labored than ever and many breaks in breathing. Tonight his blood pressure is 130/86 and he is breathing at a more steady rate but very shallow. The doctor doesn't feel like his passing is imminent but maybe within the next 3 to 5 days. He also commented that God had an annoying ability...He has veto power. :) The doctor is a believer and was fun to talk to as well. He gave some good counsel and was excited to hear about Daddy's life and the heritage we all have. The doctor strongly suggested that only one person stay here a night to give everyone else a chance to sleep and stay well. We are going to rotate. Tonight is my night and I am going to go to sleep soon as I only slept about 3 hours last night. Got my toothbrush and retainer. What more could I ask??

Rough Night

***I have been asked if I could share some pictures to help those who can't be here feel a little more like they are here. The pictures with Sam sitting by Dad are from Monday. Sherri is Sunday and Mom, Rich & Dad is from Saturday.***


This has been the toughest night so far. Nila and I were begging God to take Daddy home and we sat beside him while he struggled to breath. He held our hands so tightly that his nails almost penetrated the skin on my fingers and Nila's fingers felt like they were breaking. It's astounding how strong he still is. He was more agitated as his lungs have been filling with fluid. He's had several breathing treatments today and tonight they increased the amount of morphine they have been giving him to try and ease his pain. Today was the first day that we have seen this much pain. We had a really rough stretch and Rosie and Jim came back and are here at the Hospice facility with Nila and me. This is the first night that we have stayed the night with him. We just couldn't leave this time as it is the first time that he was like this. The other nights, after his medication, he seemed to rest well. The whole day was rougher than before. It is 25 minutes after midnight at this moment and he is finally asleep and resting relatively well, considering.

After Rosie and Jim came into the room and Jim saw Dad struggling so hard to breath and having the panic that comes with feeling like you can't breath, he left the room in tears. But his tears were more from anger than sadness at that point. He told me that he had enough anger for 12 people at that point. Here was a man who had spent his life serving God and why did he have to suffer like this?! He went into the chapel and all of a sudden he saw in his mind, Jesus on the cross. He felt God showing him how much Jesus had suffered...for him...for all of us! Jim: "For the first time I really, really got it -- how Jesus suffered for ME! We look at Dad suffering there in the bed but he is suffering without nails in his hands and a spear in his side." (written with Jim's permission)

The nurse came in a little while ago and gave Dad some more meds to make him comfortable. I had asked her on Saturday what the signs were that indicated that the end was really near. She told me then that he didn't have any of the signs and I didn't push her for more info at that time. When she came in this time she reminded me of that question and told me that the breathing tonight was one big indicator. He had a fever that just came up. That was another sign. His eyes were another and then the fact that she moistened his mouth and he didn't respond at all was another. Every other time that we have done anything with his mouth he has reacted strongly. This time, there was no reaction.

Earlier, when he was struggling so hard to breath and after Rosie and Jim had come back, the four of us were softly singing around the bed as we held his hands and loving on his head. As we sang "It is Well with my soul" he obviously was trying to sing with us...it was just a guttural hum but he was definitely communicating his heart at that moment!

It was made so clear to me tonight that I can't fix everything -- as if I thought I could. It tears your heart out when you sit beside a loved one in pain, struggling to breath, fighting panic and fear and there isn't a single thing you can do to fix it. I sat there and sobbed as I begged God for a miracle for Dad and "Lord, I want it NOW!" I have been Mom and Dad's caretaker for eight years. I'm sort of used to taking care of them...meeting all the needs I possible can. This is totally out of my hands. I am completely helpless to change this situation. I may have said this before...don't remember, don't have time to check it out..but a couple of weeks ago when I was talking to God and wondering why Dad had to suffer the dementia and loss of physical ability, it was as if the Lord said to me, "it's not about your Dad, it's about you!" Dad was still here because God still had things to teach me and others by him still being here. I pray I learn those things well!

Rosie is asleep on the recliner, Nila just dozed off on the cot they gave us and I am sitting with my feet up in the window seat. The fold-out armchair awaits me when I get sleepy. I think the cup of coffee I had about an hour ago is still hyping me up.

Sunday's activities

Last night I got in bed and set up my computer on my lap to update the blog before I went to sleep. Guess what? I went to sleep anyway. So I apologize to those family members who were waiting to hear about our day with Grandpa. I was going to say Dad/Grandpa but I remembered that all who call him Dad were here. :) That was the most wonderful thing about yesterday. Rosie and Jim had left Indiana on Saturday evening following a wedding that Jim participated in. They had planned to stop to sleep and come in sometime on Sunday. Richard had arrived in Florida on Wednesday night and Paul and JoAnne made last minute plans and arrived here on Saturday evening. Nila came Thursday morning. We picked Grandma up at the nursing home and we all spent most of the day at the Hospice facility with Grandpa. B.J. had gone over to visit Grandpa and was there when we arrived. One of the things that we had wanted to do was sing for Grandpa together as a family as we had done so often in our younger years. Rosie had printed out the words to several favorite songs and brought them with her. Grandma had a collection of hymnals (I have teased her and accused her of stealing them from the churches) and I found the ones that had a song in it that we used to sing as a family. We must have sung about 10 songs in between tears and laughter. B.J. started to sing with us and she said as soon as she heard us she stopped singing. She said "Wow! I never knew you could sing like that. You sound like a regular quartet!" She said we could be another Jackson Five. :) It sure was fun to sing like that together again. It's been years since that has happened with all of us together. I used to sing "Stand Up For Jesus" when I tried to get Dad to stand up here at home to go eat or get out of bed. He tried to move his body in the bed in a similar fashion. During another song that we sang, he tried to keep a beat. It even seemed at times as if he were trying to sing with us or hum along.

I wanted add some information that I failed to give in an earlier post. When I explained to you about stopping the tube feedings it may have left some questions unanswered in your minds. For me, it has been hard to think of not feeding Dad. It's very hard for me to wrap my mind around that and I try not to dwell on it. One thing that the hospice nurses have explained has been helpful to me and hopefully it will be to you as well. When a person's body begins to shut down...when they are approaching the end of their life and choose to no longer eat or cannot eat, to continue to "force" feed them battles with the normal process of shutting down and creates more pain for the person. Their body is trying to shut and and the feeding tries to "jump start" things, so to speak, and that creates the discomfort. (I explained that in strictly unprofessional, layman's term and as I understand it.)

I talked with Grandma yesterday before we went in to see Grandpa about telling Grandpa that it was okay if he wanted to go be with Jesus. I'm not sure if that was a good idea or not as she kept repeating it to him so much that at one point he sort of shook his head and mumbled "uhn, uh". I took that as he is not going anywhere just yet. :) She probably didn't remember that she had said it so many times. For those of you who have seen "Finding Nemo", we have called Grandma's repetition the Dory syndrome. :) All we have to say to each other when something like that happens is "Dory". :) For those of you who don't know, Dory, played by Ellen DeGeneres, was always forgetting what she had just said. I decided that Grandma needed an emotional break and said let's take a break and go look around this beautiful facility. We went to the chapel and sat in there and talked for awhile. I suggested that Grandma not said it anymore since we didn't want him to feel like we were booting him out the door. :) We spent enough time away from the room, change of scenery and change of mental focus and when we went back to the room awhile later things were much better and she was less emotional. Later, when the nurse came into give him some meds through his feeding tube, I suggested another emotional break. (I didn't want her to see that being done.)

Sherri came in and stayed with Grandpa while all of the rest of us went out and got lunch. Grandma was so thrilled to be spending time with all of the family. She stayed with us all until late afternoon when Sherri took her back to the nursing home to eat supper and rest for awhile. We left the Grandpa earlier than usual. We were all very tired and knew that he needed rest as there had been alot of activity that day. We picked Grandma up at the nursing home and brought her back to our house for a couple of hours to be with all of the family. It was the first time that she had been here since their move to the nursing home. I was concerned about how she would react to some of the changes that I had made in the living room. They were changes that helped me to cope with the change of them moving out. Nothing drastic but helpful to me. She made no comment as we passed through their apartment to go to my kitchen. We had to use their entrance because of the ramp. She did later ask Sherri to take her to her "office" and looked for a couple of things in her desk but it wasn't as traumatic as I feared it would be.

There have been some wonderful moments for individual family members as they visited with their Dad/Grandpa these past few days. Grandpa has patted someone on the back as they laid their head on his chest and cried while they told him how much he meant to them. One had an arm lovingly rubbed, a head patted, hands squeezed, some words clearly understood...like "proud of you", "I love you", "you are very, very special". One got an enthusiastic, "you're here!" As I talked with my Daddy on Saturday and told him how much he had meant to me and reminded him of some of the funny, teasing things he had said to me as a child, he grinned. Later that day, I spoke to him and said, "Daddy, it's Lois" and he replied, "you're not Lois". (That did not upset me, by the way.) A nurse later suggested that he may have been remembering me as a little girl and not the woman he was looking at. I liked that thought. When Richard and I were in the room alone with him on Sat. night, Dad pointed (he has been doing that alot). He said, "Do you see that little boy? Do you see that man?" We wonder if he is seeing glimpses of heaven.

Sherri told me of a dream she had the night before last. It was of Grandpa at about 30 years of age riding a bicycle. She was trying to get him to stop but he wouldn't. He was having so much fun. Later he was running and running and having fun and she couldn't get him to come back in the house. She said it was a fun dream to seem him so vibrant and alive. We decided that he was going to have so much fun running and riding again when he got his new body in heaven.

If any of you have any questions at all or want to call and talk to Grandpa on the phone (we can put the phone up to his ear), please let me know. If there is anything at all that I can do to share with you in your own grieving process I will be happy to do it. We are certainly very blessed with the wonderful heritage we share in this family! Much love to all of you!

(forgive me for any errors or typos-- I am not going to waste the time right now to edit) ;-)

Celebration of a life

There have been rumblings about a family reunion for a couple of months now and I am proposing a plan. Since it
seems we are about to lose Grandpa to heaven, it seems appropriate to plan a gathering to celebrate the life of this very
special man. As we have been thinking about how things are going to take place when he passes away, I have come to
the conclusion that since there will be no funeral as Grandma and Grandpa have long ago planned to be cremated to
save on costs (doesn't that sound like them) :) there is no need for a formal funeral. There will be a memorial service
here for their friends and ours in our local church family and for what ever family will be here. We thought that planning
a celebration instead of springing it on folks at the last minute will give more family members and chance to plan and be
in attendance. I know that Grandpa would like that alot as he always commented whenever any of the family gathered
together about how wonderful it was that the family got along so well -- playing and laughing together. It would be a
great way for us to remember him and share with each other what he meant to us, what he taught us and how he loved
us. We have chosen a weekend in August, Sat. the 22nd would be the actual day of celebration her in Florida. You are
welcome to plan to come ahead of time or stay after...whatever would fit into your schedules, but we will plan the actual
day/time of gathering on the 22nd. You might think, what if Grandpa is still here? No problem...then you can say your
own goodbyes and "I love you's". It's all about remember what Grandpa/Dad has meant to us over the years.


I have posted the above to our Blann Family website on MyFamily.com. I am posting it here for any extended family or friends reading this blog who know and love my Dad and who would like to share on this special day that we have planned.

Clarification

Just wanted to reassure all that Dad/Grandpa is resting comfortable. He is in no pain and hasn't had any pain meds since the middle of last night. He is resting much more peacefully and the agitation is gone that he was experiencing yesterday.

New day, new experiences

Last night when we left the Hospice facility, I called Mom and talked with her to see how she was doing. She was doing pretty good, just sitting and reading her book and relaxing. I told her that Dad was doing fine and resting well. I also told her that she could call me anytime she wanted if she needed to talk or had questions. This morning, at about 8:30, she called me in tears and asked if I could come over. I told her that I would be right there. (I needed to get dressed first as I had slept in a little trying to catch up on some lost rest.) We have a good friend from church, Julie, who lives very near to the nursing home and Mom is very comfortable with her. Julie had told me to call her anytime if she could help in anyway so I called and asked her to go be with Mom until I could get there. When I got there, I realized that she thought that Dad was already gone. She had told someone at the nursing home that he had already died. I assured her that he hadn't. I asked her if she wanted to see Dad and she told me that she didn't and couldn't. It was too upsetting for her. She seems to have said her goodbyes and is ready to grieve and move forward in her grieving. While I was there, I got a phone call from the social worker at Hospice through Nila. She had some paperwork to go over with me and wondered when I could meet with her. I had a moment of feeling like "I can't be in both places at once" and I got a defensive feeling like I had to explain that I wasn't neglecting my Dad. Just a moment of totally being overwhelmed. But I got over it and ended up having a wonderful afternoon sitting with Daddy.

Today has been an amazing day with Dad. When I got here, Nila told me that Dad had been more alert than ever and that he had been asking for me. The time that I spent with him this afternoon has been a gift! It was like I had been given a window into my Dad. It wasn't constant but consistent. He told me he loved me in response to my "I love you." I asked if he like the music I was playing for him on the CD and he said "it's relaxing". He responded to my questions of the volume...too loud or too soft. Just a little while ago Rich and I were talking with him and he smiled and said "you're gonna pay for it". I have no idea what I'm going to pay for but it was a fun time of teasing.

Sherri and her family came in to see Dad and when he saw Sherri he reached his hand out to her and gave her a big smile. He responded positively to all of the kids and Mark. Mark had his alone time with Grandpa while he read Psalm 119 to him. He asked Dad if he could and he responded affirmatively. When Sherri hugged him goodbye he told her that she was very, very special. (She got a very, very and thinks she's number one now.) :) :) He told her earlier that he loved her.

Rich came in a little while ago and Dad reached for him as Rich sat on the edge of his bed and just rubbed Rich's arm lovingly. He said several different tiny comments that we could understand. It's just been such a gift to have had this time with him. Such a real gift.

Dad reaches quite a bit for things that we cannot see. A little while ago he asked us if we saw the little boy and then a man. When we try to understand what he is saying to us and don't get it, he's sort of laughs a frustrated laugh. For those of you who may not be aware, this is a very normal part of the process. At one point this afternoon he woke and was looking around and I went to him and said "Hi, Daddy. It's Lois." He said, "you're not Lois." I said "who am I? Eva?" He shook his head no. Maybe he was seeing someone else waiting for him in Heaven.

Paul and JoAnne are on their way here now with Sam. Sam just picked them up at the airport. Dad is resting now and I hope that he will be aware of them when they arrive and that they will experience some moments of Dad's blessing as we have had.